One of the tasks facing you after an affair is that of ‘reclaiming your spouse’. In reclaiming them, you will need to learn how to cherish and love them as well. They need to know that you do care. They want to know that you value them and need them. We do not want a life without purpose. Part of our purpose is being needed. Your spouse needs to know that you really do need them. They need to hear it from you, rather than you merely implying that truth.
Reclaiming your spouse also involves caring for them. You may have said all the right things, but have you shown them? When your talk does not match your walk, they will learn not to trust you. Your walk and talk need to agree if you are serious about changing the marriage. In reclaiming them, you will also need to recognize that they have made some changes, as you have. You can not go back to the way it was before the affair. Acting like it never happened or denying its effects may give you a temporary peace, but that is not a strong enough foundation to build a marriage upon.
Reclaiming is an important part of restoration.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
Very good points. For me it is a teeter totter but day by day .
One of my difficulties is that my husband has not been fully transparent with the children of the adultery ..He simply told them that their mother and he” hurt a lot of people” rationalizing that they are too young to be told the whole truth .
I would agree with this except I also believe that just to say that he and she ‘hurt’ people does not go far enough to equip them with the kinds of things that they NEED in order to avoid the pitfall that they soon will be faceing as one has just become a ‘teenager’ and the other is complaining that they are the only ones they know whose father does not live with them …which may not be true but it shows that they find the ‘arrangement ‘ odd
They know he is married with a family but with all the confusion about marriage in todays liberal society and their mother acting as if she is entitled to support for herself as well as the children and does not work a full time job …they are getting a very skewed view of relationships.
Also I cannot help but think that they may become more resentful of his family as they get older and begin to realize what they are missing ..if they do not already .
The variable possiblities are concerning if not fightening . I also feel that just as our own children had to discover that the man they have known all their life is not the man he is …this has been very dramatic even s they are older and were raised in the word .
The difficulty is almost worse since they had viewed their father has highly principled.
I have tried to discuss this aspect of his actions with him upon their lives but he does not agree
I also do not think they can appreciate what he IS giving and doing with them as they do not have the whole truth about how he and their mother spent years with deliberate planning in lying , stealing and depriving his family while they orchestrated such selfish plans …and even what their assumptions have actually stolen from those children
I realize this seems like the perfect solution to ‘avoid hurting ‘ them …but that is exactly the reasoning that people use when they lie in their adulterous arrangements ‘what they don’t know won’t hurt them’
This kind of manipulating and altering other peoples reality …and for a very lengthy time is very damaging to ones ability to trust one’s own perception and judgment of someone they have trusted and loved .
I do not think lying for any reason is ‘love’ …eventually the truth is found out and people are hurt …even as during the lie they were being damaged
Just because those who commit sexual sin or infidelity do not observe or feel that they are damaging their spouses and families does not mean they aren’t
I suffered pain all through the time my husband was cheating and no specialist could find the source nor cause ..now I wonder if it was not a consequence that I suffered as a result of an open door to the spiritual wickedness as the pain utterly ceased upon discovery of the adultery…another KIND of pain was in it’s place but the physical ongoing pain totally disappeared ! Curious indeed.
If I had not experienced this I would not have stopped to consider it but I have read other accounts since then of people whose spouses were cheating and they did not know but were going through symptoms of various kinds.
I had YEARS of this painful sort of muscle spasms …on one side up and down my body ..I wonder if also the lack of affection and sexual attention also brought some of this kind of thing…..don’t know
I know that I am missing out on love , affection and any kind of physical touch ..as my husband has withdrawn from our bedroom and from treating me like a wife….I am just part of the crowd here …me and our daughters are each given a peck on the top of the head before bedtime and no more than that .
Time goes by …we just watched a show tonight where the woman was too busy to even give her mom a moment as she was asking for a minute to speak with her …as the show progressed …before this busy woman had given her mom a moment …she went in to wake her and she had passed away .
My husband hopes to die before me but there is no guarentee.of that …and he is wasting the little time that is left in my life where I have the health and energy and opportunity to maybe travel with him and do some things since he was not too interested to spend time with me when he was in adultery …even on our family vacations he kept his distance and kept himself liined up for activities for himself rather than be alone with me.,
I guess he felt like he would be ‘unfaithful’ to his mistress if he were to engage in any kind of one on one activity with me …it would have been an even lonelier life if I had not had our children but I longed for him to ‘make time ‘ for me …and he actually REFUSED outright …complaining that he WAS spending time ..but it was never anything just with me or even giving the impression that he wanted to spend time alone with me
Adultery ALTERS the mind…and destroys the conscience….He is sad now but seems to have found another way to deal with it …by focusing his attention upon his work ,,,again …and the children of the adultery ..
This is hurting all of us and it really is not that beneficial for the training of character in the children of adultery since he is not the one who sets limits …teaches values…except what they observe him as he lives his life….and that is limited to having a meal once or twice a week .
How society believes this should be ‘good enough ‘ boggles the mind …I think a good epitaph might be ‘here lies a man who did the least that he could do ‘ …a sad legacy when it comes to how one treats God . spouse and family
You can bet the true ‘love’ of his life …his co workers and his mistress will not care except if they are recipients of some money in the end! He has provided very VERY well in a life insurance policy that the OW OWNS …with the idea that will keep her and her children from coming after me and our children upon his passing .
Thoughtful huh…..I think it is a bit scary that he trusted this woman with this kind of ‘benefit’ should he happen to die…..remember the movie …’Fatal Attraction’? I did not see it but I remember that he saw it and was shaken by it ..said it was very scary ..and I THINK it was BEFORE he got into this adultery!
So much for heeding the warning !
Sigh.
Zaza,
Although I have not addressed the issue of physical pain issue associated with affairs, such symptoms do occur. You are not loosing your mind on that.
Your concern regarding the children of the affair are also sound. Respectability in the business world is not the same thing as morality or doing the right thing. The children will likely learn more from his actions than what he is ‘instructing’ them.