After my post yesterday on the effects of lying on children, further insights came to me. When change happens, there are the initial or primary effects and there are the secondary effects. The idea of primary and secondary effects is well established. These ideas also apply human behavior such as lying.
Some of the secondary effects are that when parents lie about their own behavior, it will continue spreading to where they lie about the behavior of others. This also includes their own children. You will often find such parents lying or distorting the facts about what their children do. This is easily seen when the child acts out. The parents report of what happened will either be distorted or lied about in order to make it more acceptable. What is saddening is that when parents develp a pattern of lying, they will find themselves doing so as ‘second nature’. They will be able to do it without thinking. Lying will have become as natural as breathing. Children growing up in such a world will find that their misbehaviors are often ignored or treated as ‘something they can’t help. The idea of children being held responsible for their misbehaviors is no longer the standard used in the home. In order to allow the affair to continue, people are expected to keep secrets and maintain loyalty to only certain members of their group. There will be an ‘insiders’ group and an ‘outsiders’ group. Being raised in such an environment is unhealthy for children.
If you are in such a situation, it is important to begin taking steps to undo what has been done. Start by being honest with yourself and your family. Set up some accountability. Set up consistent structures that will add stability to the family.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
