When you are dealing with affairs, whether they involve sex or just emotional affairs, an issue of concern is ‘attachments‘.
You want to know what kind of attachment the cheater has with the lover. You also want to know the strength of that attachment.
Somehow you believe that by knowing about what kind of attachment and how strong the attachment is, that you can assess what kind of threat you are dealing with. Knowing the information about attachments is helpful, but it may not be what you need to know to survive the affair or to save your marriage.
The concern instead need to be ‘what the cheater was looking for’ and ‘how that relates to what is either missing or perceived as missing from your marriage’. Another concern if the cheater can actually form healthy attachments.
Narcissists form many attachments, yet few are healthy ones. Bear in mind that with the affair, the cheater was fixing their perceived problem.
The affair was their solution to that problem. Knowing what they were fixing will give you clues as to what is needed.
Whatever attachment they formed is their seeking out something that they were missing.
This does not mean that you need to look, act, dress and smell like the lover. Mimicking the lover only reinforces the power of the lover.
Copying the lover runs the risk of encouraging the cheater in getting more attached to the lover.
Instead, try ‘decoding’ what the lover does and what that says about the cheaters needs and the nature of your relationship with the cheater. I use the term perceived, since some cheaters may create a ‘self-serving crisis’ in order to have an affair.
With the self-serving crisis, they create a ‘manufactured’ situation which distorts what’s really going on in the relationship, so that they have a ready made excuse to have an affair.
The manufactured situation emphasizes the negative aspects so that an affair makes their life better.
Cheaters often think that there is much less guilt when an affair is a way to solve a problem in the marriage or personal life.
So when you look at attachments, examine both the ones between the cheater and lover along with your attachment with the cheater and the cheater’s ability to have attachments.
One place you can talk with others about ways of dealing with attachments is within the support community at Restored Lifestyle.
When you participate in the forums, you can gain new ways of handling attachments you may not have thought of before.
Best Regards,
Jeff
8 Responses
This was a very insightful audio I thought you might enjoy listening to regarding adultery and it’s cause ….attachment is dealt with as well ….Voddie Bachman spoke at one of the home school conventions and I enjoyed his bold and plain speaking on subjects that are disturbing us these days …this link is to his sermon on Adultery ….thought it was worth a listen .
http://www.sermonaudio.com/playpopup.asp?SID=53091755325
Zaza,
Thank yo for sharing the link. I appreciate you sharing that with me and others.
There are a lot of interesting other sermons on there ….whatever helps or stimulates a thought or a study….
As far as attachments go …my husband feared to be associate with Jesus Christ after we had our first child and he viewed a video of us about a month later . He observed himself speaking of raising our child to love GOD and freaked out and said that it scared him to see himself talking about GOD that way .
It is astonishing to hear this NOW …I wonder if his lengthy association with many women has caused him to feel more like that person he saw on the video was nothing like what is acceptable to himself or those he wanted to be accepted by .
I know that he made a lot of effort to distance himself from ME since I am so committed to staying in relationship with the Lord and am comfortable speaking about my faith with others in any venue…all that someone has to ask is what am I interested in or how we met …and every road leads back to the Lord in my past and present life.
His fear of being perceived as a believer has led him to serve the god of this world as there is no middle road …His marriage to a believer no doubt made him a prime target for the god of this world and his minions….I am not superstitious I just read that this is so in the word but even if not I have witnessed that is someone is not committed to staying in the word and learning what to do in life they will be led away and will serve sin.
There is no ‘threat’ to the devil among those who he has deceived to serve their fleshly desires….Those who are committed to love the Lord are his most important target to try to dissuade.
My husband was committed to serving himself and to drawing the many he admired to admire him and so he devoted himself to blend in and be accepted by those who had no respect for marriage …and even less respect for the role of wife and mother.
It is as if he made the decision to destroy me and our family himself all the while giving a great performance as ‘nice guy’ and ‘great family man’ …..He is not the first …I have since read of other men who are carrying off this same facade…..sickening how they are so willing to destroy what is good to serve that which is evil.
Additionally …I just thought of how he had moved from our bedroom …now almost a year and a half to date…saying he cannot ‘fake it ‘anymore!
Funny how a man can be a liar …and live in deceitful and false ‘relationship’ make vows that are curses which any ‘vow’ to an adulteress actually is ….having no power to make what is actually a ‘vow’ …and NOW he decides that living in his marriage is a LIE
Marriage IS …and those who enter into it are to live faithfully fulfilling their VOWS which are made TO GOD as well as the spouse and before and to all witnesses.
