It is often easier for you and others to use catch phrases like, ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater” or “If they did it before, they will only do it again” in dealing with cheaters. Cheating is a symptom. It is a symptom that something is either wrong with the cheater or wrong in the marriage relationship or both. If your response to the cheater is the same as it has always been, then ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ may apply. It is easier to blame the cheater than say “Once a cuckold, always a cuckold” or “Once cheated on, always cheated on”, which also describe what is assumed to be going on. The reality is “If you keep doing what your have always done, you will keep getting what you have always got”. If what you are doing is condoning the cheating, then yes, you will have more of it to deal with.
In terms of whether or not your cheater will do it again, consider if you have made any changes. If you are the same person you were before the cheating, and you deal with the cheater in the same patterns as before, the risk for it happening again is high. If you have made changes to you and the relationship, if you have changed the way you and the cheater interact, then you have done what you can. If the cheater cheats at that point, in most cases, the problem lies with them. Cheaters often like to blame their spouse for the cheating. It is often easier to blame, than to make changes. It is hard to say, “Honey, we need to change the way we deal with each other, the way we treat each other and the way we talk to each other” and then follow through with action. It steps on toes and takes people out of their comfort zone. Rather than focus on weather they will cheat again, you may need to consider, “What did you learn from the cheating and how have you changed your marriage and yourself based on what you learned?”
The relationship can be rebuilt, although it will likely need some major overhauls. You may need to change how you fight, how you talk about your needs, how you listen to the cheater, how to listen without judging, how to express anger without attacking, how to avoid being distracted when talking to your spouse, how to set boundaries with extended family or some other issues. Those actions will bring real changes rather than the two of you playing the “share and stare” game.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
9 Responses
Tiffany,
Since you feel played, his actions were a betrayal. As to whether or not it was an affair, a great deal depends on what his level of commitment to the relationship is. He may be fooling around, and be disloyal, yet if there was no commitment or implied commitment, calling what they did ‘infidelity’ can be nebulous (or fuzzy). When the commitment is weak, the case for infidelity is often weak as well. The pain is still there from the betrayal, yet the weakness of the commitment makes claims of infidelity a tough sell. They are definitely cheating, but it is hard to say they are being non-loyal (loyalty or fidelity being necessary).
Can you delete my post please
I regret giving too much please delete.
Tiffany,
Thank you for writing. Your post has been deleted.
Thank you
Thank You Jeff for the wonderful work you do!
I am so glad that somebody finally had the courage to tell the truth about that artificial media/hollywood kind of lifestyle that is so unnatural that I don’t think there are even any animals or insects which could live or live thru it.
One thing I want to ask the MEN to listen to is that please take those bad thoughts out of your heads. As Jeff has mentioned (in some of his writings) they can be just imagination leading to paranoia.
The fact is that the ladies are less likely to cheat on their husbands, I know that by experience. I once took one of those so-called 10 Signs That She is Cheating …and my wife failed maybe 7 of them yet I Know she has not done anything wrong and has never gone out with another man at all.
So please do not listen to those who seem to be helping but they want to break up your marriage!
Some may think I am being paranoid but I know for fact that these magazines and media (TV shows etc.) are all anti family and want to break up marriages/families and encourage the women to be “free” and “careless/carefree” etc. in order to accomplish their evil task.
What they are really saying is that is OK for the women to cheat on their husbands (and vice versa) and it is happening all over which is a lie… if we continue reading or watching these poisonous materials then we will fall victims (as I am sure there has been so many already).
Please do not allow the devil interfere with your life. Believe in God and His divine justice and let Him take care of you and your life.
Do not accuse your wife of wrong doing because if you keep up then eventually she may as well do it (she gets used to being accused of it then it makes it possible for her to cheat whereas before she was afraid to even think about it), so don’t let it be your fault.
I know there are always exceptions, I am not talking about those.
If you don’t talk to your spouse and don’t know how to communicate then you can always write her/him an email or text/MSG them. I mean maybe you can think clearer while writing rather than talking to someone but never stop the communication.
Thanks!
Best Regards:
Defeat the evil and make your marriage work!
Oh sorry I forgot to mention that this is my very 1st visit here to this site, I was searching for the words “Virtue” and “Modesty” and I happened to find this wonderful writing by Jeff Murrah in here:
http://www.pasadenaisd.org/ParentUniversity/parent23.htm
Then I followed the link at the end of that page and I got here.
I have to say that my own marriage after 33 years (for all practical purposes) has ended thanks to her for starting to lead a new trashy lifestyle, staying with her friends/coworkers, drinking, using profanity and wearing clothes which are too tight too short or too revealing and acts as a single woman.
We married at very early age (16 and 19) and I was proud of the fact that we had made it, but I am fling for divorce now.
The rest I wrote I deleted because I felt it was too personal but I still support the ladies because I see more men cheat than women! My wife has never cheated on me, it is just the way she acts now that is against all the family values I (we) ever held dear.
As Jeff mentioned (and it is so interesting/true) that her mind is and has been on Auto Pilot now for a long time and so she refuses to think.
She has become another hollywood specimen and a victim who thinks she is free now and has conquered life! huh…That artificial lifestyle that flashes on all of the covers of these flashy magazines and on TV only lead people into drug abuse, alcoholism, jail or hospital (if not the morgue) it is sad but true, once you throw away your values and ethics terrible things take their places and take you where you don’t want to be.
I wish everyone good luck
Thanks!
Regards;
Matey,
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad that you added your comments and observations. I wrote the material for Parent University over five years ago. It is encouraging hearing that it remains helpful.