The challenge of confronting a narcissist about their affair

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Those of you who live with narcissists are familiar with the challenges of confronting them. Sure, it is easy to complain, bring something to their attention or tell them what they are doing is wrong, yet getting them to listen and accept what you said is tough. They often take confrontations personally. Since narcissists get so wrapped up with their lovers, anything you say about the lover will be taken as a personal attack on them. When they feel attacked on a personal level, they attack back on a personal level. The narcissists have a way with words where they leave you feeling wounded after any attempt to confront them. They can turn a simple confrontation into a major blow-up. Part of the reason for that is how they are so connected with the lover. In their mind, they and the lover are one. You may even hear them use terms like ‘we’ and ‘us’ when discussing the lover. The use of such terms is a clear indicator of the bonding that has taken place. Since a threefold cord is not quickly broken (Eccl. 4:12b), the narcissist find strength in their bonding with the lover, even if it is only in their own minds. They draw strength from that bonding. They believe that they are a team, united in opposition to you.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Nothing in this Work is intended to replace common sense, legal, medical or other professional advice. If your situation warrants it, please seek competent professional counsel.


  1. ZAZA says

    That could explain why my husband has been feeling so worthless no matter what his experience around here has been. He has finally admitted what kind of person the OW is so if he associated himself with being ONE with her …and she is pretty much a person without boundaries or true concern for what she does in terms of effecting other peoples lives…then he has had to realize he too is this kind of person …which he has said on more than one occasion.

    He often states she is a very bad person in that he sees how her actions display her true character ..This mostly comes from his observing and trying to deal with the lack in the lives of the children she kept nagging him to ‘give her’

    She does not stay at home to care for them and has not worked ‘so she could be a stay at home mother and they would not become ‘latch key’ kids’

    This was only a ploy to get money from ‘him’….in truth OUR FAMILY.

    She has been well provided for and has left them alone from a young age …something he did not learn until he began to reconnect and the children were old enough to let slip this information. Since then he made it known to her that he was keeping his eye on her treatment of them . This did not stop her from leaving them along ..particularly disturbing since the youngest was only 6 or 7 at the time this was going on [my husband was not able to learn of this til later on since D DAY interrupted his time with them for about two years]

    This is particularly disturbing since she would leave the youngest alone while taking the older along with her ..the youngest was the one with epilepsy!

    I have had to allow things to unfold since my husband has maintained his stubborn refusal to receive any input. From time to time I will see a possible ‘opening ‘ in his attitude but that usually comes about when there has been a crisis and he does not know what to do …Still he rarely listens to anything that I may offer.

    I raised three children and have taught in various forms of school which led me to feel more strongly about learning whatever I could to offer our children better equipping in dealing with the various challenges we face in navigating our lives …our minds, our emotions and our choices. This was a full time effort that paid off greatly

    I think he and his OW observed the great results and since neither were invested in learning how much effort and time and willingness to learn is involved in training up children they only saw the great results of applying the things the word of GOD had worked into our lives and through what other homeschool parents had found in the word to teach them how to do this training.

    They only saw from the outside and considered having children no big deal . The lack of respect for parenting as GOD tells us will bring forth good fruit was totally lacking. They held no respect for marriage or the truth that children are PEOPLE and just decided they wanted to have some! Like people who go out and get a dog because they want one without thinking about all that is involved with owning a pet!

    So the ‘fruit’ of their decision to ignore all proper boundaries is coming up. No matter what wisdom I might want to share …it is like anything else ..until someone actually is willing to invest the time and energy to learn for themselves ….there seems to be little transfer of that info into their own practice.

    My husband has a LOT of pride in his intellect and what he does not know he feels he does not need anyone to tell him until he PAYS someone for the information a lawyer …but even then he does not take that info and put it into action very often …unless it is beneficial to himself.

    Now he is worried about the children of the OW but did not heed the advice to learn about HOW he could effect them in the most effective way …I give him kudos for his effort but they have been grown up with their mother as their most significant ‘teacher’ and her character and actions are pretty much what you would expect from someone who distains the boundaries of marriage , sexual fidelity and sound moral judgment.

    Sadly if they are going to learn solid principles of godly moral substance they are going to struggle…The school they attend also does little good in offering a godly foundation.

    Some people abhor anything referred to as ‘godly’ due to many examples of what is THOUGHT to be ‘christian” being set before them and the wide spread hype regarding those who are moral failures among those also identified as proclaiming their love of ‘god’

    Failure is not unexpected…but people expect a higher standard than they themselves are willing to apply to their own lives…they like to identify ‘hypocrits ‘ as if that alone is reason and excuse for their own moral choices that fall short.

    My husband tried this by siting the moral failures of some who taught the Bible…to which I say we ALL have to give an account for our OWN response or rejection of what we have been called upon to do ..>”SEEK FIRST the kingdom of GOD and HIS righteousness’ .

