Some cheaters are excellent liars. They are able to lie without forethought, tell-tale signs or any discomfort. When a cheater lies that well, they have likely been practicing their lies for a long time. If you are dealing with a cheater like that, you will need some advanced tools to help you in your situation.
If you are dealing with an amateur liar, today’s post has material you can use. When the cheater is a non-professional liar, they often show tell tale signs. One of the first big signs is that the story sounds too good. When things sound too good, they usually are. Amateur liars often plan and think through the lies before they tell them. If too much of what they are telling you is too good, or totally out of character, take note.
Liars often shift in their chair after telling a lie. There is also a strange tendency for them to touch their nose, much like Pinocchio.
Since lies often have to be manufactures ahead of time, there is a mechanical aspect to them. They often come too easy or come across as too rehearsed.
Questions are often the best response to liars. They have likely scripted out what to say to each comment you could make. Changing the topic and using questions about indirect matters is often your best ploy. Consider questions about items that they are not defensive about. Such questions and the responses can provide you a model for how they respond with the truth. Compare that to what happens when you talk to them about affair related materials. If there is any major change, you may be dealing with a liar.
These will get you started on building a foundation of honesty.
Best Regards,
5 Responses
But what are the odds liars can really change? It becomes an ingrained pattern of behavior…the default fallback position and the way they have learned to solve problems. I used to be idealistic and believe in such change, but I don’t anymore. Why live with a partner and put yourself through having to analyze their body language etc. to even know if they are telling the truth? What is left of a relationship when you have to get to that point? How is there any love and respect left? It is hell to live with. Better they leave and if they can change then do it on their own and come back later transformed, but in the meantime their partner can live without that horrendous fear lying brings and can walk with integrity in their own home. Their children need to see that integrity from someone and boundaries drawn.
Andi,
Thanks for your comments.When you are dealing with a long term liar, the odds that they will change are small, VERY small. From your comments, you know from experience about living with a liar. “It is hell to live with” sums it up very well. There are times that you will have to cut your losses and leave. Knowing at what point that is varies from person to person. I am not aware of any one size fits all answers to the question of “When should I leave?”
It is work trying to read body language. In a healthy marriage, you should not have to.In unhealthy marriages, it is the way things are from day to day. Some people are willing to try it and others know what their limitations are. You knew how much you could handle and left, which many women do not. I appreciate your voice of experience.
Dr. Phil says that past behavior is a predictor of future behavior.
For some, infidelity is new behavior that was not part of the past. Later, what is a person supposed to believe about what Dr. PHil says–which past behavior, the years of fidelity or insanity that came with temporary infidelity?
Some say ‘once a cheater, always a cheater.’
I say that is unfair as well as absurd.
The experience just removes the rose-colored glasses.
Rollercoasterider,
It is good to hear from you again. Keep in mind that Dr. Phil makes a living as a consultant for juries, which is how he met Oprah. One must always consider the source of information. He has to make his living predicting behaviors. In some cases, infidelity is a repeated behavior, in other cases it is not. I find I have to assess it on a case by case basis. Although past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, it by no means indicates it will happen again.
Those who advocate once a cheater, always a cheater give no room for the cheater to change their ways. I agree such judgmental attitudes (or prejudice if you prefer) like all prejudices makes it difficult if not impossible to improve the relationship.
“In some cases, infidelity is a repeated behavior, in other cases it is not. I find I have to assess it on a case by case basis.”
Yes, this was my point.