You may not be familiar with the story of Antaeus, yet could benefit from the lessons it contains. Legend records that he was a giant who forced all passers by to wrestle with him.
Unknown to his victims was the fact that as long as he remained in contact with the earth, he would win. He continued terrorizing the passers by until Hercules outwitted him and defeated him.
In a similar manner, as long as the cheater remains in contact with the lover, the odds are against you. Much like Antaeus assurance of winning by touching the earth, the lover’s assurance of winning is assured when the cheater staying in contact.
When they are in contact with the lover, they often tap into another source of strength. They are plugged into the lover’s energy and inspiration.
Two people together very often have more strength than one alone. When the cheater and lover form a team, it’s a powerful force.
In order to undue such situations, you will need to dis-connect your cheater from their lover. Only after being disconnected from the lover will you be able to make head way with them.
Like facing the giant Antaeus, you’re up against something much bigger than yourself. You will need to disconnect the lover before trying to defeat them. The emotional, sexual and psychological power supply needs to be cut off before you will be able to overcome the cheater.
The connection between the cheater and lover changes the relationship dynamics. It’s no longer just you and your spouse.
That connection is part of what in the therapy world is known as the ‘drama triangle’. When that connection is established, it leads to frequent game playing and high drama.
The cheater seldom comes to their senses when the connection remains intact. Hercules knew the importance of breaking that connection when he faced Antaeus.
In the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I address the drama triangle along with ways of severing that connection that’s working against you. If you feel like things are stacked against you, the added help you need is available in the workshop section on ‘relationship dynamics’.
Rather than feel like you’re losing the match against Antaeus, click the link and order the workshop today. It will give you an edge in the fight for your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
Amen! I know there are differing positions on this, but in my experience the AP has a lot of influence in the decisions the CSs make during the affair. Some BSs give no credence at all to the AP, choosing to place the full burden of the affair solely on the CS. I understand their reasoning behind this decision (i.e., the AP did not exchange vows with them), but I find that idea limiting and not useful for reconciliation. It takes two to have an affair. The cheating spouse can’t do it without cooperation from the the OP. To me, it boils down to accountability. If either of the affair partners held the other to a higher standard, held them accountable for their actions, then there would be far fewer affairs. I find very few BSs who agree with me on this, however. JMHO.
I agree with you Blue….it is one of my husband’s “mo’s ” I now recognize…he is a womanizer who plays innocent , passive so he can claim the women ‘come on to him ‘ and it seems he just ‘;can’t ‘ hurt their feelings….I think it goes both ways …He just ‘loves’ women and loves the game of being charming …and then sits back and the women approach him …flirt with him and offer various senarios to him …I watched this going on and identified it to him as what was hurting me in the earliest years and he scoffed at me . He is not stupid but I guess he thought I was or that he could manipulate me by accusing me of being jealous or simply imagining things
It turns out that he has had all kinds of female ‘friendships’ and in his business it is acceptable ,..and even assumed! So much for corporate culture …it is FOUL . I advise my daughters to be very wary of men who enjoy the corporate culture and do not concern themselves with GOD ‘s laws ..especially concerning personal holiness…and integrity .
I do not think there is anyone I have met in the 30 + years in my husband’s business…[finance ] that had the SPINE to stand for their marital integrity . The money is too attractive and they believe ‘smoozing’ is too important …but THEIR idea of ‘smoozing ‘ and sexual freedom seems to collide at some point.
I recently found out my husband has MANY female ‘friends ‘ that he refuses to tell me anything about …so it would appear that it is not just his masculine pride involved here …it is a bit more ..and each woman MAY believe that she has some kind of special relationship with my husband …it is a nightmare.
The most recent was when he had a medical procedure that I could not drive him and he told me he did not need me to ….then it seems he called a woman who he worked with over two years ago instead of someone he presently has at work…perferably a MAN …and he cannot agree this was going to be a problem for me !
He says he is not going to live this way ..having to inform me of his every move or to cut off his female friendships….
He is a very handsome, charming man, he knows who to solicit women as ‘friends ‘ and they eventually seem to feel they are someone he ‘needs’ and can confide in….I find his outward disregard for my feelings and even our daughters in his behavior really cruel and selfish….so I suppose what else is new huh …
I KNOW that there are some women who have NO Boundaries…even married ones…it is a terrible time to live in this world …I am concerned deeply about what kind of life my daughters will have …they are both marriageable but we subscribed to the very rare view of no random dating …as in homeschooling we found this sounded more intelligent than what is going on in the world today .
