When cheaters plunge headlong into their infidelity, some really do not see beyond what impacts them. This is similar to the phenomena of how your range of vision shrinks in proportion to how fast you are driving. In the case of cheaters, they are moving so fast they do not see everything. Mentally, they are moving quickly and in most cases are on auto-pilot. They are in a passive mode where they are executing programming that has been in their heart and head for a long time. The effect of this programming is that they have what amounts to mental blinders keeping from seeing how their actions impact others.
So, how do you deal with these blinders? The place to start is to engage their mind. Get them to have to think rather than be on auto-pilot. Once you have their mind engaged, you will have to keep it engaged. Once their mind is engaged, then you have the choice of either attempting to engage them about the affair or take steps to slow down their thinking. Their minds are often in ‘high gear’ and seeking stimulation (I’ll talk more about that later). While their minds are wound up, they do not ‘see’ beyond their own gratification. The do not see the consequences to their action. The blinders keep them from seeing any kind of secondary effects of their actions. Since they are in a ‘reactionary’ mode, they are not processing information in terms of cause and effect. They only ‘react’.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
This is an interesting observation and it brings up what the Bible talks about in terms of our need to ‘count the cost” and to ‘order our steps’ and ‘guard our hearts’ …all of which God wants to equip us with HIS point of view which is the truth about everything …not just the content of activities and thoughts but the future impact of them
The Bible says that a man who ‘goes into ‘ a woman not his wife is unwise and knows not that he is destroying his own life,…..this is expressed in many ways throughout the Bible but very frequently in Proverbs which is that portion of the Bible said to be the most concentrated on wisdom …especially for youth …but indeed a foundational exhortation for us to heed the wisdom of being teachable and turned toward learning what is wise BEFORE we start living life randomly reacting to all that comes up from within [ urges , appetites and desires] and without [ offerings , temptations and opportunities]
Without preparations ….or as they say ..” those that fail to plan , plan to fail” …..many cliches that actually have a lot of merit…the seven “p’s ” for example…”Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pretty Poor Production”! And , what I believe is a good endorsement for study of the OT ….”those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it ”
Many people find reading the Bible confusing and ‘too difificult’ …they seek a ‘newer version’ written in today’s language. The thing is that the scriptures are self defining and self revealing …in other words they will explain themselves within those who have the attitude of ‘a little child’ not in understanding but in expectation and trust that they CAN be understood …and will be eventually as one is faithful to allow the word to “live within’
I asked the Lord once HOW HE defines love…because as I read the first commandment I thought about it and I began to realize that I thought I was loving Him with ALL my heart…all my soul and all my mind …but in consideration of what I thought about …just the mind …I realized that there were still many areas of my life that were NOT ‘all about God ‘ and considering what HE thought about them.
He directed me to learn about what HIS definition of ‘love’ is ….”If you LOVE ME ….keep my commandment’
I was in distress….I thought …I am in trouble …I do not think I actually do all of the commandments…..and HE brought up this ithought one cannot KEEP what one does not KNOW” ….He wants us to have His word …thoughts….commandments …IN mind …’To ‘keep’ his commandments ‘ allows us to HAVE His word IN our thinking and thus it will encourage us and strengthen us to act accordingly …It will reveal HIMSELF as we grow in knowledge and then doing what He has said will give us the experience that HE is indeed going to sustain and do all that He has said.
Many THINK they are loving GOD ..but much of that kind of thing is based upon what SOMEONE else has shared. ..or they have a ‘romantic’ notion of God .
God wants us to KNOW HIM …to have a personal growing relationship with HIm….
One of the most important things about how my husband ‘cut himself loose ‘ from the ‘tether’ of being led by truth was his distinct rejection of the ‘routine’ of going into the Word and sitting with the Lord ..which eventually caused him not to CARE about what GOD said about all things .
This disconnect also occurred with me in our relationship.
People who reject the commandments of GOD feel guilty and condemned …NO one has to condemn them …it is an INNER testimony from their conscience where in they KNOW they are doing damage to their commitments to GOD and others .
Living by sinful choices always wears away the inner man first …and it begins to ‘bring forth the fruit’ of UN righteousness . It causes the distancing from those who love the Lord and are endeavoring to be faithful to His desires for them in life.
Those who prefer the pleasantries of sinful choices seek more and more company …..being around those who love the Lord enough to follow Him in truth ‘convicts them of sin’ and they don’t want to stop their choices because it may make them feel ‘popular’ ..
Being popular among those with low quality of conscience is no contest for being right with the Lord yet the deception goes on as they fear exposure of sin ….fear rejection of those they admire or want to be accepted by MORE than they are concerned about the consquences of rejecting the Lord who bought them .
