Within the recovery community, there is a saying that ‘normal’ is a setting on the washing machine. There is some wisdom in how that group approaches the topic of ‘normal’. In recovering from an affair, although you may want to go back to ‘normal’, in most cases, normality is not your friend. Even wanting to ‘go back to the way things were’ is a misnomer. The Pandora’s Box of an affair has changed everything. You cannot go back. ( I have a chapter dealing with this in my book, How to Recover From Your Partner’s Affair). The reality is ‘the way things were’ is part of what led to the problem. If you want to be healthy, focus on ‘getting real’, “getting genuine”, or “getting honest”. Each of those is healthier than ‘the way things were’. Sure you can once again enjoy your marriage, and even do so at a deeper level, with some similar experiences as you shared in the past, but you are not going back. There has been a loss of innocence. The only way to literally go back is to put your blinders back on, and live with a systematized denial.
When many people talk about going back, they are wanting to re-create emotions and dreams from the past. You cannot keep replaying the dreams over and over. In real life, you will find that there is a dream, followed by the death of a dream, and then a re-commitment to the goal, whereby the dream finally materializes. Although this formula is not pleasant or fun, it is the reality of what has occurred in many peoples lives. Just look at the lives of notable persons and you will see such a pattern. Look at Moses, Abraham, David, Martin Luther, Beethoven and others. You will see a similar pattern.
I share this to keep you from asking “When will I feel normal?”. Such a question sets up unrealistic expectations. Some better questions are “When will I thrive?”, “When will my routines settle down?”, “When will this crisis end?” . Such questions will help you develop a realistic view of the situation, what you can do and what to expect.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
