Fanning the flames

A sad reality of human nature is that there are some people who will actively work toward the destruction of your marriage. Many of these persons present themselves as well intentioned, but their advice and actions are focused on the destruction of the marriage. During the aftermath of an affair we are very vulnerable. These ‘exploiters’ take advantage of those vulnerabilities and exploit them. The exploiters can even be family members or the people at church.

One way to discern if you have an exploiter on your hands is whether or not they ‘fan the flames’. By fanning the flames, are they drawing attention to the problems and faults, without any intention of reconciliation or healing? If they are ‘fault-finding’ without seeking a solution to the marital crisis, then they are exploiting matters. Sometimes they come across as if they are “just interested in your welfare”. They “just don’t want to see you hurt”.  This kind of thinking sounds altruistic, although it based on selfishness. Selfish thinking created much of the problem you are faced with. Trying to stop the effects of selfish thinking with more selfish thinking and actions is not a ‘true solution’ to the issues. Such selfish thinking will view the dissolution of the marriage as the way to make everything right again. When such persons are ‘fanning the flames’ there is often a hidden agenda. Some parents may want to secure their access to your children. Some single adults may be wanting you for themselves (or your spouse).

Heat is the element that naturally brings about changes. When the emotional heat is on, it is not time to fan the flames, but rather let the heat bring about the changes and transformations that are needed in your relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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