After an affair has been discovered, one of the challenges couples face concerns the issue of punishment. The resolute spouse often feels the desire to punish the offending spouse who was involved in the affair. The type and severity of punishment often varies from couple to couple. For some couples, the punishment is corporal. A literal punishment is delivered to the offending spouse. Other couples resort to emotional or social punishment. The punishment may vary from public put downs, to being grounded from the bedroom or grounded to the home. When couples resort to punishment, the dynamics of the relationship changes. The couple are no longer two people working together, they become a master and slave, a penitent and a punisher. The power dynamic in the relationship distorts.
Besides the danger of turning the relationship into a power struggle, another danger of punishment concerns conscience. When punishment is admnistered, the offending party feels relieved. This relief is driven more by the punishment than by contrition or remorse concerning the affair behavior. In other words, punishment short circuits the guilt guilt process. It takes away the pain so that the affair and the associated issues will not have to be talked about or worked through. The mindset is that once the punishment is administered, the affair and its aftermath are over. Since punishment is a quick fix to the pain, it is not surprising that the offending spouse will want the resolute spouse to punish them. If you want to work through the issues, it is important to not give in to such urges.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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