They reject authority which is righteous and good for them and turn to the fallen but ‘shiny’ offerings of people who seem to be on ‘top’ ….for a while
Being acceptable to others is a strong desire for people ….it starts from birth ..It is not unacceptable or wrong to want to have the admiration of others. ..but the most important foundational acceptance should be our desire to please GOD
Because those who derive their self image from others becomes their primary source of affirmation they will do almost ANYTHING to gain that feel good’ acceptance…Including rejecting whatever that group rejects. The need to ‘belong’ is strong.
Jesus told us that if we follow HIM in TRUTH we will experience rejection from the WORLD …HE tells us that if we do not adjust what we have affection for ….turning from concern about THIS world to becoming equipped with wisdom which is pleasing to GOD and will help us navigate through many snares offered in this world …we will become ‘slaves’ of whatever is most important in our minds to us .
The Bible holds wisdom for making decisions that are based upon not just long term quality of life here but also building a lifelong legacy that starts the moment we make the decision to make Jesus our LORD rather than our own appetites , desires and opinions of the ‘many’ who are on the broad way that leads to heartache and destruction of life not only here and now but eternally.
Thinking ahead ….or what the Bible calls ‘prudence’ is of great value and it is a ‘fruit’ of meekness toward the wisdom of GOD …being ‘teachable’ and having a community of wise counselors who have lives ‘tried’ in the fires of adversity and proven the word of GOD to be the best guide through all kinds of situations and decisions is most useful to living a life without regret.
What is odd but sadly true is that once pride takes root in a person’s heart…..not even seeing the life long comparison of one persons living day by day making effort to learn what God says and then to apply it ….can compel them to make changes in attitude toward this process .
My husband admits to me that my lifelong effort to make decisions based upon my growing knowledge and concern for God’s ways …has been preferable to his decision to ignore and reject wisdom …to DECIDE to live his life by way of his urges and the influence of people who were far less wise or honorable and deserving of his time , attention and mimicry.
He is a proud man who cannot be told anything …and now I see that his upbringing was formed around the idea that his works toward pleasing and helping others was the template for his decision making.
In his desire to be accepted and thought of as a ‘great guy’ he was carried away to keep up an image of himSELF as the icon of all ‘good’ …but that leads to deception …It leads to justifications for activities that make OTHERS feel good at the expense of his relationship with the Lord and the needs of his marital vows and his wife and children …all of whom SHOULD have been the concern of his life rather than random demands and offerings of others
The enemy of our souls does not care about anything other than getting us to feel OUR lives are crucially important to the needs of others…it is the practice of man in his carnal state to try to fulfill the second commandment of GOD in his flesh rather than obey the FIRST and FOUNDATIONAL commandment of GOD …
Without loving God and learning HOW GOD defines this devotion to HIMSELF …man will create a domain where HE is the focus of all that he does or ‘gives’ to others…His DOING for others becomes what defines ‘love’ for him….But it is based upon his feelings about what he is doing …based upon the responses of others to him
This kind of love is weak in terms of giving what GOD has commanded his followers to do …to ‘speak the truth in love’ …it is NOT love to simply give people whatever they want or think they need to be ‘happy’./
Jesus spoke truth from the heart of GOD to people …often they did not like what he said because it shined the light on some of their favorite doctrines and practices…they HATED HIM …while insisting that they were ‘loving ‘ ….
Jesus told us and demonstrated time and again the COST of following HIM and making HIM LORD over our thoughts , choices and behaviors…and he warned us that this would indeed often COST us those closest to us if they too did not receive the word with meekness and a heart prepared to be ‘circumcised’ of all that the world had convinced them was important and vital to their life.
1Jo 2:15 Love not the world, neither the things [that are] in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him
The ‘love of the Father’ …is the ‘fear of GOD” …to CARE about what GOD wants which when we gain His understanding we begin to see that to really LOVE GOD we need to OBEY HIM …and HE told us to live according to HIS thoughts and ways …
Once we begin to do and understand this ..we begin to see the things within [beams] that have hindered us …and once we see them from His word shining upon those areas of our own lives we are thus equipped to recognize those same hindrances in others.
We may offer to share this with those we meet but ultimately people will not hear or receive this information IF they are not turned toward the Lord and realize the wisdom that comes from HIM …the desire to learn what they might that would help them live life without becoming deceived more and more by lies and perversions that abound …even in the name of the Lord !
None of this is NEW information …but the state of mind of a person held captive by sin is not able to see the value of it …unless they are willing to become meek …teachable…to consider that what is said may be useful to escape the prison of their choices.
Some dwell in these prisons so long they have ‘furnished’ their ‘cells’ with elaborate excuses and ‘comfortable’ shackles….They fear changes …don’t we all have a concern when CHANGE comes about that we have not seen coming..
