When you are in pain, you will want to learn from it rather than avoid it. Pain is a reminder that you are alive and it also lets you know what you need to work on.
Pain is also essential in the rebuilding process. You will need to learn how to work with it. All through your life, you may have avoided it. It is natural that you do not want to see your spouse hurting or in pain. When it comes to affairs, you do not want to take away or reduce the discomfort produced by the pain too quickly. The pain has a purpose. It’s purpose is to wake your spouse up to what they did, and how it effected others. They often have to wake up to how their selfish behavior has impacted everyone around them. Comforting them before the pain has finished accomplishing this is a common mistake.
Although the lover may be a source of pleasure for them, the reduction of pain is a MORE powerful motivator than pleasure. When they are in pain, they will want to reduce it. Covering the pain over with pleasure does not mean that the pain has been reduced.
One of the simple things you can do in this area is avoiding the temptation to “fill the silence”. When you share feelings, allow there to be silence. The silence allows the feelings to sink in. Speaking up too soon just to fill the silence yanks the cheater out of the pain. This means that you will have to get comfortable with allowing the cheater to feel pain and with your own silence at times. Silence can be as powerful as words when used effectively.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
Good point….I tend to talk ….a LOT ….to ‘see’ what I am thinking ….in the case of my husband’s infidelity it has not be useful in some of the ways that he has needed to look at himself because of HIS OWN desire to get a clue.
With the case of having to deal with the children he had with the OW it has been a long journey as he not only protects his reasoning but he has developed a whole way of dealing with me as a result of having had years of dealing with the OW who is a LOT different in her worldview and behavior being a earth worshipper and new ager as opposed to a follower of the Lord .
Life is very challenging because of this aspect …
I am coming to a place where I am keeping my own counsel ….giving information to my husband throughout our marriage was a result of having been counseled that wives need to keep their husband’s clued into their thoughts….this did not work well for us …my husband simply either tuned out or used the info to stratigize his stealth life
It is very sad when this happens…as the first laws of marriage as recorded in Genesis involves leaving ,…cleaving and TRANSPARENCY …..
If one ends up married to someone who apostates the faith it is nearly impossible to deal with them in these ways and end up with a cohesive marriage relationship …
HIs companionships outside of our marriage encouraged his desire for sin and his using his intellegence to use and abuse my trust.
NOw it is simply very difficult as his mind has been molded through many years of allowing the OW to form his attitudes regarding women and a ;wife’ as well ….very damaged.
I have had to reap this willful sin that he has brought upon us all …and his mind is still effected by it …he does not invest in study of the WOrd and has basically justified himself in that he ‘must’ involve himself in the lives of the children of adultery …this at the cost and damage to our own children ..they may be older but they are observing all of his choices and actions as being further damaging to me and their own place in his life.
Men may think that due to feminism that a man …a father ‘s influence is not all that important but in the Word GOD addresses MEN in particular because of their huge influence upon their children and society
The humanistic doctrine of the ‘absent father’ however …upon men like my husband who HAVE a family …ends up getting him to feel he is necessary in the lives of the children of adultery while having neglected his own family and caring about their hearts …first and foremost…
The casual attitude about blended families also has damaged the following generations as many children of blended families as a result of adultery and remarriage has caused them to have to ‘accept ‘ sinful arrangements that the parent assume they should….as they think of children as something less than real people ….resiliant….but God has told fathers NOT to provoke their children
I believe this kind of arrangment with the exception of two people who are widowed …causes much damage to the attitude of Children about GOD and love and marriage.
Just my take,…
Zaza,
Your perceptions about the modern church and the toleration/acceptance of blended families is right on. One of the flaws of evangelism is that the church as a whole has neglected teaching people how to conduct their lives in a God-honoring manner.
With the other woman being a new ager, there are some powerful forces at work. It is akin to breaking the spell of the ancient temple prostitutes who used sex as a way to ensnare their victims.
Yes, I struggle with hopelessness …not towards the Lord but in the case of man having free will …the continued connecting my husband insists he must do ..is difficult ..he does not regard the OW with any affection …actually he dispairs that he wasted so much on her and damaged us so much but he still feel a deep connection with the kids…it is a combintion of pride and his feel he has no chance with God …he will not receive any form of encouragment to begin with the Lord
I perceive that this is just another way to excuse really making any changes…Following the Lord has to start with the heart breaking over ones need …”Blessed are the poor in spirit …” a recognition of need….nd thena willingness to seek to find…
One thing that plays a part is that he does not want to have to surrender any of his own ways …He believes he can change enough to still be a ‘good guy’ or at least not a ‘dead beat dad’
The problem I see with this is that men who are afraid of being a dead beat dad cannot really fulfill being true father as that involves honor God by loving their wife ! The mother of the children ….
Men who are trying to fulfill fatherhood in these situations as my husband does is more like being a fairweather father …he is only around for fun and good times…He is not there to set the rules…train and discipline …disciple …not in our family either
I have noted that HAD he actually participated in our family life fully then he would never have agreed to have children by adultery! AND he probably would not have even been able to consider the painful effects upon all of us from adultery …
Selfish independent men are in danger of this because women are very agressive today …they have bought the lies of the pushing of having ‘success ‘ being linked to their sexuality ….among other things.
I grieve for my daughters as they have indicated how his proactive efforts to involve himself with the other kids hurts them ..He comes home to us but that is not the same as his making interruptions from work ..something he has never done to be with us or do things…but he does this so he can spend time with them at least three times a week ..during his work day ..
Yes he comes home to us …but he does not make any special effort to BE with and DO things with us ..
We are ‘homebase’ and it feels so ‘taken for granted ‘ ….why should he do anything special here …WE ARE ….HERE…..
Anyway he has no interest in learning to think of what he does and how it makes us all feel …he is his own god. He scoffs whenever we try to let him know how his decision hurts us …and he avoids the issues when it comes to our daughters feelings…They do not speak up because they have seen how he reacts when I try to discuss these things with him ….
I often think back to his parents both making the statement that ‘no one has any right to tell anyone else what to think about GOD” …..well ….I guess that includes Jesus Christ as well as the Bible…they all chose to encourage this sort of attitude…
Zaza,
Many ‘modern’ men do have problems. Those aspiring to be ‘cool’ or ‘with it’ and fit in to the modern image bring ruin to their families. The modern image of man does not provide a good foundation to build a family with.