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Have you given serious thought to what the steps are in the progression of an affair? I have pondered that concern for a while. Presently my working model is this:
Self-Defeating Thoughts->Self-Defeating Behaviors-> Affair Fantasies-> Seeking Out an Affair->Being in Situations/Locations condusive to and affair-> Having the Affair
Granted, I recognize that most people do not seriously consider the steps they go through before getting into someone’s knickers. They probably progress so quickly through the steps, they do not realize the sequence. The model does provide a way of understanding the affairs and what occurred. There are often triggers that begin the self-defeating thoughts as well, although I have not mapped those out at this juncture.
Preventing the affair could be done at any juncture, although the further along one is in the sequence, the more difficult it becomes. The real enemy is not the other man/woman, it is the thoughts in the adulterers mind and how the resolute spouse deals with those thoughts.
This will provide readers with a way to make sense out of the sequence of events and help them to see where they might fall in this pattern.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
affairs, infidelity, Reducing the Risk, sequence of an affair, stages of an affair, Understanding Affairs
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I am often amazed at words people use to describe their situations. One of the terms used in association with affairs is ‘hooking up’. This word carries with it associations of attachment and connecting. In many affairs, people are looking for people they can ‘attach’ to. When they are ‘on the prowl’, they are seeking out someone who they can attach to. When they find that person, the relationship often begins with eye contact. With that eye contact, events begin to unfold. In the cases, where there is any sense of rapport, they two people feel drawn to each other. At some level there are often some similar issues. The longer the two people tune into each other, the greater the attraction. With heightened attraction, they begin forming an attachment. The attachment may begin with small talk, drinks, Bible study, or some other activity. With the forming of attachment, there is greater emotional involvement. As those attachments strengthen and expand to other areas, they soon find themselves immersed in an affair. They managed to “hook up” with someone. Even the variation of ‘hooking up” carry themes of attachment. “Shacking up”, “Sleeping with” and the various vulgar versions all carry some association with attachment.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
attachment, Attachment and affairs, Resources
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A family therapist once commented the ‘couples bring problems (to therapy sessions) as a defense against intimacy’. When I heard his observation back in 2006, I was taken aback. I started observing the couples who came to me and see for myself if this observation was true. After several years and many couples latter, I saw the truth of his comment over and over. Typically the couples present their ‘problem’ as communication issues. It is more convenient to identify it as communication rather than ‘avoiding intimacy’. To admit that you are avoiding intimacy with your spouse or that you avoid their intimacy is often either something that they are unaware that they are doing or it is too embarrassing to admit. The communication problems are often their solution or method of avoiding intimacy.
Besides being a major cause of ‘communication’ problems, the avoidance of intimacy is also a factor with affairs. It is easier to have an affair than to admit and openly discuss the issues concerning intimacy. When affairs are re-interpreted as a way of avoiding intimacy between spouses, the real underlying issues that the couple are struggling with come to light.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
avoiding intimacy, communication problems and affairs, intimacy and affairs, Understanding Affairs
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A nurse in England has been identified in a case where she was sleeping with the husbands of dying cancer patients. The nurse has since been dismissed from her position. This story brings to our awareness the danger of people being taken advantage of when they are vulnerable. The husbands of those dying women were emotionally vulnerable. While in that vulnerable state, they were easily exploited. The nurse, being a health care worker, was in a position of authority and looked up to. That role was one where she was trusted by the husbands. She exploited that trust and their admiration, turning it into an affair. What made matters worse was that she engaged in this action repeatedly. Although hospitals are supposed to be safe places, it does not mean that they are danger free.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
Affairs in the News, cheating in hospitals, hospitals and affairs, nurses and cheating
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One of the dynamics that often occurs in troubled relationships is that of the ‘diagnosing husband’. Many husbands resort to diagnosing their wife with mental health labels when they cannot prevail in intellectual arguments. The practice of diagnosing one’s wife is damaging to the relationship and hurtful to their wife. It changes the relationship into one where one spouse dominates and controls the other rather than a relationship consisting of a loving wife and husband. It has turned into a physician-patient relationship, except that the physician in this case often does not provide good patient care in terms of encouragement and support.
It amazes me how many men have proclaimed themselves experts in mental health issues when their wives disagree with them. It is also concerning that many wives begin questioning their own mindset when the spouse begins slinging out diagnostic labels. Rather than questioning the husband’s ability to make such mental health diagnoses, they instead question whether or not the label fits or explains what they have been experiencing.
The diagnosing husband takes on extra meanness when there is an affair. Whether the spouse having the affair is the husband or the spouse, the labels are thrown about with greater intensity.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
diagnosing husband, labelling, mental health and affairs, Understanding Affairs
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I used to have no idea if a marriage in the throes of an affair could be saved.
I would be sitting there, counseling a couple and wonder if we were just wasting our time. I hadn’t been counseling long enough to know the tell-tale signs of whether a marriage could weather this storm.