Basing one’s idea of ‘truth’ upon feelings is what is the LIE ..
Feelings are nothing to base anything on …they exist in the realm where the devil manipulates people and situations to steal , kill and destroy all that is rightfully given to man to engage in and enjoy.
Man was BOUGHT with a PRICE we are not our own we are not to be servants of MAN ….
Man is to SERVE GOD by obeying God’s words….and among them the man who has vowed in marriage is promising GOD to LOVE …if the man does not KNOW what it is to love his wife he must go to the GOD who has commanded him to and learn …He will find GOD is not short on information in this area.
My husband liked to remind me to respect him and all the while he was abandoning our marriage I would ask GOD what ‘respecting ‘ my husband looked like….I backed away from doing things my husband asked me not to do …all except to speak whatever the Lord placed upon my heart….I was still aware of and tried to honor my husband even in this area being careful to not go overboard …but ANY talk of the Lord seemed to cause him to distance further
I found out eventually from continued working of the word …that it is NOT ‘respect’ to allow someone to go into sin without speaking up …this was AFTER D DAY …and as I spoke to my husband reminding him of the word and how even his OW was not loved by his behavior he did not like to hear it but the truth and wisdom of GOD cannot be denied.
Now the truths which he knew but would not heed are clearly made more solid as they speak in retrospect about sin …and now he has experienced the depths of sins that he would not hear about before and he is seeing all of the destruction that his stubborn rebellion has caused.
He has retreated into himself and claimed that he will not accept the Lord even as he has had to see that the Lord was right.
I have tried to be gentle but firm ..
It is NOT ‘respect’ even for a wife to allow her husband to sin ,…SIN KILLS
My husband has a very hard heart and even as he now sees that his own way is now effecting the children’s lives that he thought he could effect well WITHOUT taking the time to learn about parenting in godly ways …
Those who reject the WORD are offended by IT because it is the LIVING SPIRIT of GOD …and it is not the PERSON or the PERSONALITY of those who speak it rightly but the offense is to the person who clings to the sin that even as they HATE it they are not willing to HUMBLE themselves to go to GOD and ask forgiveness in a contrite way.
Asking for forgiveness has taken the form of ADMISSION of sin …which is not the same as confession which agrees with GOD as to what GOD says about it and has deep pain AND fear of not taking up the walk that cleanses one from the life of death that sinful habits are .
The walk of repentance is a life changing attitude that makes much of seeking how to make different decisions and actions based upon what GOD tells us is right.
So far the changes I have seen have little change of heart …more a lot of changes of activities and none indicate any move toward keeping his word in marriage vows or in seeking the Lord.
This is a difficult thing to observe in someone you love and have loved for a very very long life in marriage….His life is consumed with constructing a new ‘personae’ that is STILL based upon his carnal perceptions..
I know I have much to do in my own life before the Lord so I am not judging my husband by my own paradigm but the judgments of GOD of all behaviors are revealing the heart ..and as the word gives us this measure for our own lives we are thus equipped to see into the lives of those around us …to evaluate their faith whether it be IN Christ or something other.
Zaza,
You are correct when you say that “sin kills”. My own version of that is that “affairs always end in death”. It may be emotional, relational, spiritual or physical. Death always comes.
The separate bed is not surprising. Although many men fantasize about keeping up two or more women, the reality is they can not. They find themselves often loving one and hating or disparaging the other. Although they want to hold onto the playboy lifestyle, man was not designed to function at his best that way.
Zaza,
I have a question for you. Please try to take no offense to this. I mean no harm. The life that you describe to the world sounds so horrible and lonely and unfair and never improving. I lost hope that your marriage can be saved a long time ago based on what you write, which confuses me. I was wondering if posting about your negative circumstances so much and for so long is helping you to move toward change or are you trying to move readers to experience concern and pity for you personally? Is it possible that staying in a dead marriage and continually blogging about it is feeding some sort of damaged emotional need? Don’t we all want to experience a resolution of problems to maintain hope? I want that for you and I have for a long time. I’m sad you haven’t had resolution or improvement. I guess knowing more and more and more and more and more about someone’s terrible circumstances that doesn’t progress leads to frustration. I guess I wouldn’t make a very enduring therapist.
I think God wants you happy. Maybe describing it as much and with such detail brings you that happiness. But know that people care and its hard to keep reading it, and it not get better.
