I was asked about the connection between affairs and mental illness yesterday. After addressing the question, I did some more thinking about it and found myself appalled that some of the counselors, health care workers, etc. told the questioner that there was no connection.
What is the likelihood that those counselors, health care workers and others will address the affair and any associated mental illness when they do not believe any connection exists? If there is no connection in their mind, it is not going to be addressed.
To say there is no connection is ludicrous. With many mental health problems, it is well known that those suffering often act out sexually, including having affairs. What the stumbling block seems to be is how the various mental illnesses are categorized. Many counselors adhere rigidly to the categories and if disorders do not fit into the category box, they are often dismissed.
One of the ways those suffering with mental health issues ‘deal’ with their problem is to …have an affair, or frequent prostitutes or some other sexual aberration. Anyone who has dealt with a population of people struggling with bipolar disorders can attest to this. Those dealing with adult Attention Deficit Disorders can attest to impulsive decision making regarding affairs as well.
Ironically, when you talk about personality disorders or attention deficit disorders or sexual disorders, many of those same mental health professionals suddenly see the connection between affairs and ‘specific’ mental health categories.
A relationship does exist between affairs and mental illness, beyond selected categorical boxes. Consider for example the findings of Dr. Patrick Carnes who noted that sexual addicts have the following mental health issues as well;
“Highest levels of psychopathology, Severe levels of anxiety, Severe levels of depression, Severe levels of traumatic stress reaction symptoms, Severe levels of suicidal ideation (with the highest being amoung those considering divorce), Clinically significant symptoms of conversion, somatization, and health concerns, Clinically significant elevations for irritability and paranoia,Clinically significant levels of social detachment and concentration difficulties.”
To deny that a relationship exists is to deny the reality of the situation. What is not clear is the strength of the relationship, which direction it goes (which causes which), and how the two act upon each other. One of the reasons is that there are some people who do not view affairs as a problem. Depending on the value system of the cheater, and their support system, having an affair may or may not be a problem.
This does not mean that all cheaters have mental health problems. They may be making poor choices, but that does not mean that they have mental health problems. As researchers find out more regarding this connection, more will come to light.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
Hi there! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if
that would be okay. I’m absolutely enjoying your blog and look forward to new posts.
Yes,
I do use Twitter. You can find me under @JDMurrah along with @maritalaffairs. I often share announcements of new articles or articles of interest using Twitter. I can also be found on facebook at Survive Your Partners Affair. I am post some family oriented material on Restore The Family on Google+.
Jeff,
I am suffering hard through the failure of my marriage. I am the cheating spouse. I had a one year affair, but came “out of the dark” and gave my wife the truth in hopes of taking the long hard road to rebuilding our marriage, discovery was 7 weeks ago. She is adamant about divorcing me and moving on with her life. She had previously taken my teenage daughter and moved out during Thanksgiving 2013. My question is, while I have been in counseling for the past 7 weeks (my wife went to 2 sessions but stated that she was not interested in saving the marriage), I don’t feel that everything is being addressed. I have always been rock solid dependable and loyal to my family, and this affair and year of lies is completely out of character for me. I did feel completely disconnected, fantasy land like through the first 6 or 7 months. Looking back, I honestly don’t feel like it was me. In know it was, I know what I did, however, I was a totally different person. My wife and I had previously suffered through my daughter’s mental health issues (stress, anxiety, depression requiring hospitalization in late 2011 and again spring 2012), the discovery of my chronic disease (diverticulosis) mid 2012, foreclosure of our home (fall 2012), the failure of our 19 year old business in November 2012, pending personal bankruptcy, and then the death of my beloved Grandfather in January 2012. My affair began by chance a week after his death. All of our relatives marveled at how all of these busses kept running us over, and I kept my nose on the grind stone. I have stated too many times to count that “I broke”. Last week I disclosed the truth to my cousin who lives on the other side of the country, with whom I grew up with, and am still relatively close with. He stated that it sounded like I have been suffering from an acute stress disorder, which most likely contributed to my awful decision making. I am in the process of seeking out a qualified Psychiatrist to address this issue. In the mean time, I am trying to find a correlation so that if my cousin’s hunch is correct, I may have a better understanding, and maybe have an “In Sickness” discussion (if there is truly a connection) with my wife, in hopes that she doesn’t end our 23 year marriage. I am scouring the internet looking for connections, blogs, forums, etc. Is there anyway that you can lend me some help sir?
