Selfishness and Narcissism in Affairs

Those of you dealing with a cheater who is extremely selfish and those of you dealing with a cheater who is Narcissistic share a lot in common. Selfishness and Narcissism are both sides of the same coin.

The Narcissist label gives their selfishness a clinical sound, but it all boils down to selfishness. So when you are up against a Narcissist having an affair, what can you expect?

First, you need to accept that they have trouble having healthy relationships. Their relationship with you wasn’t healthy and their relationship with the lover is unhealthy.

If you assume that the one with you is unhealthy and the affair is wonderful, you assume wrong. They don’t get healthier as they jump from relationship to relationship.

They carry the same patterns of taking rather than giving to all their relationships. You also have to accept that at their core, the narcissist has self-hatred.

That self-hatred is where all their destructiveness comes from. They attack or destroy anything or anyone who exposes them and reminds them of their vulnerability.

That destructive tendency makes it hard for you or anyone else to get close to them. The closer you get, the more vulnerable they are and the more destructive they will be toward you.That means that you are not going crazy.

The Narcissist really does get more destructive the closer you get to them. That also means that you’ll have to overcome your own discouragement as you work on your relationship.

They’ll throw up roadblocks designed to frustrate you.Those roadblocks are designed for keeping you from the real person inside.

Those roadblocks are about protecting themselves from the threat of vulnerability.

If you are looking for ways of understanding the mindset of such cheaters, the ebook, “Why He Cheats” guides you in understanding the inner workings and fantasies behind such behavior.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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14 Responses

  1. There is a saying that I think bares some thoughtful consideration.

    “The devil cries out while he is kicking you’

    Whether one believes in the devil or demons or not …there is evidence that when a person is hiding something or perhaps is controlled by a ‘habit’ they seek to protect is …the habit has been their ‘comforter’ of sorts…it may even be an intolerable habit to themselves as you have pointed out ..they are willing to punish themselves BEFORE anyone else can ….it is indeed a sick sort of isolated existence.

    There is no comfort in sinful behavior be it an indulgence by willing choice or partaker through a deception that has involved someone through coercion. Either way Jesus came to deliver.

    Those who are caught up in their self hatred are deceived and fear the process of SEEING what they are in ….they feel hopeless and helpless…what is working so hard to justify or hide their very real condition makes them feel they have not other choice.

    Reaching someone like this seems impossible…well …perhaps is it …”with man’

    So what alternative is there ?

    The scriptures that refer to what is POSSIBLE with GOD are mostly in reference to ‘entering into the Kingdom’ since it requires surrender and ‘loss’ of this life in terms of serving the FLESH.

    The power of the Lord is found in obeying His words…unto righteousness….a changed or transformed life.

    If one can hear …and receive the instruction from the Word …one can choose to act upon those things…to believe UNTO righteousness….believing a VERB ….so a person who can hear , understand and is willing to follow Him CAN be delivered ….it is possible with GOD as a person responds to Him.

    Rom 10:10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness;

    and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

    “UNTO”

    We all know we can say with our mouth …but more is a justifiable demand made by the Lord that we also DO what HE says .

    Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?

    The narcissist is bound or may seem so but we are called upon to follow the Lord and learn what OUR part is and in that if we do not know what else we can do we may petition Him for His will to be done …I believe that though my husband is called upon to exercise his free will …but having chosen or being deceived we also may pray for their soul to be delivered …and for the Lord to glorify Himself in all of this situation.

    The Lord has made salvation available to WHOMSOEVER …He was ‘lifted up ‘ and thus as He said

    John 12:32 And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all [men] unto me.

    Being that he HAS been lifted up…in crucifixion…..ALL men have been ‘drawn unto’ Him…but what they do THEN is still up to their making the choice to follow Him

    Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, IF ANY [man] WILL COME AFTER me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

  2. DrJeff,
    Wonderful!!! Thank you so much for these posts on affairs & narcissists!

    As I mentioned in one of my earlier comments, it has been my discovery that the vast majority of those that have repeat affairs have a form of NPD or an even worse disorder. Those that subcumb in a moment of weakness to a single incident of adultery are definitely not N’s; they are human. (Still not OK to cheat!)

    Therefore, any of your readers that had not yet come to realize they were dealing with a spouse with a personality disorder will have some crucial ‘missing pieces’!

    For me, once I realized my husband had a personality disorder, it became so much easier to ‘sort this from that’. In other words, like you said in this post, no, I was not going crazy or imagining things or making things up, Neither was I exaggerating. Nor was I ‘driving him to it’, not a ‘disrespectful wife’ or any of the other failings he charged me with.

    Additionally, I finally could understand why the suggestions from counselors to ‘just talk to your husband’ was getting such horrific reactions from him! I kept thinking I just did not know how to speak respectfully. Then, I learned this fact that DrJeff mentioned–the more you try to resolve or get close, the more volatile they get. Once again, it was not a failing on my part that was preventing communication. It still is hard for the counselors to comprehend this when I explain it to them. They just keep telling me, ‘well, talk it over with your husband’ or ‘you need to work on your communication skills’! Oh well…..

    So, hopefully any of the innocent spouses that have been beating themselves up, believing all the ‘demonic alien spew’ coming from the guilty mate’s mouth, listen to DrJeff! If you are dealing with a disordered persona, it’s a whole different ‘game’. Learning this will help you to stop playing by their rules, stop playing games and will open the way for you to heal & find a way out of the insanity!