Um I am sorry Stormy that reading what I share is often distressing . I had believed that sharing what I am going through or things I think of as I discover more in the process of seeking out answers would be useful. I would not have hoped to gain sympathy at the expense of others comfort or hope.
What I have had happen is something that WILL go on for a lifetime in more than the way an adultery that is over and done with in it’s active sense might find closure…I want to stay in the marriage and have reason to believe in the state of marriage as one that is unique. I did not marry to only expect happiness….and I was aware of the various aspects of relationships that can disappoint. The need to move on and grow beyond the present or past situations.
I struggle at times because the fact is that the children of the adultery exist and that is not going to go away ….in addition to that there are concerns and various considerations to have to deal with in terms of the mental and emotional health that they and their mother are in that may become more threatening and even dangerous at some future point.
My husband does NOT want to divorce and is in a present state of shame and depression over what he has done and he is feeling that if he changes it would be hypocritical. Some aspect of this may have to do with his upbringing ….
I share a lot of raw info here …maybe not the place to do so ..I often think that those coming here might be helped but as you have shared this is not the case for you . I regret that this is so .
We do not have the finances to go to a therapist though we have gone to some and we have had some progress . Mostly we are staying together and learning to talk through some of the things.
I found sharing here not only therapeutic in gaining some comments of help from Jeff …but my attitude about whatever I am living through ..be it joyful or not ..perhaps useful to someone else.
I do NOT believe that GOD gave me life or marriage JUST to ‘be happy ‘ and I feel that that is one of the presuppositions that people often end up being disappointed with their spouse or marriage when they do not realize that marriage is a covenant that is designed for a lot of things. ..happiness is one but mostly to grow and learn to love within boundaries protected by each persons effort to do so .
Lacking that understanding today’s disappointed spouses are finding not only occasions but often encouragement to just go find someone that ‘makes you happy’ which is a false paradigm.
It is one of the things that led my husband off to serve himself in the first place..that and his lack of being courageous enough to address the things that he did not like in our marriage and me. I TRIED to approach HIM with love , honesty and openness. I did all that I know to do …I lived before marriage among adults who also related openly , honestly and authentically. My husband seemed to be so before marriage but once as I have shared…once involved in communities of those who do not value or respect marriage things definitely CHANGED …he began to pursue making himSELF happy with others who had NO investment in our lives….
Thus the difference between those who find out the purpose and meaning of marriage that is NOT on the popular press or media stage.
Staying IN a marriage in distress is not a wonderful feeling ..it is often very difficult and as you have noted painful ….yet …I am not a Pollyanna nor a masochist….I hope for better..and work through what is not ….
I appreciate your direct commentary and the extent to which you have made the effort to extend encouragement to me . I am grateful for your candid approach as to how you have concluded the outcome of what DOES offer little hope as it is status quo.
I have experienced many difficult things in life and it is interesting to me the value of staying in …enduring if need be …because frankly …if it were me caught up in deception I would want someone to stay the course and work with me to help me realize my options …
His denial of any kind of change on his part is not necessarily static….
I know the man I married had flaws but to me I married him making the decision that I would stay in the relationship for ‘better or worse’
We married with nothing but our hard work and respect for God and each other . The skills to keep growing were being learned UNTIL he changed course by way of the people he was working with when his career changed…if not that it MAY have been something else ..since faith in the Lord REQUIRES that one stay faithful to doing what is necessary to GROW in faith and knowledge and thus experience how sweet that faith is.
NO one can MAKE anyone else believe or continue to follow a course of faith …He exchanged his faith in God when something else became easier. That is a loss for him …for me and for our family as well as those he decided to enter into relationship of this kind with .
I find that I am not proud of my walk so much as intentionally aware of the needs I have to continue to grow …a new partner would not necessarily be any kind of improvement or escape …just another challenge ….and I DO like to be growing and developing within marriage despite the challenges and some times heartbreak.
Would I choose to leave him if he were paraplegic? or a victim of alzehmers ..? or some other debilitating circumstance?
NO …would I be happy ? Probably not …would there be joy….sometimes…would there be cause to leave him in the DITCH or should I perhaps continue to offer a hand up ….as I too endeavor to remember the good and the man who was once too proud of his integrity to fall into this ditch!
I think often that those of us who are going through this kind of thing are most of the time trying to reconcile the memory of the person who once stood so tall that we felt that their love for themselves would never allow them to fall so low…
So anyway …as usual I am ‘sharing ‘ too much …
Anyway Thanks for your comments …I will consider them further for the intent you seemed to have to want me to learn to focus upon the upside of things more than the things that are not so uplifting .