Resentments and affairs

When your spouse cheats, it does not mean that the marriage is over. Affairs can be overcome. What is harder to overcome in many cases are resentments. There are times when the resentments regarding the affair do more damage than the affair itself. The danger with resentments is that they destroy the spirit of the marriage. Holding a grudge about the affair will end up doing more damage to the marriage than the affair itself.

Does this mean that you are to put on your ‘happy face’ after your spouse cheats? No, it does not mean that you smile and all is well. The hurts generated by the affair will need to be dealt with. When they are not dealt with, avoided or only partially resolved, there is the risk of you developing resentments. Resentments creates a repelling force in the marriage. Resentments push the cheater away from you. There may be reasons why you are resentful, yet the continued holding of a death grip on them will not make the cheater want to be around you. The stench of resentments and bitterness will push the cheater away. The very thing you want to prevent, you may be contributing to by continually making any time they are around you filled with guilt, resentment, and anger. Cheaters are not attracted by such qualities. When they cheated, I can guarantee you that they did not choose someone with those qualities unless they are into S & M, which have a different relationship dynamic.

You may not be happy about the affair, yet resenting the cheater is NOT the answer to your pain. You need to hate what they did, not who they are. Your resentment needs to be directed at their actions, not at them. Separating what they did from who they are is not an easy task. When you are able to separate the two, you can let go of the resentment directed at the cheater. Until you let go of the bitterness associated with resentments, you need to get used to being alone in your pain.

I know that this is not a popular thing to say, yet in recovering from your partners affair, there will be some challenges, like those involved with letting go of resentments.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

For more on recovering from your spouses affair, you will want to obtain a copy of my e-book dealing with recovery from an affair.

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3 Responses

  1. Yes I can agree with you ..as in one of the past posts where you urged me to delete resentment and bitterness…As a Christian ..practicing forgiveness is very important and certainly asking the Lord to cleanse me from accumulated anger and such .

    However the problem in our marriage is complicated …not any kind of excuse yet it is very difficult because essentially my husband made a ‘new marriage’ and family with his OW while NEVER wanting to be ‘married to her ‘ or even in any kind of way have it seem like a ‘marriage”

    He got involved from the beginning almost like a ‘business’ arrangement ..they agreed to have sexual intimacy and to have fun but not to be lifetime marriage partners.

    They wanted all the fun and ‘benefits’ without any obligations. The problem is when she urged him to ‘give her children ‘ telling him she was intending to be a ‘single mom by choice’ he was incapable of staying detached from the children or allowing his ‘responsibilities ‘ financially to remain in OUR marriage as he intended .

    He was drawn in by his ‘good guy ‘ requirements of his own self image. In fact it became MORE important to him to be a ‘good guy’ under these circumstances because men have ‘traditionally’ been the ones accused of being the womanizer/

    This woman is a man’izer’ and it is humiliating for a man to admit he was conned .

    There is a site I now cannot remember the link …that is all about the female sex con …that is more and more the ‘thing’ ….

    There are so many ways his being deceitful and being deceived effect our being able to reconcile our relationship …He is feeling now so much guilt as he sees her for what she is in all the ways she hoards money for herself that we send and even takes the additional money he gives each child each week now for FOOD since she does not keep food in the house…leaves them to fend for themselves and carries on her newest sexual escapades …bringing the man into the children’s lives …

    I hope she marries him but it is not likely …neither wanted marriage both have children born out of wedlock …

    I am amazed that the man does not see what she does to use my husband while trying to turn the children away from HIM and telling him is not to speak of Christ around them or give them bible …he gave the oldest a xeroxed copy of Proverbs ONE ..she immediately demanded he cease from giving them such things…

    Anyway ..you know my tale …the aspect of resentment I guess that I have is still wondering what my best response should be so that he does not get comfortable lying …as he did two years ago …LYING is his WAY ..a habit …

    I gave so much trust while sharing biblical truths and respect over the year..and even after he stopped his adultery ..but he took advantage of my trust AGAIN …for two years..and not only contacted them ..and gave more and more finances….HE feels he is trapped into doing so .

    I agreed with him to take care of them financially …and quite generously since our entire savings is GONE…and we will be having to sell or lose our home….

    I agreed that he should see the children after learning of his lying

    I simply do not see that he has become EQUIPPED with the ‘eyesalve ‘ of the truth that opens our eyes to SEE deceptions and games that people will use to ensnare …HE is especially vulnerable to them …

    The return to such an environment is dangerous for his OWN soul , any kind of nurture and work in our marriage and it really is not all that great for the kids…His visits reinforce that he is NOT the head….but the tail …in terms of all decision making SHE is the “ruler ‘ ..so to demonstrate this dynamic in their lives is NOT giving them truth in any aspect of the way GOD would have them ‘trained up’

    I had originally shared this with him ..that he needed to learn truth before reconnecting so he would not stumble over his emotions and fears …It has come to pass.

    His reconnect has caused him MORe pain ..he cannot make much headway with any relationship with the kids…the boyfriend is used to cause competition between the affections of the children …in many very overt ways .

    The WOMAN is causing destruction in the lives of EVERYONE and no laws can bring this to an end

    I suggested that my husband go to a lawyer to learn what his ‘rights ‘ as a father are

    There is a site online also that deals with the father issues

    My own mom was an investigator for the DA’s office in the area of paternity , welfare fraud.

    This is a MESS and there needs to be reforms but it serves many lazy and sinful women well so many fathers have little voice after the fact …married or not .