I am stressed again and again as I discover one new woman in his life after another …even if they are ‘just friends’ it is so hurtful ..especially after this long term adultery that resulted in children …His private life has been so damaging to all of us and he continues to believe he has a ‘right’ ..even as it has hurt us all ….
Keeping secrets in marriage is simply EVIL ….and the corporate culture is nothing more than a dating pool …for people with no particular concern for morals…..yes I am painting them all with the same brush ..not fair perhaps ..but what those who do NOT ‘indulge ‘ in they keep secrets of others …so as far as I am concerned they are all guilty….!
I believe it’s impossible for an affair to end if the cheating partners remain in contact each other. Their lust is driven by strong chemicals that I think creates an addictive rush. It can feel like a cocaine high especially in the early stages of the affair. Whether its an illegal drug, alcohol, legal drug, or brainmade drugs like dopamine or norepinephrine, it can be addictive. Leaving the user wanting more and more even though they know they shouldnt. If you put alcohol in front of an alcoholic, or the object of passion in front of the spouse, there will be trouble.
Stormy,
You are quite right. The more that researchers understand about brain chemistry, the more clearly they understand how event such as affairs are driven by chemicals, whether produced internally or externally. As long as the cheater stays connected to the chemical/stimulation/inspiration, there is little hope for the relationship. They will need to be disconnected. There are biochemical reasons they need to be disconnected. The lover for them is like a ‘fix’. As long as they are getting their fix, there is little chance of positive change happening. They often act like an addict needing their fix be it a sex addiction, love addiction or romance addiction. The chemical reactions are similar. Getting them unplugged is key to turning things around.
It is interesting study …on one site they discussed the brain ‘grooves’ or ‘trails ‘ these kinds of chemical ‘thoughts’ leave in the brain matter…I am not sure if this is documented anywhere ..but it at least gives some credence to the idea that even GOD has set forth in the Word about ‘renewing the mind’ with reading …hearing …and taking to heart His words….which HE says are spirit.
Acting upon thoughts that are sound …train the conscience…and thus change behavior …it is something used in 12 step programs probably because what works based upon God’s pattern …works.
Avoiding the OP is not an options for us …he had children with her….he is presently trying NOT to cross paths with her because since they had to break up because of discovery ..he has seen her more and more for what she is …yet I see HIM more and more in the light of someone who has little concern for curbing his charm
He says he does not even like her now ..and has seen her as manipulative
I think knowing what the word says about women being RESPONDERS ….brings up the point that men are very much responsible to watch the way they relate to women …They have a responsibility not to encourage them….to set boundaries that are clear and to avoid doing things , saying things, and sharing things with women who are not their wives which begin to cause responses in women ..Many women are hungry for kindness…..attention and appreciation ..men in management positions or bosses …must be careful …many women even married ones are feeling the neglect that is rampant in our culture….
A deep look into the eyes of a woman can stir ‘activity’ in her …I was reminded of this as one of the ways my husband struck a cord in me the first time we met …it was powerful …and recently one of the marriage therapy sites offered long lingering looks into the spouse’s eyes as a method to reconnect when sexual activity was running low.
Men who do such things or touch a woman casually do not realize …or maybe DO …that it sends a message…..and then the woman is ‘violated’ as even the LORD says a man should not do.
Back in the day at one time men would duel over a woman’s honor when a man had awakened her emotions …it was considered a violation of her virtue.
That is not something anyone is thinking about today …get the bottom line and have some fun while your at it …seems to be the name of the game …sadly
From what I read in the Word of GOD it is irresponsible and unloving to toy with women’s emotions …old fashioned idea that I did not hear growing up but NOW it really makes sense as I see my husband has lured many women into emotional crushes while he was ‘clueless’ of it …and eventually NOT so ‘clueless’!
I remember a boy in the 5th grade who was a masterful flirt…all the girls had crushes on him ..I think his father was on his fourth wife….interesting how that works …the son watched his father …and so …learned.
That was a young boy …immaturity seems to need attention and to weld some kind of power but it is not loving …too bad my husband got so many ‘rewards’ for such behavior …thanks to our ‘modern’ feminine ways …men seem to feel it is not their ‘fault’ when women throw themselves at them …GOD says they are STILL responsible to protect their wives..themselves and even the OW out there who are so clueless as to the damage and danger their flirtatious and sexually ‘free’ ways put them in danger ..physically and spiritually in todays world.
Just because someone agrees to sin …it does not keep it from being dangerous and deadly!No matter HOW many decide there is no such things as sin …it STILL KILLS!