Cheating in the Military

Infidelity and the Military

One area of infidelity seldom in the limelight is that of infidelity in the military. There are problems of infidelity with both those who serve in the military and with their spouses. The topic is one that is often surrounded in secrecy, yet in need of being dealt with. Officially, the military does not condone infidelity. Infidelity can lead to a court martial in some cases. Adultery in the military is not something new, history documents how this was an issue with ancient armies, including the Biblical account of King David having relations with the wife of one of his commanders.

Spouses of those who serve in the military often identify themselves with the profession. You often hear of “Army wives” or “Navy wives“. In the present military this now includes “Army dad” and “Navy dad”. The Army wife or Army Dad often face the challenges of raising the family while their spouse is away on deployment. The identifying moniker also carries with it the feeling that they themselves are married to either the marines, army, navy, air force, coast guard, etc.

This close identification with the profession is a trait that couples in these circumstances share with law enforcement.Besides sharing the close identification law enforcement also share the similar challenges of constant life-threatening dangers and the lure of the uniform.

Divorce Rates and the Uniform Military Code

Although it is not often mentioned, the divorce rate for those men serving in the military has increased since 2005. The divorce rate for the women serving has also increased. Military sources, downplay this by playing statistical games. This is often done to downplay the risks.

It is also of interest that the divorce rate for enlisted personnel is higher than that of the officers.

When affairs occur, military couples often address the issue quickly. When in the military, the fastest way to address such concerns often involves seeing the local chaplain. When couples want to address their infidelity issues, the issues of religious affiliation become a secondary concern while addressing their marital issues is a primary concern.

In the military care circles, the term offender’ is often the preferred term for the cheater. The resolute spouse is referred to in terms of non-offending’ spouse. Although the term offense’ seems strong, yet the act of adultery is an offense defined in the Uniform Military Code (Article 134). Experience has taught those in military units, that adultery breaks down unit cohesion and is viewed as “prejudicial to good order and discipline.”

Stressors and Challenges in military life

There are many unique stressors associated with military life that make infidelity a challenge. Here is a list of some of those stressors.

1. The opportunity and environment for one-night stands. When the service personnel have been in combat, there is often heavy drinking. The heavy drinking combined with a “go for it!” approach to life often creates volatile situations.
2. Living on the edge. The constant rush associated with combat and danger often re-program the brain. Doing things for excitement can become a stronger drive than doing what is right. When a brain is accustomed to the constant stimulation, it often starts to view that as normal’, and seeks to create an environment where there is constant stimulation.
3. Close Bonding. In military units, there is close bonding that occurs. There are times when the bonding crosses lines into sexual or emotional activity.
4. Paybacks. In the military, there is a high risk of people engaging in risky behavior as a way to payback’ their spouse for something that they have little control over while serving in the military.
5. Men and women in uniform. Uniforms often carry with them associations of power which are often sexualized. There are some singles who find themselves attracted to those in uniform. Those in the military often face unsolicited advances from such persons.

In dealing with the infidelity, the offender’ often wants to move quickly past the offense, so that they can get on with life. In the military, the desire to move on’ is a challenge, since their survival and performance in combat situations often depends on them being in good spirits. Since they often live life on a day-to-day basis, with constant dangers, there is no room for spending days or months in emotional turmoil.

Rather than getting frustrated navigating through military help channels, you can do something about it now. Order the Affair Recovery Workshop and you can start working on your military marriage today,, in your own home.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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6 Responses

  1. Who do I need to contact if my husband is cheating. with a girl in navy, we are separated but not legally, she knows we are married we have kids together just had one she is 2 weeks old he dosn’t come see them cause he with her, i dont blame just her but blame both, i just want him to be there for his kids and with her in the picture it will never happen what should i do

    1. Tina,

      I am not sure who you need to contact. If you were legally his wife, you could contact the commanding officer of the person in the navy. Since you are not his wife, your options are limited.

    1. Cathy,

      Thank you for the good question. My working definition of infidelity is ‘when you give attention or affection to someone else which belongs to your spouse’. I use that definition based on how the act impacts relationship dynamics. Emailing someone does not technically constitute infidelity. For example, in a court of law, you could not be charged with marital unfaithfulness for emails. Although it may show that you are emotionally involved, since no coitus occurred, it would not be considered ‘infidelity’.

      You will also find that the word means different things to different people. Your spouse may be fine with you sending the emails. If the recipient’s spouse considers the emails a form of infidelity, there could be problems. Some spouses draw the line at coitus, some at kissing, and some at emotional attachment.

      Even the definitions change depending on the status of the marriage relationship. If the relationship is secure, simple flirting and messages are not a threat. When the relationship is unstable, many flirting behaviors are then considered threats and forms of infidelity.

      I hope that this helps with your situation.

  2. What are my options if my husband (non-military) had an affair with an US Army female. We are living together with two kids. She knew that he was married at the time of the affair, but she still chose to engage in the affair. When he tried to end the affair, she started to blackmail him, send threatening texts, and stalk him at his place of work. She also has showed up at my job to tell me about the affair. And now she has started sending me messages via Facebook to tell me how they had sex and calling me names. I have tried to ignore it but somehow she has found out where my family lives and I am worried that she will try to come to my house.

    1. Mary,

      I hate to hear about such a thing happening to you. Lovers often become possessive. When they have a uniform (police, government or military), the situation gets worse fast. They often exploit their position of power and influence. Since the military are often under a different set of laws than you, it makes things challenging. One option is to bring the matter to their commanding officer. If that does not get you results, try contacting your congressman. They often have some clout in such matters. Since military bases want to keep good relations with the local community, they are vulnerable to bad public relations in the local newspapers and news stations.

      It sounds like she is trying to put you in a hostage-like situation.

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