People often have many questions about affairs. The question “Am I wrong to tell my husband about my affair?” is typical of the kinds of questions that are asked. Since your husband is definitely impacted by the affair, it is best that he knows, especially if the affair occurred since the marriage. Some argue that affairs which occurred prior to the marriage are not his business, yet I consider that logic flawed. In the marriage, you want honesty, especially concerning sexual activity and matters that engage the heart.
In posing such a question, there are conflicted feelings present. The affair was ‘wrong’, telling your husband is the right thing to do. With such a question, the wires have been crossed and now telling the husband becomes wrong and the affair becomes right. Such logic is selfish and narcissistic in its orientation. Getting confused about what is right and what is wrong is common with affairs. There are so many moral compromises made along the way, that gaining clear direction is not always easy. It is as if the moral compass is broken. What once gave clear directions about right and wrong is now fuzzy. Affairs have away of making things fuzzy, especially when strong feelings and passions are aroused. One area where I have seen this strongly is with swingers, who often perform moral gymnastics to continue in their lifestyle. Once caught up in that lifestyle, morality becomes twisted and confused. Those caught up in it regard anyone who speaks out on morality as as ‘evil’ and mean.
Healing from the affair will involve regaining the moral compass as well.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
