You may have caught yourself commenting how your cheating spouse “is not the man or woman you married”. When you make such comments, you are seeing that they have made some major changes.
Some changes come with age, which are to be expected. The kind of changes you don’t expect are those that come with affairs.
The affair changes the cheater. The changes occur at both the macro and micro levels and every level in-between.
They are changed chemically, with alterations on a molecular level. They change in their moods, behavior, morals and thinking.
You’ll often notice the changes before you are consciously aware of the affair. The changes are often your first indication of an affair having occurred. It’s important to notice the changes rather than dismiss them.
Those changes are indications of a major shift that has occurred.
Part of the reality that you have to confront is that with them having changed, you’ll have to change your way of dealing with them. The old ‘them’ is gone.
They old them is not coming back. When you realize that you are dealing with a new spouse and what goes with that, you will be better equipped to deal with them.
In the download, “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I guide you in dealing with the new version of your spouse. You’ll discover ways of confronting them and bypassing their defenses. You’ll need ways of dealing with the changes in the cheater.
Each interaction doesn’t have to turn into a fight or struggle. When you have the right tools, you can move past those situations easier.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
This is true and very disturbing. Life offers us so many areas that we must adjust to . Getting older, suddenly finding we can no longer do the things we used to do is only one area and really ‘minor’ when compared with dealing with aging issues AND the reality of a past life in marriage that did not really exist!
Also I tend to be very open and up front with my husband and always have made the effort to hide nothing according to the way I was to understand a marriage relationship. He has hidden his other life and his intentional building of a separate identity from the very first in our marriage apparently with the idea that as long as he was skilled at making me feel loved or at least that he cared about me that he could do anything that he wanted to .
I was brought up to not pry into other’s lives and to await being invited into their various activities and thoughts. It was a long long wait with my husband from finding out what he did and did not like to eat to learning what he was like before I met him. I had to observe a lot and keep my ears open at family functions where I would often be surprised with information about his behavior and activities in school, with friends and family, He simply was not prone to talk about himself. I talked freely of my life and my faith.
This difference did not seem to be a problem before marriage , He had shared a lot about his feelings for me and his passion for his various interests . Marriage seemed to signal to him to keep all of his thoughts and feelings to himself. He would share his tastes and activities very sparingly.
His love for developing secret relationships with either gender seemed ‘natural’ to him as if his wife had no right to get into his life.
Since D Day his sorrow over his behavior has waned as he has been busy building his business and investing his energy and efforts in building the relationship with the children of the OW . When at home he is very subdued at the computer, sleeping in his chair, and sleeping up stairs in a separate bedroom.
His interaction with me is very sparse and almost formal. He barely comes near me except to peck me on the head as he leaves to go to bed. No touching other than that . Morning departure is a mumbled ‘see you tonight’ as he leaves the house to go to work. He does not answer emails, or texts which I have reduced . I do not call him unless there is a necessity.
He has told me that as far as he is concerned he has done too much damage to me and our marriage and his life has been a complete wreckage . I have tried to open discussions of what has been given…forgiveness but also that there is a great need for effort to interact and to learn of all the things that are needed to heal and deal with our lives . He does not want to and does not believe there is any point.
He has told me many times he would like to die in his sleep and be done with life. I remind him that he has children that he cares for and that need him . I have not been nasty to him
However any discussion where any mention is made of the OW becomes one where he is angry and sullen.
I feel that he has realized how manipulative this woman was and that he now projects this same kind of dynamic upon me even though I have made it my deliberate effort throughout my life to never manipulate anyone . I always felt that if I needed to manipulate anyone to do what I wanted that it was not worth it ….I feel I am worth being treated honestly and also I respect others . I don’t want or need anyone in my life that I have had to manipulate to be there!
I think that when a person practices deceit and lying and in his case HE manipulated our whole family ..that they are going to be PRONE to suspect others of the same kind of behavior they have practices.
I expected him to be open and honest and he has not proven to be so …I find that I still treat him with openness and honesty yet every so often his ways remind me that I should not trust him at all .
It is funny how he gets upset whenever someone else does something in relation to him at work or else where that he discovers is sneaky and yet he has been so all of our marriage! As my mother used to say ‘ It depends whose OX is being gored’ !
Presently his relationship with the children of the adultery is one of deceit yet he does not believe it is a problem because they are ‘too young’ to know all the facts about what he and their mother did.
This may be so but I felt that of all people ‘qualified’ to speak up about the dangers and destructiveness of lying and sexual sin he would be ….they are now 10 and 13 and have NO training or teaching about morality or God, except the new agism and worship of mother earth.
The attitude their mother has infected in them is hatred for Jesus Christ which is no surprise given that she was in my home and in the process of sharing what we were doing in homeschooling and touching upon the faith aspect of my life …she went forth and stepped up her efforts to get children from my husband .
This is a time of great opposition to all things Christian.
My husband is certainly NOT the man I married . It did not take long for him to depart from the faith just as soon as his daytime interactions involved many who have no faith whatsoever or are lukewarm at best. The world presently is continuing down a path of destruction of marriage, family, love , and any of the godly attributes that would heal and supply stability in lives. The primary ORDER of GOD and godly living are not just under attack but seem to now be almost UNKNOWN even among those who say they follow Christ.
Knowledge of the order of how to live godly and the reason to bother is nearly a lost knowledge it seems ….at least from what I have been able to search out.
Dear DrJeff, his Lovely wife Peggy and Friends!
Just thought I had better bring you up to speed.
I finally left and am now temporarily at my parent’s home—(in TX, by the way, DrJeff!)
Was able to get down here in time to celebrate their anniversary with family that I have not seen for some time due to the distress of dealing with my disordered ‘narcisstic nincompoop’! So refreshing!
I have no plans of returning to my home. In fact, have only heard from him once in the 10 days since I left. I did not inform him in anyway that I was leaving or if / when I would return—-just waited until he was at work and packed up!
He did call but was civil, as my Dad has had some health issues recently & I used that as my reason for taking off without notice. Was so much less stressful that way…….
So, here l am, much relieved and finally had the time to touch base with all of you.
Take care…….more later……Love to all!!!
Sherri,
Thank you for the update. I am glad that you are safe. Decisions such as yours are not easy ones to make. I continue praying for you during such a change. Easter is a great time for new beginnings.
DrJeff,
Thank you so much!
Yes, these decisions are not to be made friviously. If we did, we would be just like the adulterer who views all things in life friviously. (not sure of my spelling!)
Love to all…..