Giving the lover power

You may have taken away all responsibility from the cheater for their actions by blaming the lover. By putting all or most of the blame on the lover, you let the cheater ‘off the hook’. It will be no wonder when they do not assume any responsibility for their actions, given that you have already blamed the lover for what they did. It is true that there are ‘evil’ lovers who seduce and ruin others, and you may have one of those situations. Most of you, however are facing situations where your spouse was a willing participant, if they did not initiate what happened. The likelihood of them being a willing participant increases with each time they are with their lover. If they have been with the lover more than once, they can not claim to be an innocent victim. When they initiate a meeting with the lover, they are not being a victim. They loose any remnant of victim status when they return the lover’s calls, texts and IM’s.

If you are blaming it all on the lover or even a majority of the affair on the lover, you may want to re-think things. With each successive meeting, your spouse has more responsibility. They need accountability for their role and their choices. Sure you can call the lover all kinds of names, but that does not mean that they are the problem. Attacking your spouse will not fix the problem either. Loading them up with guilt is not going to make them want to be with you, it will have the opposite effect.

I encourage you to think before you speak and think twice before you act.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah