Speaking the truth to your spouse and others risks the potential of conflict. If your goal is avoiding conflict, then speaking the truth presents problems.
If you hope to restore stability to your marriage and get past the affair, then you’ll realize that there’s no way to avoid conflicts or hurt feelings. Yes, the cheater will get mad at hearing the truth.
When people have been used to living an existence filled with lies, they react strongly to hearing the truth about what they did.
Truth will bring stability, yet that stability comes with conflicts.
So what does “Speaking the truth” involve? Speaking the truth is not a matter of letting your spouse ‘have it’. It’s not a matter of you delivering your judgement and verdict on their actions.
It’s also important that you focus on their actions rather than their person. Attacks on their person will be taken as personal. When they feel personally attacked, they’ll attack you back in a personal manner.
Speaking the truth means being honest, AND to honestly hear them out as well. When you speak the truth, you have to be willing to hear their truth as well.
Truth is a two way street. You have to be willing to honestly look at yourself if you want your spouse to be honest about their life as well. You’ll have to give up your lies as you ask them to give up theirs.
It’s not a matter of the only truth is your truth. Hearing their truth is important in connecting with each other and finding the objective truth.
Sadly, the term “Speaking the truth” and “Speaking Your Truth” have been blurred. They don’t mean the same thing even though they sound similar.
Truth or honesty is a key part of trust. If you need more help consider the video “How Can I Trust You Again?”
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
I agree , not just willingness but desire for truth . God ‘s word tells us that HE desires us to have truth in the INWARD parts.
Before we married I decided to live with others who were desiring to learn and live by the truths we could discover that God wanted us to learn to live by . There was a group desire to both discover and confront ourselves with truth because it made sense to do so and that it might be easier though more painful sometimes in a group setting .
Because of love for GOD and one another we all recognized that there were going to be times where truth speaking was going to sting but it was good because lies cloud our thinking and our ability to learn and understand what others say and what GOD would have us understand.
I entered marriage with the experience and understanding that I was not perfect and that marriage would involve not just give and take but a lot of endurance through whatever situations might come up in life.
Endurance of hearing what might not be pleasing or romantic but coming from a spouse who was trusted to love me and have good intentions it would be useful for my betterment….I thought he was of the same understanding . It turns out that he was only willing to hear what he wanted to hear …after a while …
I did not begin with a critical spirit or overt commentary on his life and ways …as some might assume was reason for his departure from relationship ….He was raised to believe that he was right …good and without any need of any adjustment …single or married…no one else should have been any reason for his curbing his desires and independence!
For a few short years into our marriage we did not have too much trouble as we attended fellowships together and had many friends as a couple who shared the moral and biblical values.
It was when he entered the realm of the office culture that things changed drastically . Thus I have had to come to learn that without a personal concern for living life in a way that is moral and pleasing to our Creator …there is probably NO human person that has enough value for a spouse to care about or remain faithful.
His desire for what HE wanted was all that has mattered…even now in the aftermath of D DAY .
When a person has been raised to believe that they can be anything they want or have anything they want in life and it translates into choosing all kinds of behaviors and activities that harm others….it is a deeply rooted attitude that seems to have been justified because mom and dad said so and their families treated them like gods that could do no wrong.
The self esteem movement may have been intended to build strong people but God’s word tells us that his foundation for a godly life includes chastening ..reproofs and corrections designed for us to be able to see our need for adjusting our thoughts, attitudes and lives in ways that line up with HIS plumb line….or we may go way off course in our desire to build a meaningful life and a worthy legacy .
My heart break goes on here as I see that despite all of what my husband has learned and heard both before and after D Day for his own betterment both here and for eternity …NOTHING seems to penetrate his heart.
Even the effects of his ‘ways ‘ of stonewalling in how it effects his relationships with his children does not cause him to make any changes or seek to learn any ways to help what his ways of choosing do to those who one would think would make the biggest difference.
He is just ‘good enough’ in keeping his outward appearances in tact that he does not want to do the work of what one would think might be more healthy for himself and those children he has …let alone the wife he has continued to treat with only moderate polite acknowledgement.
I know people suggest to the betrayed a lot of things…it has not helped…allowing for him to ‘notice’ my following the ways of forgiveness, kindness, self examination ..allowing him time…allowing him privacy ….speaking up after D DAY …honoring his need for making his own examination of his life …NOTHING seems to impact his continued withdrawal and refusal to care about how to fulfill all of the things that might not only be useful to heal our relationship and our family but to impact the children of the adultery in a more dynamic way for good.
I am a ‘widow’ before my time here ….and it is sucking the life out of our children as well as they observe and try to make up for his ‘absence’ …..I wish I knew what more to do. He is a WALL.
Zaza,
I share many of your concerns for the ‘self-esteem’ movement. Although pop culture and parents send the message that you can be whatever you want to be, the reality is that in most, if not all cases, they do not have the skills or abilities to achieve that. We have a generation that is either in the process of crashing and burning or learning it quickly. This also impacts many marriages as well, both in terms of affairs and marital problems. Rather than seeking what God wants them to be or what their calling may be, instead they ‘want to be all that they can be’ and end up with disappointments.