Thank You, Ron
Ron,
Thank you for sharing. You have certainly been through some tough challenges. I know that in terms of stress, when there is too much, people break. That break can be in terms of physical health, mental health or emotional health. There are always effects from extreme stress. The events you shared would definitely qualify for extreme levels of stress. I am not clear on what your question or point of inquiry is. Are you looking for blogs that deal with the connection between acute stress and affairs? Wanting help in dealing with acute stress? Or looking for a second opinion on whether the number and intensity of events you have been through qualify as extreme stress? Given what you have been through, it would be hard for anyone to maintain focus. Many times people can ‘hold it together’ during the crisis mode, then break-down afterwards. The timing of your having an affair makes sense given what you experienced. During a ‘break-down’ phase, people often act like someone else or do extreme things. Many affairs, like yours were attempts at ‘finding a solution’. Although affairs are often used as solutions, they do not fix anything, other than reduce the pain for a short period of time. It will take a lot of work to improve things with your wife, although ‘having a connection’ gives you a better start than many spouses have. You may want to consider the e-book on the website (Is There Any Hope), where I deal with strategies to regain the relationship and love your spouse in ways that they understand.
Jeff,
Thank you very much. I am looking to not only repair/rebuild me, but to also do the same in my marriage. My wife is completely adamant about divorcing me, however, she does exhibit signs of still loving me, but is stuck in some “one size fits all” beliefs. I am struggling to forgive myself for what I have done, as is she, and I cannot walk away from our 23 year marriage easily. I will download the e-book when I get home later this evening. I thank you for your perspective and help. I am looking for any additional resources with information on this connection if you are aware of any. I have scheduled a consult with a therapist locally who specializes in stress disorders. If any additional ideas or resources come to mind, please email me if you would be so kind.
Thank You, Ron
Hi Jeff, I have been viewing your wonderful advice to all types of problems and I am lost and have no one to talk to I think I have a good one for you..
Recently I caught my wife in an affair that had been going from long distance for 8 months with a past lover “not boyfriend. ”
Rather than give you the full story I will just stick to the major mind bogglers.
So it started on Facebook just before I was leaving on a 3 week vacation. She says the communication started out of curiosity because of how he hurt her in the past.
But I recovered all the deleted messages and could not see how it started but I know initial contact was 14 th of march with him apolgising and swamping her with compliments. Within 2 weeks they had met for a innocent coffee and 4 days later texts became sexual this is entirely out of character for my wife when she and I read them it is like it is a different person writing this graphic sexual content.
This continued until I returned and she started to fight with me and blame me for things that were either acient or we had already covered ” justification” she then made threats on taking her life and I was worried and with my bad luck advised her to go to a cousins to relax 1000kms away unfortunately this was were this person lived. This is now 2 months in they planned this sexual meeting and even though I was talking and texting her all day to think of the kids and what she was doing they had a 2 hour love making session. she says she had no thought of us and did not feel bad the next day. Then 2 days later they went for drinks and had sex again after this morning she felt terrible moved her flight to come home early and when she returned she reconnected with me. Throughout this affair her frustration with the kids was unbearable and sort of crazy to witness. When questioned this is her biggest blank spot she says she is confused on how it escalated so quickly her having a bad personality and being very unattractive.