Some changes we KNOW are ahead..such as the ‘expiration’ of the body ….some live in denial …rejecting the idea of eternity ..they find more and more comfortable ‘drugs’ to avoid having to think about what they believe ” no one can know’ yet they have not even TRIED to investigate this most important destination of all men
It boggles my mind that some reject the wisdom to seek to know about such universal aspects of our human condition
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So PRUDENCE is something acquired from investing time in seeking to learn about GOD and all that he has provided for his created man who is IN HIS IMAGE and is supposed to care about such things
Sin has blinded the eyes of those who have not been made aware of a solid standard of right and wrong to respect the GOD who made all things…to seek to know what WE are able to do in terms of living life rightly and in a pleasing way toward that Creator …a Life that does not just seek to please self and others on a superficial level ,..but to know that what we do will be less likely to trespass on another person’s life.
When the OW made her effort to usurp MY LIFE and to steal what relationship was MY expectation it was the condition of my husband’s heart [attitude] that allowed HER to do so …and SHE allowed my husband to trespass all over the life SHE was supposed to have
BOTH of them made a DECISIVE PLAN to have children without concern for the life these two children were going to have ….They DID THINK about having them and planned to do so ..not thinking about what such a decision meant to the children …or me and OUR children .
The contrast of just the lives of OUR children and those of the adultery is startling in terms of quality of life and the developing of worldview and character.
Those children are not being directed toward godly skills in making choices…The way their mother’s ‘belief’ system has effected them in every category ..physical and emotional health …desires for their lives….in terms of activities , interests and USES of other people is in stark contrast to the way our children were raised as well as I could learn to do …to love GOD , respect the Word and care about HOW their own choices effected all aspects of life.
My husband is STILL living his life by his OWN desires …making his choices by his own feelings ….and he is more and more reconstructing a life independent and distant from all of the ways GOD tells a husband or a child of HIS to follow HIM into moving toward relationship with those he vowed to long ago.
He is at square ONE again and STILL insisting he WILL NOT seek to make choices by the commands of GOD or by all the priorities GOD has set for us which have been proven over time and in the lives of those right in front of him to be profitable
HE won’t even consider changes in his own thinking which would benefit his impact upon those children of the OW …HE has a fatalistic attitude.
No amount of evidence or sorrow and regret on his part seems to motivate him to seek HOW to make a different direction in his life toward fulfilling HIS vows …yet he does not want to leave …
He refuses to allow the word of GOD to ‘speak’ to him about what he KNOWS he has need to know …
It is quite curious…but indeed many who walked with Jesus SAW his life and STILL were not willing to follow after HIM …the ‘demands’ of the WALK are too difficult …but that is a lying perspective that seems to cross our minds at the beginning
I think this is more and more the case as we have a society that lives for INSTANT everything …
Growing up SPIRITUALLY is not something people want to wait upon .
Thus many get involved in some of the ‘ministries’ that abound in HIS name that offer the ‘one , two , three’ of how to have an ‘abundant life’ or GET ‘power from “god’ which is NOT OF God ..but is destructive acceptance of powers Jesus WARNED us of ..
Instant ‘Christian’ is something that has crept into the thinking of man …some of which has come by way of MEDIA …demonstrating ‘signs and wonders’ that people ‘crave’ just like Simon the magician ….who was rebuked for seeking after POWER …without realizing the greatest POWER we need is to overcome these fleshly perspectives…this power comes from exchanging our carnal minds over time by study and receiving of God’s word which JESUS told us was HIS SPIRIT…the WORD of God’s is the ‘delivery method’ of the spirit of GOD
Many places in the OT demonstrate that the “location’ of the spirit of GOD was to be the MIND …as they used to ‘anoint’ the HEAD with OIL which was the similitude for the spirit of GOD .
The WORD is that SPIRIT which was intended to ABIDE in our minds and thus ‘guide ‘ us into the way that we should GO
It is clearly demonstrated in history and in daily life ….’as a man thinketh in his heart …so IS he ‘what we sow in our thinking is going to move us to action ..when we care about what it is .
The world sows thoughts and attitudes relentlessly into passive minds daily …hourly….moment to moment….BUT our escape from this conditioning is NOT an ‘escape from reality ‘ but an escape TO truth ….LIFE …which Jesus told us ….’my words are spirit and my words are LIFE” and since none of those words …not a jot nor tiltle shall pass away but endure throughout eternity …THOSE words of GOD will endure within those that KEEP them ….and act upon them for they are LIFE …ETERNAL
Making up your life now by the LIFE which never passes away is the best choice one can make…and it is made one thought at a time ….one day at a time
Man does not LIVE by bread alone ..BUT BY …every WORD that comes out of the mouth of GOD’
God breathed
Eternal words which LIVE in those who know them and live BY them.
His word does not really LIVE for us until we LIVE BY them.