A big part of the cheater’s thinking focuses on fantasy. They have fantasies about their lover or what the lover can do for them or what an imagined life with the lover would be like. Besides having these fantasies, the surround themselves with lies, to where the lies function like a protective hedge around the fantasies. When you are faced with such a situation what can you do? How can you fight someone who is living in a virtual world, while you live in the real world?
First, you can not fight them in their virtual world. They make and change the rules as they go. The rules are based more on whim than logic. You will not get a fair hearing much less a fair fight.
Second, when you do try to talk to them, the focus needs to be on understanding rather than agreement. They may not agree with you for a long time. The best you can hope for is that they understand what you are saying. Attempting to force them into some kind of agreement is an exercise in futility.
Third, rather than trying to fight them in their world, you need to drag them into the ‘real world’. You need to bring them into a world that operates on logic, requires them to pay bills, live in homes that require maintenance and yards than need to be mowed. They need to face the reality of responsibility. They need to recognize that they can not cheat the law of cause and effect. Once you drag them into that world, then you can begin to deal with them.
Fourth, when you drag them into the ‘real world’ you need to enter that world yourself. Once in that world, you have to deal with the fact that your words are not magical. They will not immediately transform your spouse just because you spoke them. Although you may view your comments and thoughts as divine, in the real world, they will not have divine impact. Once you speak them, you will have to allow them to ‘sink in’ in order to bring about transformation.
These will get you started on dealing with the cheaters fantasies. Sign up for my free newsletter for more insights on the many issues you will face in overcoming an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