2 months later with hesitation they meet again and she says before every meeting she hated the feeling and had anxiety and wanted to keep driving but she didn’t she does not know what drew her there and how she put herself in poor positions she was and is ashamed of 2 sexual acts that is short felatio and getting on top of him.
After this event she says she was distraught and more confused but the texts continued, so it is contradictory.
You can see in the texts the relationship was fizzling and our sex life was intense passionate and often she just says she never felt I adored her or cared for her which I understand to a certain point.
She says the sex was not on the same scale as ours and it was a means to an end like a trade off with him she says sex had no value to her and sometimes with me. After numerous arguments with this person this where it gets weird rather than forcing the affair to close it ignited it she says because she saw how jealous and upset he was getting it made her feel valid.
Through this time this is when she considered “what if ” with him but she says it was a flash and gone, the other weird thing is you can see our love grow and she was doing everything to keep me happy and spending a great deal of romantic time with me. This is a trait of a narcisist because maybe she was getting off on both our love.
So 6 weeks later it’s gets weirder they meet again they arrange for him to stay the night in a hotel and she takes personal item from our bedroom, she says to show off this night sex escalated to far and anal penetration occurred which they both claimed separately by accident due to the position. She says she immediately felt vialated but did not feel bad that night but the next day was furious with herself on not understanding why she didn’t stop it . She admits that because of this incident thus started the decline of the affair she was seeing through his bullshit and he was starting to make her sick. But of course the texts do not confirm this , but you do see her start fights that seem she wanted him to leave her alone. She is 100% that these were her feelings and 6 weeks later when they meet on a work day she was going to end it, she said she wanted to do it in that location a hotel room because he was head over heels at this time and was afraid he would do something stupid and expose her also out of courtesy. anyway my intuition was spot on and I was texting her this was the only time out of all the other times she felt really uncomfortable she says this threw her off he jumped in at a weak moment and they had very simple quick missionary sex again separately they both confirm this. For him, it was that bad he viewed it was near to the end of the affair.
Now this is where it gets real complicated well maybe not for you . When I uploaded they phone messages my wife reads them and is totally shocked she first says that’s not me… for me to read them I swear if is like reading from a close friend of hers actually anyway stranger than fiction… She then breaks down has no explanation and then releases a deep dark secret which I had already questioned and assumed she may have been holding her whole life.
She advises me she had been molested by her step father for around 3 -5 years from the age of five she has blocked most memories but the ones she remebers along with control factors are very saddening.
What happened was we were involved in a boat accident and when she swallowed the sea water it brought her childhood back from this day our sex life escalted to a point of no control. Then she was having a scary reoccurring nightmare which we are pointing at this molestation issue.
My questions are
1.how doze she meet someone and within 10 days be talking sexually with him?
2. How does she block me out and in the first encounter maliciously plan a sex meeting where it starts extreme straight away and just after minutes with talking with me?
3. When she gets her validation and reward and feels terrible why didn’t she stop?
4. Why is she escalating the sex but then denying that she did?
5. Why are the messages fantasy and have little relAtion to the real time events.
6. Why is she being so self destructive when she never planned to be with this person or had real love for it seems he was some type of tool she was using but infortunatly it worked both ways.
7. LAstly how does she not think of us and consequences it really seems she is in autopilot in the messages and in real life? We have sought help from a psychologist I also am studying psychology so this is why I am trying I know her well I know it wasn’t her even though I am furious. But my marriage vows say in sickness and in health … the pyschogist has now gone down the explanation of grooming. But it is confusing why does grooming matter in the affair but never plays a role In our life it actually worked in the opposite.
Lastly another weird fact is this person ideals exactly tge same as her step father who molested her smokes the same behaves the same and had the same manurisms.
The only thing I can think of is she is self destructing and re I acting her trauma in a sense try to rewrite this sad history she has had to endure since she was 5 .
Please help I would be grateful forever
To add to all this she was dealing with depression and taking a drug called duromine.
Regards troubled one.