When the cheater has decided to act on their desire for an affair, their whole thinking changes. Prior to that they had kept up many fantasies about the affair. When it becomes time for action, it is as if they are on automatic pilot. One of my friends calls it ‘robot mode’. When in robot mode, they methodically execute commands like a robot. The programming began with the fantasies and now they are executing what they had played out so many times in their mind.
While in robot mode, they can be very creative in terms of finding ways to start the affair and connect with the lover. Modern technology has only made this phase easier. Technology both makes it easier for them to hide and for you to catch them. Lies continue remaining their main way of hiding their actions. even when facts are produced, they have ways of excusing them away.
If you try to talk with them in robot mode, it may seem that they are there physically but not emotionally. That is because they are not there. They are living in their head, which is somewhere else. This can be frustrating as you try interacting with them. You will try to engage them, but there is weak to no response. The problem is not you, it is with them. They are not emotionally available for you to connect with.
This will help you understand more about what is in a cheater’s mind. I discuss it more in my webinar on the topic.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
Thank you for expressing this so well. I have just begun to read yet ANOTHER book about all of this sort of thing.
This one lays out very clearly the ways to rebuild after infidelity …”Emotional Infidelity ” How to affair proof your marriage and 10 other secrets to a Great Relationship” by M Gary Neuman.
Not saying anything particularly NEW yet additional stories and some good solid 1,2,3 for what is needed from people to heal things…at the top is COMMITMENT and WILLINGNESS ….which translates into HOPE and ACTION …
Zaza,
It sounds like you have found a helpful book. There are times we need reminders about what we need to do.
“They are living in their head, which is somewhere else. This can be frustrating as you try interacting with them. You will try to engage them, but there is weak to no response. The problem is not you, it is with them. They are not emotionally available for you to connect with.”
Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that they will become available for you to connect with. There is no guarantee that they will come out of their “fog”. We as betrayed spouses can try to stay strong and fast with honoring our marriage vows, but at what cost and for how long? We’re only human and there comes a time where we become physically and emotionally exhausted. So far, I’m not there yet (still trying to keep on keepin’ on) but more and more often I’m asking myself the question, “how long can I keep this up?” I don’t want to give up on my vows before God, but at the same time, I don’t want to be a Patsy.
Scott,
Your question of “but at what cost and for how long?” is a tough one. Such circumstances will try your patience, your soul, your heart and your mind. I know of no standard answer, since it varies from relationship to relationship and how much you love them. It is hard to love them through such a trying time. Such circumstances call for a lot of soul searching and often reveal what you are made of. In some cases, the change needs to come from hurt spouse and in others from the cheater. What I can tell you is that you will need to take care of the children and safety issues. If the physical or sexual safety of your children, yourself or others is at stake, it is time to leave/cut your losses. Where that point is varies. If the cheater is physically or sexually abusive, you need to cut your losses now. If you are not dealing with that imminent threat, you may need to do some soul searching and decide where you will draw your line in the sand. One danger is that the hurt spouse often excuses each hurt and allows themselves to put up with more and more pain.