    Anyway …I think your points are well made…ongoing bitterness hurts the one who is bitter..and it clouds the thinking …a short list is better kept before the Lord

    Ongoing living with a man in such a situation and state is like living with a mental patient …it takes a LOT of endurance. ..which I did not know I had …maybe don’t but that is why I need to stay in the WORD daily and close to the LORD for all the strength and wisdom I can glean .

    Thank you for keeping on with the exhortations here.

    Marriage IS foundational to all that GOD built ….it is the image of HIS loving sacrificial act to reconcile man back to himself so we must be taught this ..and learn to live in what that means….long …life long lessons!

    I seem to be a “perpetual freshman”! haha …

    1. Zaza,

      Yours is truly a challenging situation that has no painless solutions. Someone will eventually be hurt. Someone is going to suffer loss, if not everyone. It astonishes me how a few lies could turn into the chains of bondage, which your husband is in. I can understand your resentments, in terms of the betrayal, financial betrayal, unfaithfulness, and the duplicity of his actions. Mr. ‘Good Guy’ probably does want to do the ‘right thing’ yet is so confused, he does not recognize right from wrong, which leads to further bad choices in a very crazy situation. He can not please everyone and if he tries to …everyone will loose. He will have to make choices and cut relationship ties somewhere. The complicating factor is the children. They will be the ones carrying the burden of the many bad choices, lies and deceits. They did not choose the craziness, yet now have to live with it.

      I may have to do a post on women who trap men.

      I am thankful that you are a woman of faith. It is probably the only reason that you are still sane and holding it together.

  2. Thank you .

    Yes I had told him and acknowledged the ‘needs’ of the children but the necessity for he himself to get knowledge of truth and then have the ‘courage’ to tell it and live it

    That is a REAL LEAP in terms of the condition of his mind from many years of habitual fear of being seen as a ‘Christian; ….it is funny …many people hope to distinguish themselves in some way as ‘unique’ when following Christ is truly counterculture! but with good results!

    Somehow even as the Lord warned us …deception would overtake us from our very own hearts if we would not be willing to ‘bite the bullet ‘ of rejection from the world among whom he identified might be even they of our very own household

    It is a bitter pill but is sweetened only by the recognition that HE is WORTHY to be obeyed …even if it is costly to us .

    No matter how many times I have offered the things I was learning in the nicest way to some ..SOME STILL revile ..reject and mock ..that is because the truth of the SPIRIT of GOD is offensive to those who opposing it ..no matter HOW ‘nicely ‘ one may put it …it is what is IN them that finds what is IN those who are HIS .,.’offensive’

    Check out the guy who was in the tombs…Men tried to restrain him from doing damage to himself ..but the spirits IN him…were more powerful even to the breaking of chains..

    Man apart from GOD is impotent in the face of demonic activity that comes and goes in those OPEN to suggestions from those sources,..Without the WORD in our minds to compare ..we ourselves do not know what thoughts are our OWN ..and what is from ‘another source’

    God told us to make OUR THOUGHTS …HIS from study and the “casting down of vain imaginations and every high THING that holds itself up against the KNOWLEDGE of GOD …and to BRING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE to the OBEDIENCE to CHrist ‘

    First the knowledge received with a meek and hungry attitude

    Sin opens a gateway for ‘thoughts’ that come from outside our own minds…

    IF a person refuses to listen …receive and open this mind to THE WORDS OF GOD ..he WILL be vulnerable to temptations that work in areas of character weakness…NO MAN apart from obedience to the commands/words of GOD is equipped to resist

    That is why I see that we are not just told to ‘resist the Devil’ but we are told to ‘submit to GOD , resist the Devil and HE will FLEE from you’

    The command to ‘submit and resist :” is NOT TWO activities but ONE …to submit to GOD IS GOING TO RESULT IN RESISTING THE DEVIL

    You cannot think TWO THOUGHTS at once….a mixture is what truth and lies is often received by us when we do not KNOW what GOD”S WHOLE word says …not just parts of it …like bits of rock …better known as ‘sand’ but to build on the WHOLE WORD is to build on THE ROCK .

    The corruption of the world breaks down truth in the minds of man who does not obey the command to “RENEW our minds’ …every DAY we are told in the first ‘quote’ of Jesus CHrist as he refuted the thoughts the came to mind in the wilderness…HE quoted scripture …:MAN does not LIVE by bread alone but by EVERY WORD that comes out of the mouth of GOD ”’ or as 2 Tim 3:16 confirms …the “God breathed word’ …equips …the man following the Lord with ‘instruction in righteousness’

    Lacking that we are all ‘naked’ …we are told to “PUT ON THE WHOLE ARMOR oF GOD ‘ the WORD

    So yes …this is a huge lesson we are learning in practical , and immediate demonstration of the contrast of lives lived either by submission to the LORD without which there is NO “resisting’ the Devil effectively

    Sadly …but I am confident that the Lord;s will WILL be done ..with or without our cooperation …I trust that we OUGHT to be very concerned that we are going along with him and NOT against Him .

    That seems the wisest and ‘safest ‘ place for anyone to be!

    Thank you for your continued sharing of my burden ..weeping with those who weep does not deny the power of the Lord to save and heal …it is fellowship in the process as we acknowledge that every person is given the freedom to respond or reject that which is offered to us all through the loving provision and sacrifice of our LORD

    May the Lord continue to work on behalf of HIS will in all things in your life as we trust in Him ongoing ..eternity is a LOT longer than any trial here …despite our impatience with all that is presently going on .

    May blind eyes seek Him and the Way dry all tears ……

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