When you decide to forgive in your spouse’s cheating episode, what do you need to forgive? The options are you can forgive their cheating or them. Which do you need to forgive?
You may have held off forgiving for many reasons. Fears of them doing it again, or them not really being repentant, or “there is no way in hell, you would ever forgive them for doing what they did”. Even though you do not want to ‘let go’ of the hurt, you are tired of hurting.
What they did was wrong. They violated your trust. They violated the marriage. They stepped outside of its sacred bounds to satisfy selfish lust.
If you forgive the cheating, what will happen? If you let go of the event, it loses its power. It loses its power to convict and bring change in their lives. They need the pain to bring transformation. Since we only change when we are faced with pain, your spouse needs the pain to change them. You do not have to inflict pain, allow the regret and remorse do that work. I often tell folks that they need to quit playing ‘holy spirit’ and convict their spouse of sins. When they rely on you to do that, they never develop their own conscience. They need to feel the conviction from within them, not due to you putting them on a guilt trip.
What happens if you forgive the cheater? First you allow yourself to be in relationship with them. It frees the two of you to come together. It allows you to let go of the torment. When you let go, it frees them to experience the guilt of their actions. You do not have to guilt-trip them, when they come back into relationship, they will come face to face with the barrier created by what they did.
The challenge you may face is how to separate them from what they did. To illustrate, consider if your child broke the neighbor’s window with a ball. You may forgive them for what happened, but you still hold them accountable for making things right with the neighbor. The person was forgiven, but they are still held accountable for what they did. You send the message that you accept them. They are not a bad person. What they did was not acceptable. Likewise with your spouse. What they did was not acceptable or excusable. You love them, they are still lovable, but what they did is not. They will still have to make things right.
If you continue holding the hurt without forgiving, it becomes a barrier that keeps them out and keeps you alone.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
