When people have suffered traumas, especially sexual traumas, there are some potential risks regarding affairs. Depending on the intensity of the trauma, they may find themselves unable to say “no” or set firm boundaries in response to predators.
In such cases, they often want to say no, yet the conditioning associated with the trauma make the action difficult. In such cases, they are like the proverbial ‘sitting ducks’ to sexual predators.
They find themselves ‘revictimized’. During these times, they may experience feelings associated with the early life trauma all over again.
Those who have not been traumatized do not fully comprehend the struggle involved in such circumstances. They often want to yell and scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY NO?” or “WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP THEM?“.
Spouses quickly want to find who’s to blame rather than focus on understanding the needs of their spouse and how such episodes set off triggers where past and present episodes blur.
The desire for blaming leads you in addressing the wrong problem. Rather than dealing with the hurt, you focus on the poor solution.
When the episodes blur, it’s hard knowing which painful event your are dealing with.
If you find yourself faced with such a situation, you’ll need the help of a professional who has experience in dealing with such cases. The typical game of “pin the blame” on the cheater does not apply in this situation like it does in others.
Many of the usual rules don’t apply. In such situations the dynamics amount to a whole new set of ground rules or another dimension with the associated paradigm shift.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” I share ways of overcoming the effects of trauma associated with affairs. The information you’ll find there will help you understand and deal with such situations.
Best Regards,
Jeff
