“But the kids will never find out!”

You may have heard the cheater tell you, “But the kids will never find out!” as part of their defending the affair. They may believe that the affair is not impacting their children in a negative manner since in their mind, they are still being a good mother or father. Somehow they assume that because they are continuing to fulfill parental responsibilities that it will negate any consequence of the affair. The reality is that they are shaping their child in ways they never imagined. The psychoanalyst, Harry Stack Sullivan said, “Parental character is the medium in which the child’s personality is structured”. What this means is that the cheater’s character is shaping your children, whether it be in terms of justifying lying, hiding things from people you love, emotional unavailability, value judgements, where you go to feel good about yourself and morals. The actions of the cheater show the child through actions, what the priorities in life should be. Just the level of anxiety within the home structures their mental and emotional life. Without saying a word, the child knows whether home is a safe place or not. They know whether family comes first or self-satisfaction comes first. Whether as a parent, when you say you love someone that it is a commitment or whether you just say the words so that you can get close to them without any kind of commitment.

What you and the cheater do impacts your children. Even without saying a word about the affair, the change in the home environment and the emotional state of both parents impacts your child in a long-term manner. Long after the affair is over, the effect of what happened will continue playing out in the child’s life in terms of their anxiety levels, morals, emotional adjustment, values, and how they relate to the opposite sex. Like the damage done by termites, you may assume that because you do not see the damage that none exists.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah