Navigating Through the Fog

Having lived in an area prone to fog, I am aware of how disorienting it can be. Many times when going through it, there is a surreal feeling you experience. It is as if you are in another world and another time. In a similar manner, when cheaters are living in their mental fog, their minds are in another world and another time. They are literally living in a la-la land. They are caught up in a euphoric state and do not want to be bothered with the hassles of reality. They are wanting to stay in a passive state of mental activity.

In order to reach them, you will have to first have to get their brain out of the passive mode. The Beatles had a song that contained the lines “turn off your mind, relax and float downstream”. These lines provide clues to understanding the fog experience and how to address it. First you want them to ‘turn on’ their mind. This means that you will have to engage their mind. You will have to get them into a problem-solving and thinking mode. This is where asking them to help you solve household problems can come in handy. Get their mind thinking through problems and coming up with solutions. It will be important that you do not solve the problem for them. Their mind needs to be engaged. Once it is engaged, you can work on opening their focus to where they are engaging with you.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

 

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10 Responses

  1. Excellent points, Jeff.  This may be the first time I have read about doing something constructive to help get the cheating spouse out of the fog.  Most information regarding this situation revolves around describing the fog and/or complaining about it.  This was helpful.  This is proactive.  I wish I had had this information soon after D-Day.  I believe it would have made a difference.

    Like many female betrayed spouses I probably made it easier for my husband to stay in la-la-land because I took care of all the monthly financial obligations (both personal and in the business we jointly owned) and the largest part of housework, yard work, etc.  I thought I was making life easier for him, but he basically had no responsibilities outside of his work.  In hindsight I can see where I cut him out of an important part of our relationship.

    Looking at the details of his affair it’s easy to see when he was bored or felt unnecessary and unimportant.  Those are the times he would contact his affair partner and the cycle would begin again.  He helped her with a lot of her problems whereas it appeared that I didn’t need him.  Boy did that change!

    1. blueskyabove,

      I am thrilled that you found the information on getting through the fog helpful and constructive. I have talked about it before, yet I find that there are some topics that need to be addressed routinely, since there are often new readers or people are finally in a place to hear it.

  2. Blueskyupabove

    You are not alone. I am not sure how often I have heard this that the woman is feeling HER “contribution’ to the family is to make life easier on her husband how ‘works so hard making a living for his family’ ….This message was pretty much fed to me by my mom as well as many women of her generation and some of us of the latter.

    Even with effort to learn what a wife is , and the ‘how of marriage’ from my past bible fellowship associations …it was still pretty much the message. The wife was to be the ‘cheer leader’ and the ‘support ‘ for her husband .

    My own mother advised me not to call my husband at work since it was ‘intrusive’ and he was such an ‘important and busy man’ and not to bother him with the various situations at home. This was echoed in the church as well.

    I did not know any better. AND having worked at my own career there was something of a feeling of gratitude that I wanted my husband to know how much I appreciated the way he got up early and worked so hard late into the evening …I felt it was the least I could do was not complain and to take on whatever I could that seemed to be more than he could handle!

    HOW WRONG this was! As you said …he was robbed of his involvement and those kinds of activities that it takes to maintain a home and care for the family …but in our case he pretty much took advantage.

    He does not LIKE to do any kind of work that is ‘menial’ in his view. He used to leave the house on his way out saying ‘hire someone’ “I get paid too much to waste my time on such things’!

    So it was as his entitlement grew my taking on many of the tasks that he should have had to take on …like it or not …he MIGHT have grown to appreciate MY life at home as I had been appreciative of the kinds of stresses accompany a career …having had my own.

    My ‘gift’ of time and r and r was not appreciated but taken for granted …even asking him to carve pumpkins with the kids was met with a grudging attitude…funny …my daughters were laughing at an old video that they said showed his attitude and that it would prove to him that he was simply ‘checked out’ in terms of connecting and appreciating his family .

    I realize that many people have tasks they do not like much but that is LIFE ! Doing things we do not like or learning how to appreciate people and things that are new is part of a person’s character building

    I did bring up to him when he was losing out ..I fell prey to his pouting and looks of displeasure and even his display of some temperament a kin to that of a rebellious teenager …I recall one Saturday morning where I asked him if he would like to take our youngest along on his Saturday morning outing as he used to do with our other children …He turned and snarled at me like a kid who is being asked to take a younger child with him to play with his pals.

    I was embarrassed FOR him …it was so out of character…but NOW I realize he was on his way over to his OW for an early morning sexual encounter.

    Our youngest child missed out entirely on what my husband had done with our other two …since right after she was born he got involved with the OW whom he kept on with for 14 more years…by the time D DAY occurred his youngest was grown and he missed the opportunity to enjoy her.

    Most of his weekend mornings he was up and gone often until late in the afternoon…’at the office’

    He now goes out early since most of us sleep in later …having trouble getting to sleep ..so he is ‘free’ to roam early am….he goes to the office…to work out ..to have coffee….but who really knows.