And we know what happens in many cases when expectations are built upon SAND…..I personally have had to have the rude awakening …and indeed even in the church with many falling for false teachings not based upon God’s actual words …there is a lot of disappointment. My comment when I encounter someone who blames God is that we should not blame GOD for what PEOPLE do who claim to know Him …
We always have the ability to check for ourselves what GOD actually ‘god breathed’ provided in our scriptures…..God knows in today’s world there are no lack of Bibles! God tells us that “HE who comes to God must BELIEVE that HE IS …AND that HE is a REWARDER of those that DILIGENTLY seek Him
As I have walked along ..stumbling at that …I have often found something I did not understand at the first but I kept reading …kept going back to search …kept asking HIM to explain to me and sooner or later the answer or explanation has come to me.
Reading the Word people must realize GOD has told us that HIS spirit will guide us into all truth …His word is spirit …thus if we CONTINUE in his words we ‘will be HIS disciples INDEED” as he said.
Other people are fine as those who may offer something of what they have understood but the living spirit which is HIS word must be ‘eaten daily ‘ for US to be nourished through what it will work “IN” those who will do so .
Living by taking the “Daily bread ” and ‘eating your own bread’ are exhortations that we find in the Word from Jesus and scriptures ongoing…..He is the ‘bread that came down from heaven’ and His words are spirit and they are life
I cannot expect to be nourished by watching someone else eat a hamburger …neither can I be fully nourished by only listening to someone preach or reading someone else’s exposition of what GOD has brought to them to understand .
…it is an “appetizer” for me to be stimulated to go and read the word myself …
We are to come to the table of the Lord and eat of His bread/flesh and drink of HIS water/blood/wine…which is HIS WORD …..as he told us .
This is the true ‘communion’ that he spoke of ….to enter into communion with Him in his thoughts….his spirit then ‘fills ‘ us with HIS worldview and that wisdom which is eternal …for his word will NOT pass away ….thus being IN us as we ABIDE IN His words ….living by them …walking IN them …we will be “in Christ’
Now there is no condemnation to those who are IN Christ Jesus …who walk NOT by the flesh …but by the SPIRIT …..Walking by the spirit is to walk according to HIS WORD…..
Thus we may grow up in understanding and application of what is the very life of our Savior ….and in obedience to Him we have thus made HIM the LORD of our lives….
The world teaches people today …as many parents know not the scriptures nor the exhortation of God to learn from HIM and to teach and train up their children. Lacking this …we grope around …those who find the truth and believe and follow after doing what we are told will find life everlasting in the scriptures as they continue to learn how to ‘see’ all through the lens of HIS exposing all truth to us .
This is a true treasure hunt as there are many who come in His name ..claiming Him but do not know Him …who take authority over the sheep and feed what is pleasing the itching ears of the unlearned …it will not overcome the truth …Those that stay in study of the word will be led ….
“My sheep hear my voice …another they will not follow’ …not for long as when the Word of GOD is made FIRST ….in our lives we will soon learn what is truth and then error will be exposed and we will be recovered out of the “snares ” of false doctrines….traditions of men and fables taught to the many by hirlings , wolves and theives.
This is one of the reasons I believe we must pray for those who are opposing themselves and doing whatever harm to us by their sinful choices…WHAT power to any of them have against the darkness they have been led into?
It is hard to do when we are hurt …in fact ..frankly I believe that the Lord makes many statements that require us to lean upon Him in order to obey Him …and thus as we seek in the Word how to follow His instructions we also find ourselves built up by those things we read …even those things which seem to discourage us because we are told NOT to lean unto our OWN understanding but in ALL our ways to acknowledge HIM and HE will direct our paths.
Oh yeah …this is hard …especially when our hearts are bleeding and broken by anyone we have given our life to for service and loving …those who stomp on it …are indifferent to us …dispise the Lord we love …and are given to many hurtful lusts…..but we are commanded by Jesus to continue in HIS words…and thus we will be counted as HIS disciples indeed….
This world is a small portion compared to eternity
I have reminded my husband who was bitterly complaining that if GOD KNEW what he was going to do then why didn’t he stop him or stop me from marrying him!
I think it interesting that people want it BOTH WAYS …THEY want the freedom to choose how they live and then they get mad at GOD for not stopping them!
GOD GAVE us WISDOM to find out and learn to apply so that we do not choose ways that are going to be harmful , wasteful and evil ….God gave us knowledge of the enemy of our souls…and the ways that we might be tempted and lured into snares we cannot know of by our five senses and carnal minds alone.
WE are given freedom to choose …we are given knowledge and wisdom to find …we are given commandments for our protection
ALL of the deceitful ways of the Devil are clearly laid out for us and obedience to the commands are FOR OUR good …
Just as Eve was compelled to think of the command of GOD as restrictive …today’s population for the most part…’the many ‘ as Jesus put it…are rebellious and have turned their ears away ..their hearts have been hardened through sinful consequences compounding ….
The hearing of the ear is inhibited and distracted by many glittering effects of this world ….
