I often hear cheaters tell me how “I couldn’t stop myself!” They use this expression when they are describing how the affair developed. The excuse “I couldn’t stop myself!” is often thrown out in hope that they will not be held accountable for what they did. The logic of the statement is mind-boggling. They expect you to let them off the hook for their irresponsible acting out. They engage in adult relations, but throw out a child’s excuse (lack of self-control). If you feel baffled by this excuse, the mixed message is the reason why. They are trying to be an adult and a child at the same time.
When I sit down and talk with those cheaters, there is often a series of choices that set up the situation that ‘they could not control’. Whether it be the consumption of alcohol, being alone with a tempting lover, or just plain being in the wrong place at the wrong time, it is all a set-up. In the recovery community, they talk about the ‘self-serving crisis’. In those situations, the one with little to no self control sets up a situation or crisis to where they believe their only solution is to engage in the unacceptable behavior. Once they engage, they use excuses like “What did you expect from…” or “I am only human” or “I couldn’t stop myself”.
When the cheater gives you those excuses, it is up to you to decide whether or not you will believe them. Rather than let them off the hook, you may want to call them on it and find out how their series of choices set up the self-serving crisis.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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