Good Intentions often don’t last: Dealing with Chameleons

When dealing with an affair, there will be moments when you talk with the cheater and you believe that they finally ‘see the light’. They may even tell you many of the things you wanted to hear. They have a ‘moment’ of clarity when they finally realize what they did. They have good intentions to ‘turn things around’ and appear genuine in their commitment.

The problem is that in most cases, these good intentions don’t last. The cheater, like a chameleon changes with their surroundings. They know what to say in whatever situation they are in. Their sincerity is convincing. The tears and promises seem real, and in many cases they are. The challenge is that like changing channels on the television, they change with the situation. The good intentions lack follow through. They are not the same person in every situation. When they are with their lover, they are totally into it. When they are with you, they are totally into you.

So how can you tell if you are dealing with one of these ‘good intentioned’ chameleon types or if it is real?

1. Chameleon types often avoid conflicts and upsetting you.
2. Change with the Chameleon types comes easy, too easy. They quickly make promises to change with little or no effort.
3. Chameleon types are all talk and no action.
4. Chameleon types may rely on alcohol or drugs to numb themselves to some degree.
5. They will often promise things that they can not deliver on.
6. They use absolute words (never, always, forever, etc.) when making promises
7. Chameleons often make changes without any struggle. If there was little or no discomfort prior to the change, you may be dealing with a chameleon.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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2 Responses

  1. I wish I truly understood this before. My husband is a chameleon and because of my desperate desire to keep an intact family and the fears I had of surviving on my own I took him back over and over against the advice of many. I (and our counselors) was dumbfounded at how convincing the repentance looked. He was miserable, suicidal, broken, shaking…I thought he had reached bottom and finally “saw the light” and that God was doing something in him. I hadn’t had exposure to liars. He was all talk and no action. Others wanted me to have him do the work on his own, live on his own while he got help and counseling (and a job again) and had a period of time to show it was real. I wish that I had done so, but I guess in some ways it was a journey I had to take myself on to know within myself that I had done all I could. I was naive. He even as the divorce closed in this spring begged me to take him back…he said he would NEVER be angry again, serve God and family FOREVER, etc. I think he meant it in the moment but had no way of sustaining it. He would have only left again. My struggle now is to leave the “savior complex” I developed in myself all these years behind. Our marriage is over, but he is miserable and isolated and I can’t stop reliving it all and move on. It is in my thoughts all day…I want release from it. His begging me to take him back has made it harder to have been the one to divorce…I guess I carry guilt is some unhealthy way. He now says that I am the one who deserted him!

    1. Andi,

      It is natural as the spouse to want to believe your husband. You want to believe that what you are hearing is the ‘truth’. You want to get back with them. Your choice of words with the ‘savior complex’ is very accurate. As the spouse, there is the temptation to fix them. There are times when ‘fixing’ is best done by confronting, setting boundaries, and being honest with them. Yes, they need to be accepted, that I understand. It is also important to understand the idea that the Apostle Paul spoke of in referring to “Speaking the truth in love”. You need both love and honesty. One without the other creates problems. Yes, he was saying what he genuinely felt in the heat of the moment, although he was not being honest in his actions.

      You have gained many insights from your painful struggles. The situation is made worse by the cheater blaming you for deserting him. It is common for cheaters to assume that you will rescue them by taking on the blame for the problems. They are making assumptions based on past behaviors. They assume that what happened before will happen again. They often assume that since you took the blame before, why not do it again.

      I am glad that you are gaining insight into these issues now rather than continuing in a dramatic cycle of break-up, get back together, break-up, get back together, etc.

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