Human nature is that we tend to avoid responsibility. This is very true in the area of affairs and the response to children. One way that avoidance of responsibility shows up is concerning how problems are resolved. When people avoid responsibility, communication games begin. In the area of human relations they refer to this game playing as ‘triangulation’.
Rather that deal with adult to adult communication needed to solve problems, the spouse avoiding responsibility also avoids dealing with the problems and even discussion of the problems in a direct manner. When problems are not dealt with in a direct manner, children are often caught up in a tangle of communication and power games between the partners. It is almost as if each of them is determined to prove themselves ‘good parents’ since their roles as spouses are on shaky ground as evidenced by the affair. During this unsettled time of avoidance, it will be important to deal with problems in a direct manner. When problems are dealt with directly, even when they can not be ‘solved’, a resolution or plan can be developed to deal with the problem.
When spouses avoid the problems and instead fight out their issues with the children the problems multiply. The child is then caught in the middle of the two most important people in their lives. Children often approach such issues blaming themselves for any conflict. So here you have the parents each avoiding responsibility for what they have done and the child willing to assume the blame for any problem weather they have done anything or not just in order to keep the peace. In such situations, blame is often assumed by a party that had little if anything to do with the affair in the first place.
To avoid such problems:
1. Spouses need to talk to each other directly.
2. Spouses need to assume responsibilities for their action or inaction, rather than blame or avoid.
3. Children need to be protected, not used as a shield to protect oneself from the pain associated with an affair.
These are just a few pointers to start turning things around.
Regards,
Jeff Murrah