Here’s what I do now:
If I’m working with a couple and I want to know the chances of marriage survival, I’ll gently ask these 10 questions:
1. Did your spouse try to hide evidence of the affair?
2. Does your spouse avoid eye contact with you?
3. Does your spouse avoid discussing the topic of the affair?
4. Has your spouse had more symptoms of nausea, upset stomach, or other gastro-intestinal complaints since you discovered the affair?
5. Has your spouse changed their routine since you discovered the affair?
6. Has your spouse paid more attention to you since you discovered the affair?
7. Does your spouse avoid using or mentioning the word “divorce”?
8. Does your spouse show a regard for the children and their reactions to the affair?
9. Does your spouse have religious convictions against divorce?
10. Does your spouse spend 5 or more hours talking with you each week?
Believe it or not, just three “yesses” to these questions tell me there’s a good chance your marriage can survive.
What were your responses? Leave your comments below.
Resources
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One of the dangers of affairs is that once the neurons have been activated, by the excitement and relating to a new person in a new manner, they become permanent. The connections made by the firing neurons create new patterns within the brain. The affair litterally reprograms the brain. In the aftermath of an affair, the external environment can be cleaned, but the alterations in the brain are permanantly there. The new connections can weaken over time if they are not stimulated and re-stimulated repeatedly.
The reprogramming of the brain shows that affairs are not a ‘victimless’ activity where no one was hurt. In the process of infidelity, new connections were made, new intimacies developed which may fade over time, but they can not be forgotten. The body often remembers what the mind forgets.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
effects of affairs on the brain, neurons and affairs, reprogramming the brain, Understanding Affairs
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In the recovery community, the term ‘rigorous honesty’ is often used in dealing with out of control behaviors. They know that the heart is deceitful and will often find excuses and rationalizations to continue the out of control behavior and make sound acceptable. Rigorous honesty is the weapon used to shine the light of truth on their actions. When faced with rigorous honesty, many people initially react with anger. They did not want to be exposed or revealed for what they are doing. In a similar manner, the heart, when it comes to affairs is deceitful. It generates excuses and rationalizations to make the unacceptable —acceptable. With excuses like “I deserve some happiness”, “Who is really going to be hurt?”, “It is a victimless behavior”, “It’s human nature”, “It’s not an affair since we did not have sex” or any one of several hundreds of excuses are used.
The questions that need to be asked are more like:
-Am I being faithful to my spouse?
-Am I honoring the promises made to my spouse at our wedding?
-Will this improve my relationship with my spouse?
-Is this something that I can be proud of and talk about in public?
Such questions cut more to the heart of the matter. Rigorous honest cuts through the deceit, vanity and self-deception that often surrounds affairs. With more rigorous honesty, there will be fewer affairs. If your marriage is in trouble or is not where you want it to be, you need to take action on this matter NOW! Rather than waiting until the dust settles or denial hides many aspects of the relationship, take action in purchasing Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide at the surviveyourpartnersaffair website. The guide will tell you more about rigorous honesty and what is needed in recovering from an affair. You can choose to wait and suffer in desperation, yet that will not improve your marriage or your life any sooner.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
honest and affairs, honesty and infidelity, Understanding Affairs
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One of the problems of working in an environment that is results oriented is that spreads into other areas. People begin to evaluate their manhood/womanhood in terms of the bottom line. Since their sexuality is tied in with their personhood, a common problem is to begin keeping score of their progress in terms of sexual conquests. They sincerely believe that the number of sexual conquests they have accumulated is related to their own evaluation of themselves as a person. Whether or not they are a success is determined by how many people they have had relations with.
When quantity replaces quality in terms of sexual relationships, the likelihood of affairs is increased. The risk of quantity replacing quality will increase with the amount of performance pressure a job involves. When you feel that quantity is replacing quality in your relationships, the time to take action is at that moment.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs and professionals, cheating and professionals, Understanding Affairs
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Some people are enamored of professionals when it comes to affairs. They assume that because they are a (doctor, lawyer, architect, etc.) ___________ that said person is safe to have an affair with. Just because they have some schooling, and professional credentials does not mean that they have better morals or sense of duty than other people. It is also a mistake to assume that that professional that you are having an affair with is physically safe either. Venereal diseases do not discriminate. They can infect doctors as well as other professionals as easily as they can infect a truck driver or carpenter.
People who are not professionals often admire and respect the professional. At times that respect can manifest itself as ‘infatuation’. Although the professional should realize the infatuation for what it is, they often don’t. Rather than avoid affairs with non-professionals, they often exploit they special standing they have in society and give in to their animal desires. Most have never been trained in handling the phenomena and they genuinely believe that the other person does love them. It is no surprise that men (and women) in uniform or professions often exploit non-professionals. The uniforms and licenses are often used to hide the carnal creature they become when involved in an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
infidelity and professionals, infidelity and professions, professionals and affairs, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs, uniforms and affairs, VD and affairs
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