Since the topic of sexual addiction is misunderstood, there are many times that an affair is part of a sexual addiction rather than a rejection of the spouse. Yes the pain of rejection is there, but what drove the behavior is different. When an addiction is present, the brain finds ways of turning bad ideas into acceptable ones. The mind often twists and distorts behavior into where the spouse engages in acts they otherwise would not. It will be important to determine if the affair was an isolated incident or part of a compulsive pattern. This is often difficult for the resolute spouse, because it will require them to accept the truth and hear it out.
Having a fit or going into a rage will not help you or your spouse understand the situation surrounding the affair. Knowing the context of the affair is important. By context, I am referring to how your spouse deals with pain, what they were feeling, what they were thinking, what kinds of stress they were under, whether or not other addictions are present, any history or sexual trauma or indecency and whether or not there is a family history of affairs. It will also help to know what they were avoiding by having the affair. Where they under the influence of medications at the time of the affair?
Knowing such information will help you better understand your spouse. It will also help you better understand yourself. Since the two of you married each other there is a constant interplay between the both of you. The likelihood is that the affair did not happen in isolation, but was rather part of a bigger picture of events. Blaming and shaming your spouse will only serve to inject shame into the equation and limit communication.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
