Even after the affair is ‘ended’, it is not over. In the months and sometimes years after the affair, you may find yourself chasing ‘ghosts’ from the affair. After loosing your peace of mind, there is a part of you that still reacts to late night phone calls, text messages and other triggers that have you wondering if it is truly ‘over’.
During the period after finding out about the affair, you were trained to always be on guard. Your trained your senses to react to what was going on around you. You lived by your wits. Once they were turned on, they are not so easily turned off. Once you went to the high Defcon level, it is hard to gear down. Every potential person that may flirt at the cheater is viewed with suspicion. They may be at ease, but you aren’t. You are still ‘on guard’.
I call this phenomena ‘ghost chasing’, since you are chasing after the remains of a relationship. You are chasing potential threats that may or may not actually be there. You are chasing old girlfriends/boyfriends, facebook contacts and other potential risks. You are having to think ahead about problems that others don’t see.What started as a way to protect yourself becomes a torment and nightmare.
Will this (the ghost chasing) ever go away?
This is a question that I did not address in my e-book on surviving your spouse’s affair, mainly because the book looks at what you need to know in the early stages of an affair. This is a later stage of the affair question. It is part of recovery from the initial shock and stun of the affair.
Will this ever go away?
Yes it will, with forgiveness, time and relearning new responses to your spouse. It did not get that way overnight and does not go away overnight. It takes time to ‘settle down’. You still need something to believe in, and your cheating spouse has shown that they can’t be trusted very far.
It will take at least 6 months, and possibly 18 months depending on whether there are any more risks that pop up.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