    He also sees the other children with regularity ..taking them to eat before school or after school 4-5 days a week….This hurts since he did not do this when our children were young…and even now he makes NO dates with me OR them…he simply says ‘I KNOW I am coming home and will see all of you …but I must make time for those children or I won’t see them at all and they need me!”

    We all needed him back then and he was told so …but he was ‘too busy’ …and now he is ‘too busy ‘ trying to make ends meet to make up for all of the losses …and he has to try to parent those kids since their mother is gone a lot …they are alone a lot ..she went back to school to become a social worker!

    This astounds me ..she is unfit and yet someone will hire her to intrude into other people’s family lives….!!!!

    Sooner or later those children will learn the score and I pray they will not be damaged…but the truth is that one learns what one grows up with ..unless there is some kind of huge wake up call along life’s path.

    Soon the boy will be entering little league…a true love of my husband …baseball ..and he will be away from our home even more ..he says no but I know him …

    He does not make dates with me now …he simply is “here’ …sleeps upstairs….eats …watches tv while playing solitaire

    I have to sit by while he talks on the phone to a business associate just to hear him speak more than two words.

    He is simply not interested in nurturing a marriage relationship with anyone …he just skims the cream off the top in brief encounters with MANY people …treating everyone pretty much equally….

    There is no preferential treatment as I have learned a man actually owes his wife …which would reflect well upon himself and do all good…He treats all of us as if we are a clump of humanity ..when at work he actually treated his employees and coworkers with more courtesy than any of us .

    He is seen as a really nice guy ..a great guy ..and he is …unless you are someone who has believed the vows taken at the alter….

    Sorry …feeling sad …he does not care that his life here demonstrates a lot of selfishness….no matter what any of us try to communicate with him

    His daughters are like many who are hurt by a parent who cheats….even with him here …they don’t want to bring up anything about it …is responses shut them down …they have seen his responses to my efforts to talk through things…and so they will not be heard and do not want to risk further neglect .

    To the external eye ..all looks great ….but sometimes it seems like there is a lot missing that COULD be …He is capable of so much more involvment with people …just not US .

    His social skills are supreme….just not with his wife and family. He is passive …but do not stir up the waters…he prefers to just ‘get on ‘ with HIS life and is happy to do the minimum in terms of learning HOW to love his wife ….

    This is not a new story …I am sorry to ramble on …we had such a great beginning ..until the career ladder beckoned …and I thought it was FOR US …but it turned out to be HIS life….and in order to gain it ..he threw us under the bus and took the fast track to the top with all of the compromises he was willing to take…He never stole from anyone ….except ME and our family …time, affection, money and all kinds of resources..

    FOG???? Yes…but for 14 years! and counting?

    More like eternal “tulle fog’ like in the Sacramento valley ..can’t see your hand in front of your face!

    Can’t see the forest for the trees!

    Any more cliches?? blindness ….sin blinds people to truth and what real life is ….sadly

    1. Zaza,

      Thank you for sharing about this aspect of your life. I found myself getting angry at the truth’s of God’s word presented out of context. Many churches present the idea that Sarah called Abraham “lord” type of thinking. They forget that the other part of the story is that God told Abraham to do EVERYTHING that Sarah asked of him. Presenting one truth without the other is like a peanut butter sandwich without the jelly. When the two are presented together, there is greater freedom and love based submission rather than bondage-based submission.

  3. These are all personality disorders to some extent…some more severe than others …some requiring serious help…some requiring getting out of the fog just by realizing that you are being selfish and weak….

    I am so unfortunate that I have chosen a woman with serious disorder that was always there and I just never knew it…. she is narcissistic, and sociopathic, histrionic and a sex addict, with no other addictions and normal to the world. I just left her having sex in the back of a car after we made love this morning and after she promised me no more contract or acting out…..I need an intervention because these disorders make you truly believe that you are always correct.that no one or anything else is correct. And that you can just get (your emotional stability and personality) from others, without consequence.

    Where can I find an interventionist!!!!!???!

    1. itsbeensolong,

      It does sound like you need an intervention. Your need has alerted me to the need for a list of counselors, etc., who are skilled in such matters for those in different areas. You need someone skilled in 1) dealing with interventions, 2) experienced in dealing with affairs with a bias toward the importance of marriage 3) someone experienced with multiple personality type issues. That is a tall order.

  4. I would love to show you how normal our life is except for this… how well adjusted, intelligent and socially and emotionally stave our children are. How well she can hide her two lives. How she hasn’t been exposed in 3 years… how she can convincingly she can make me and other men believe she is totally devoted and faithful to all of us. She really communicates every aspect of her life with this other man. Where they are every minute..what our work and family is doing and has done. What I am doing…telling her. When I show her things about them and she immediately tells him they were “busted ” again… its crazy and emotional abuse..and she denies it… I watch them together, tell her to stop or just go be with him, and she looks at me and says that I’m imagining it and she would never do these things…. after literally confronting both of them. Multiple personality disorder as well….

