What is your counselor’s marriage like?

After finding out about your spouse’s affair, you are vulnerable. You are also hurting and looking for answers. You may be seeking answers online, through friends, through family or even neighbors. When you start hurting bad, you may even go to the doctor, pastor or counselor.

When you go to doctors, pastors or counselors, you need to consider the simple question of ‘What is your counselor’s marriage like?’ Some of those helpers may cringe at you daring to post such a question. They may dismiss it as ‘not important’ or ‘none of your business’ or ‘not pertinent to counseling’. The answer is pertinent. How the counselor lives their life will bleed over into the counseling session. Who they are and what they believe about relationships and marriage will come through in the counseling sessions. If they have a profligate lifestyle, it will influence their work with you. Since you are vulnerable, those ideas may influence how things go.

It is true that you do not have to know all the details of their marriage, although knowing if they are married, whether it is their first, the status of their marriage and who they are married to will have some bearing. If they do not believe in the importance of marriage or they have a history of affairs themselves or are even in the midst of an affair, there may be problems. If you are one of those who go to whichever counselor is on your insurance plan, you may want to reconsider. That is akin to marrying whoever is the next available date, regardless of who they are or what their values are. You wouldn’t take the next in line for a spouse, so why should you do the same with someone who is working with you to save your marriage?

Sadly, most of you will go with who the insurance covers rather than who could help you the most or who shares your values. Such choices tell me quickly what your marriage really means to you. You may talk about how you will do ‘anything’ to save your marriage, then settle for the whatever insurance approved, store brand therapist has the next available appointment. You marriage in not a place where going with the generic brand of helper is in YOUR best interest.

You need to start demanding the best and expecting the best. You want to hold your spouse to higher standards. It starts with wanting the best for yourself as well. Rather than settling for what is ‘on the list’, begin validating your worth by wanting someone who believes in marriage, someone who will want your marriage and yourself helped as much as you do. Part of that is giving yourself permission to ask tough questions of the counselor as well.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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2 Responses

  1. I actually have wondered this about you. You understand so much about relationships and I hope you don’t mind me asking, but have you yourself been hurt?

    1. Stormy,

      Thank you for asking. In response, the answer is yes. I cover most of that in my ‘About’ section. I put the link here if you want more details. There have been some other times that affairs have touched my life as well that are not mentioned. I have avoided mentioning them due to some sensitivity issues for the family members involved. When I was dating, there was an episode where I was nearly drawn into a relationship with a woman, and suddenly discovered she was married and her husband was in prison. On finding that out, I high-tailed it out of there. There were other episodes where I had to go with friends in uncovering things that were unpleasant to find out.

      Fortunately, it has not happened to my marriage, although there were some close calls that happened when we were going through some crises.

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