    We are not going to be judged by what OTHERS DO ..even those who CLAIM to follow the LORD …but by OUR response to the questions we all come to have eventually in life if we are honest…”Why am I here’ and ‘Who made all of this ?”

    Social engineers have pretty much trained this quest out earlier and earlier in many as generations have been taught in doctrines that deny there is a god and have given the ’cause’ as evolution. The great testimony to the wisdom and power of GOD is that not all people buy that ….I wonder why !

    God has left a ‘testimony’ within the heart of man …conscience and creation …both testify to His existence and man is accountable to seek after to find Him and learn to know Him by way of HIS testimony.

    A long or short journey to find Him will not be unconsidered . TO not seek is something we must answer for .

    To judge God by the behavior and actions of people who claim Him or even those who do authentically seek to learn and obey Him is a falacy that will not stand.

    Many who walked with Jesus Christ who ‘always ‘ did the will of His Father STILL did not believe and follow Him …They chose instead to love this world and the things OF this world and to seek the approval and affection of men rather than GOD

    This kind of arrogance is not rewarded well ..’successes’ may occur …for a season …but nothing changes the root until their is repentance and then a concerted effort toward the resulting conversion and submission to the process of regeneration which is the process of the circumcised heart. A changing of the world view from carnal to spiritual according to He who is spirit….and holy …and eternal

    The word of GOD is eternal …enduring through and remaining in all those who enter into it and remain in it by way of obedience because of love for GOD.

    I love my husband and I even love those who he has sinned against us with …I do not like what they do …but I pray that those who are continuing along will meet up with Truth and respond before too long. A life lived devoid of honor, fidelity and truth soon implodes and it is sorrowful.

    Better to have lived in ongoing effort to live according to the ways of the Lord than to live grasping after things that please our flesh and have a legacy of regret and pain …not just IN our own lives but in knowing we have harmed others without thought of them.

    This is what I see my husband grappling with …HE now cannot accept forgiveness nor forgive himself .

    He cannot believe what he would not believe though he has had it since before we married. He has refused all of what he had and rejected before and now he refuses it because he does not believe it is possible for his life to have any good effects ….

    I remind him that he DOES have the ability but his pride continues to support his reasoning. He still feels he MUST make efforts to help the children of the OW but rejects all aspects of what would truly enable that to be most enduring . I continue to encourage him in areas that are praise worthy but it is difficult since all he does also continues to violate his relationship and responsibilities to me and our family.

    Only a true relationship with the Lord would untangle this for him . I continue to learn and grow and have had to realize whatever I may have learned and demonstrate in my own submitting and change will not effect him ….it never has as far as I can tell.

    I am not in the practice of ENTANGLING myself in other people’s lives despite the fact that I offer what I myself have been taught and corrected in my thinking and life by way of this lifelong pursuit of truth. This may surprise people who read my sharing …

    I share and now realize that nothing I offer is of worth to those who do not feel compelled to seek out whatever they read or hear for themselves….

    I cannot eat someone else meal for them …all must eat and digest themselves

    I have found much that others offer useful and helpful mostly because I have ‘tried it” either by application or by researching out what is truth as I study more and more of the Word of GOD

    it is interesting how much that has been taught from pulpits has been in need of reevaluation as I have walked along …adjustments and changes in not only understanding but application have been most useful

    In the long run I have NO ONE to ‘blame’ for the resulting faith and practice for I myself am responsible for how I HEAR and what I hear and accept …It is a growing thing.

    The early foundations of childhood experience within the family of origin and peer group experiences is a very strong influence upon the adult relational skills and perspective. YET we are called upon as we reach adulthood to take responsibility to LEARN to discern between what is true and what is not …to then be transformed from areas of our thinking that are ERROR to make of our time and life something more sound than what we have heard or been taught by others.

    Not taking this responsibility to learn WHY we have ‘always ‘ thought the way we do may not bring about some traumatic wake up call but sooner or later I would think we should consider how we can make better choices to effect our CHILDREN in a better way and thus help THEM avoid our past poor decisions.

    I feel that learning more and more from what the Bible has revealed about all of the other resources for learning in my life both intellectual , relational, and experiential has proved to have the most powerful effectiveness in all areas of living life with less and less damage to my own life and that of others.

    Knowledge is NOT the end all be all of knowing truth …but application brings about the ‘peaceable fruit of
    righteousness ‘ that is what GOD offers to us . Jesus Christ offered me something not other has …and that is for each person to investigate why those who have been honest about seeking to know HIM have come to the place of being willing to stand forth and say so.

    Despite the cost which in most cases is quite surprising but well worth it in the long run.

    Understanding however does not seem to be ‘transferable’ but is the outcome of personal interaction and application as the ‘take away’ from being willing to seek to know HIM as HE reveals Himself in scripture throughout…not just cherry picking scriptures as man is often prone to do …the process of continuing beyond that will shake it out.

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