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When the cheater does not say that they are sorry for what has happened, what do you do? Do you need to do anything? In terms of reconciling, it is better if they express remorse for their actions, although it is not always necessary. You may need to ask yourself what you main goal is. Are you out to make them feel as miserable as you feel, are you out to make them feel every ounce of guilt for what they did or are you out to repair your marriage? If you are out to make them feel the pain and guilt, then their not feeling sorry or expressing it is a major concern. If, on the other hand, your main goal is repairing your marriage, then the remorse may not be a requirement. Yes, it would be nice if they expressed remorse for their actions. Is it a requirement that they feel sorry for what they did BEFORE you work things out with them? As they grow closer to you, then the remorse will come about naturally without you have to use guilt or remind them of their faults. As you mean more to them, they will regret any pain that they brought into your life.

Requiring them to feel sorry before reconciliation is not essential. One does not have to come before the other. Expecting the cheater to follow all the steps in order according to some book is not a realistic expectation. Since we are human, we do not always follow the pattern, stay in line, or do things according to the book. The cheater, especially if they are the independent or creative type may not follow patterns very well at all.

When you are doing what you can to repair your marriage, you need to keep your main goal in mind. Do you want them back, or do you want them to feel pain? Some of you may honestly want them to feel the pain before you accept them back. I can live with that as long as you are honest with yourself about that. When your main goal is to have them feel bad, then do not be upset that they do not want to get back with you. You are getting what you want. Just be honest with yourself. Don’t say you want them back, when your main goal is seeing them suffer.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Nothing in this Work is intended to replace common sense, legal, medical or other professional advice. If your situation warrants it, please seek competent professional counsel.