Although the topic of understanding the affair fog and ways of getting out of it were addressed at length at the Affair Recovery Group webinar on that topic, one aspect that I dod not address was the role the extended family can play.
As a member of the family of origin, you can play a key role in dealing with the cheater. Since you have a long history with the cheater, you can often get through to them when many others can not. The long history of growing up with them in the family leads the cheaters brain being wired to be more responsive to you than many other people. This means that you can activate or ‘turn on’ the brain in such a way as to over-ride any fog induced by the affair.
Although many families have been wired into each other, you either do not realize it or not know how to use it. You will need to get the cheater out of a passive mode of doing things. When they are with the cheater, you will need to engage them in a thinking conversation rather than just small talk. Ask them to ‘remember’ some key events and once they begin engaging, you can talk to them about other issues.
Families also have a tremendous spiritual influence on the cheater. Your prayers and those of other family of origin members are often powerful tools in waking the cheater up and getting them out of the fog.
If you are not part of the family of origin, but rather the in-law family, the strength of your impact is smaller. Depending on the kind of relationship you had with the cheater, it could be helpful. If you never had a close relationship with the cheater, the amount of direct influence you have may be limited. In such cases, you will have to use indirect methods with them. It is important to join with them before you confront or get onto them. If you try confronting before they believe and you show them that you have their best interest at heart, they will shut you faster than a tight screen door.
As a family member, you do have an influence. Knowing how best to use that influence and when to use it will require wisdom. Before you step in, you may want to ask yourself ‘Will this bring healing?” If it will not, you best not involve yourself.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