    There is a lot of fine information on NPD & other disorders on the internet, in libraries & in book stores. Careful, though, as a certain person with the initials S.V. posts a lot of worthless, damaging and down right dangerous info on personality disorders! Stay away from any of his writings. Instead, look for the high quality info. (I am not going to list any of them unless I have permission from DrJeff)

    Once again, many thanks to you, DrJeff & your lovely wife Peggy

    Love to all……….

  3. Sherri…thanks….They say thee is really no cure for narcissists. I believe my wife has love/sex addiction.. Actually,, I know she does… I need some intervention … She tries to make all of the time we spend together alone or as a family wonderful.and so do I… so every day is great. But she sneaks out of work EVERYDAY and meets her lover. Comes haome love..kisses..sex…family … totally normal. But will deny.complain obsess if I ask or demand any discussion on the topic of her relations…even when I have hard evidence (which happens every week)… Absolutely no remorse, and she denies everyday and says it’s over…why am I obsessing and why am I ruining a good time. The times we did discuss, she said that she needed to do it and that she thinks it WAS something she needed…even though it continues … I’m a doormat …

  4. Dear itsbeen so long,

    Wow, your situation is about 180 degress from how my spouse acts while he is in full affair mode! Wow…you are dealing with some tough stuff……Talk about ‘crazy-making’!

    For me, no sex, no touch, no peace, no family time at all / raging. Horrible, as it was during his last big affair that our only child graduated, dated, got engaged, got married. So, what should have been a joyous time for family togetherness was totally trashed / stolen. ‘She’ even showed up at the wedding!

    I do not think it is merely a gender difference, as my brother’s narcissistic ex-wife made life a living hell for him, just like my husband does.

    I do not know if the ‘peace’, as well as physical interaction, makes your situation more tolerable or not. Perhaps, if you still have little ones at home, doing your best to keep the peace, while not condoning or approving of your wife’s behavior, will help them remain more emotionally stable through this.

    I really do hope you find some assistance, as this is still no way to live!!! Especially since she shows no remorse……

    What this seems to harkens back to, from what l’ve read and learned, is that your wife was likely horribly abused in some way as a child. No love in her life as a child…….so sad it happens so often…..

    And, remember, most narcissists really do not want you to leave. They still have a deep seated need for us to stay around. Just how much can we bear, though? For each of us to decide……..

    I do not have any fancy words for you…….just fellow feelings & love to you……

  5. Interesting comments here ….so sad to hear how cruel some people can be while being so charming and social with those who are on the outside…You have my deepest sympathy!~

  6. No one would believe what I am going through .. she is somewhat loving.. we hold hands. Lay in each others arms and watch tv with the kids. Sleep “spooning ” every night. Hold hands during outings and while driving. Say “I love you and kiss before leaving for work. Then as soon as she gets far enough away from the house she texts him and the meet or spend some time together. EVERYDAY. Then she comes home. We talk about our day. I usually have caught them. She denies it …even if I see them in person!!!!…

    Then she gets upset because I’m ruining our time together…

    We are upper class white collar… normal as can be…. I’m so discouraged….

    Thanks for the support ..

  7. @its been so long
    Sounds like she has no idea what kind of pain she puts you through. I may be wrong, but I think if it were me I might consider preparing for a divorce, document her infidelities thoroughly, and then lead her to believe youve had an affair yourself. See if she can “feel” that.

  8. Dear Stormy, May I?

    No, his wife will never ‘feel’ that………You mentioned that perhaps ‘itsbeen so long’ should deceive his wife into believing he has lowered himself to her level—-hmmm, no, not the way to go. Remaining morally faithful because of love for our Creator’s requirements is far more attractive and life-sustaining. Any and all deception just puts us on the same level of the cheater.

    It is commonly believed that either having a ‘revenge affair’ or making the other spouse believe such has happened will wake the other up and attract them back. Not so! Also, it will not cause them to ‘start feeling’, as N’s are incapable of feelings.

    So, Stormy, you are not alone in suggesting this as the way to go. A few in my circle of acquaintances suggested similar things at the beginning of my insanity; once I shared this ‘take’ on it, they could see the wisdom in remaining truly honest & chaste, no matter what!

    However, documenting and perhaps considering a divorce is certainly something l hope he will seriously consider. Filing for divorce does very often wake the cheater up; I’ve seen it happen with someone close to me. They did not remain married, but at least the cheater woke up and is getting their life together, pursuing a more Godly way of living.

    Everyone, thanks for sharing your thoughts & input! We need each other………
    Love to all………

  9. I wouldnt suggest staying married to a spouse that I felt deserved to “feel” my pain. That’s why I suggested prepping for divorce first. As for taking the high road, even God has historically condemned sinners with painful lessons.
    I’m sorry for anyone married to a narcissist. In my opinion, it’s a deal breaker. I know I would rather live alone than live with someone that doesn’t respect me.

  10. Stormy,

    Thanks for your response! Thanks for helping me see just what you were getting at / coming from.

    Agree with you 100%!

    More later
    Love to all……..

  11. An added thought …if you plan divorce …a revenge adultery can backfire…not to mention …sinking to the level of those who have no LORD but their flesh and the world ….Higher moral ground is always a better ‘seed’ planted

    Chin up ….your situation is ugly and soon she will be reaping and weeping …it may take time but sooner or later……

    Consequences are WITHIN sin ….in order to turn people to seek the solution in the Lord ….

  12. Dear itsbeen,

    Wow!!! Am l proud of you! l hate the thought of divorce as much as any of you here. But, sometimes it must be done!

    Keep the right things in your mind, however—–to be the best servant of our Creator. That will help keep you focused on why you are going through with this.

    Perhaps it will ‘yank her into reality’. l hope so….

    Love to all……..

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