Nothing that GOD has said to us is wrong but those who know his words SEE those things before us and grieve for the losses of many who are not hearing , not caring …but are being lost due to their choices and their having not know the truth
Buying the lies of deceitful doctrines within and without the church have wrought what we see and even what we have experienced in this day of ‘plenty’ where any desire is to be gained.
Where the world thinks of “gain as godliness’ God’s word tells us that “contentment with godliness is GREAT GAIN”
Who has read the word with an open mind toward God bringing about understanding has not seen what GOD’s Word has testified about all these things we observe in today’s world??
Speaking what is TRUTH IS …what love is …yet the truth is ‘hard’ for those who are sold out to sinful practices and desire the ‘dainties’ offered for a season …in trade for the lifetime that offers us the opportunity to learn to understand what GOD would have us know about himself and all that HE intended for us to learn and experience.
My husband has sadly rebelled against the truth …He says he ‘cannot ‘ understand scripture …that reading it makes no sense to him!~
Once again the scriptures explain why this is happening to him
God resists the proud but gives grace unto the HUMBLE
ALso …rebellion is said in scripture to be ‘as the sin of witchcraft’ …rebellion is the opposite of humility toward the word of GOD …with out the light of the word a person is helpless against the ways deception will work to draw the attention to various offerings and desirable ‘ traits of man’s various aspects
What GOD intended for our greatest joy and good is thus offered but OUT of the CONTEXT wherein protection of our lives is to be lived
In other words what is GOOD is thus being offered but in a WRONG way …so that it is harmful …and intoxicating
God has not just made everything GOOD but HE has made what he made to be lived in a PARTICULAR way ….
Sex is one…it is to be PART of a RELATIONSHIP with the spouse…and within God’s designed JURISDICTION
SO then anything God made that is used or abused by way of enjoying it OUT of that jurisdiction will be harmful and ensnaring .
Thinking of all the various ‘right’s ‘ of today’s population making DEMANDS that laws be enacted that actually BREAK the contexts of what GOD has designed them for!
To make a SYSTEM of LAWS AGAINST the laws of GOD is what the mystery of iniquity is …man’s laws that are made which break the laws of GOD …holding man’s lusts up as reason to believe they are ‘rights’!
When the hammer of consequences ‘fall’ upon those who reject having the Lord as their lord…they will complain that ‘why didn’t God DO something ‘
God honors his creation dynamic…God is not only all loving but he is all just and he will not overstep the boundaries that HE has set.
The earth IS the Lords and all that is in it …yet he gave ADAM the jurisdiction and responsibility to STEWARD it….then the Devil was expelled and landed here …without any kingdom and was still full of pride and intention to take charge somewhere ….
Adam HAD to surrender his domain by his FREE WILL ..thus the temptation to DISOBEY was the means to get Adam to make a choice …His choice ..made with full knowledge of what GOD told him to do …which was to establish that he loved GOD enough to obey ….was broken
Adam made the choice to be his own ‘lord’ …to disobey GOD and to become the ‘decider’ or ‘definer ‘ of what HE ‘felt’ was ‘good ‘ or ‘evil’ and thus OPENED the way for the Devil to become the ‘god of this world ‘ ….as he offered it all to Jesus IF Jesus would worship him ….’obedience’ is a form of “worship’
It is through our free will choices that we either keep the words of GOD and thus keep the door shut against the ‘intruder’ the great deceiver OR we disobey GOD and make a ‘way’ into our minds and lives that the Devil will take advantage of ….
Deceptions work when we either do not KNOW how to defend ourselves from it …by way of knowledge of the Word OR we somehow rationalize sin …which opens the way for us to then disobey …
Reading the progressive thought process which is recorded in the record of how EVE reasoned her way until she disobeyed the command of GOD …is instructive for us to learn HOW we too may be approached and tempted to cast off the wisdom of GOD
I have put forth the idea of how grateful my husband should be for the discovery of his adultery …That GOD has ‘interrupted’ his behavior so that he may turn from it and be recovered from a lifetime of living in lies….So far he has not seen it this way . He is resentful and still deciding against choosing redemption.
This kind of ‘religious pride’ says …” I cannot go to the Lord after all that I have done’
It is sad…but as the word tells us we must pray for those who despitefully use us …and do good to those who sin against us …
Doing ‘good’ is to obey the Lord in all ways …and allow that GOD will work through all things toward the end that those who are opposing themselves may have their eyes opened….
God has given man FREEDOM OF CHOICE….I do not see GOD doing more than making His word available and protecting people for a time so that they may turn from SIN .
Man has the opportunity as long as he lives through this earthly plain to choose.
I do not believe GOD will overstep this aspect …the devil cannot but will do everything to cause a person to choose sin in order to take over that place of ‘authority’ in the mind of someone .
Knowing the word and DOING what it tells us is very wise and powerful to keep us from being deceived.
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing that. Getting insight and inspiration second hand is never as good as experiencing it first hand. I share your love for seeking answers and insights directly. Whether in homeschool, professional or personal studies, I prefer reading source material to what others have said about it. Each have their place and value.