    1. itsbeensolong,

      Your suspicion of personality disorder makes great sense. Only those with personality disorders/multiple personalities can such lead double lives with such smooth functioning. They switch from one life to another thinking nothing of it. They often compartamentalize issues very effectively which makes it hard to talk with them about it.

  5. @blueskyabove
    I have to agree with ZaZa in the sense that yes I took on so many of the roles in the household but that my CS actively chose not to be engaged at home doing things together there making it a home. When his infatuation at work broke to the surface we went to counseling. The counselor asked about our relationship and me.
    I, at that time had a job that, while stressful and time consuming, was one I loved doing. The OW was needy and helpless. The counselor, upon hearing the information said that with me he was out of a job.
    True perhaps except that I still was deeply in love with him. Had to have him move out of the house for a while.
    During that time when he was becoming infatuated with the OW, I came up with a terminology, anything I say can and will be used against me. I did not know the concept of affair fog. Just that I was excluded from his realm of people whose feelings and concerns he should care about. So painful.
    After a six month separation we reconciled. (still had children at home). Little did I know he continued his strange relationship with OW. Due to the stress I had been under I was no longer able to do my challenging career type job and took on much less rewarding work, another loss for me. Clearly upon reflection now he was still in the fog. Ten years later I was to find out he kept going to her home, being her best friend, helping her around her house, listening to her ongoing dramas, drinking wine (otherwise he never drinks). Occasionally when she was drunk enough she would allow him to have sex with her. It was all so weird. And so hidden from me as I guess I had adapted to be self sufficient in a relationship that neglected my emotional needs, in addition to the ongoing maintenance and upkeep of a home being neglected. We had become roommates in a sense with him being the bad roommate (with benefits however) wow was I the fool.
    D day was a year and a half ago. He says he wants to be a good husband now and in many ways is more like the man I fell in love with and married. More like the husband of our good early years. But the delusion of being the easy hero for a needy OW has been a hard habit for him to end. Ah the drama, the drama. And the pain for me.
    Part of me can see that my self sufficiency allowed him to be irresponsible within our relationship, maybe. He willfully, willing chose the path of easy perks for himself at my expense. The anger at his deception has been hard to release. Especially as even as recently as the end of July he spent a late night at her house (I was out of town, yet found out). His seeming inability to see the immorality of his actions is painful and I must admit at times infuriating. When will the fog lift completely?
    Upon rereading this blog, I see that’s the point. Getting him to engage his mind and get back from lala land and back to reality.
    I do take on less. I do try to take better care of myself. Healing from the trauma of the deception has been a hard go. He is an intelligent man. He can figure this out if he chooses to.

  6. Peggy Vaughn who recently died shared a lot of her own life in the recovery of her marriage which involved her husband’s active part in it…They went on to live a growing relationship and strong marriage following their D day which occured for her after 17 years of her husband having many adulterous ‘events’

    One of her stories that she had gleaned from her work with couples who came into their lives for counseling and help through such situations came to my mind as I read your sharing here .

    She told of a woman who with every D Day she and her husband would go to marriage counselling …with each time she would be told something that SHE needed to do so that her husband would not be unfaithful …she went through each time making all the effort ..she changed her style, lost weight , got in shape …changed her hair color …took up more sports….with each discovery of one of his ongoing adultery’s SHE was told by the therapist and her husband there was some ‘deficit’ in her ….she did everything she was told to ‘improve’ and to’ please ‘ her husband to ‘deal with ‘ whatever the reason was her husband gave for why he continued to be dissatisfied with his marriage.

    She eventually committed suicide….WHAT a NIGHTMARE!

    I agree with Jeff ..going to a counselor is a tricky business…..it is not just ANYONE with a piece of paper that we should want to intrude into this most complicated issue. Help IS indeed needed but who is ‘qualified” is the difficulty…WHO is ‘qualified”? I hope Jeff can discover some useful ones to recommend.

    Personally I have found all kinds of disqualifies among health care, counselling professionals, and and clergy…..many kinds of damage done as people expect and trust many of those who offer this kind of help.

    The inner man of the heart is KEY to what kind of life a person is going to follow …what kind of decisions they are going to make…trying to somehow “make” someone change …external ways may make a change but often temporary ….the HEART of a person directs their choice …their effort that is moved by the desire …that realizing the need to learn …will possibly change attitude and choices …and eventually the life of a person

    How that comes about is somewhat mysterious …but one part I think plays a big role is …if that person is able to avoid or deny the consequences of their actions….they will not have enough ‘reason ‘ to even think about learning any other way to think about how they choose.

    Hunger to know seems to be crucial to one receiving any kind of information that they do not already think they know.

    I am so sorry that you and everyone here is going through this stuff…..Jeff offers very useful information and this blog is helpful to those of us trying to navigate this mess.

    Hugs~

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