When someone is having an affair, the acting out part is easy to determine. The resolute spouse can see and find evidence of that part of the affair. When there is no acting out, the spouse assumes all is fine and the problem is over. In some cases, this may be true.
In situations where there are compulsive affairs or a sexual addiction, all is not well, even when there is no acting out. In such cases, there is a cycle that is often being followed. The cycle alternates between being in ‘extreme control’ and ‘being out of control’. When the cycle swings in the direction of control, there is ‘acting in’. This involves the mental fantasizing and planning associated with affairs. On the outside, things look ‘normal’, but inside the infidel, there is a lot of activity. At this phase, the activity consists of mental role playing and fantasizing. This is part of the affair cycle and needs to be addressed if you hope to restore intimacy between you and your spouse. Knowing and recognizing the cycles or the extremes is key in overcoming the problems.
Extreme Control behavior <—> Being Out of Control
This is where knowing your spouse’s thinking, as well as their behavior is important. You need to know what they need and how they go about meeting and even asking for their needs to be met. If all you do is focus on when they are out of control, you are missing the whole picture.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
