Are you forgiving too early?Although you may have been encouraged to forgive the cheater, you not have been told the dangers of doing so. When you let them know that they’ve been forgiven, many cheaters quit working on resolving the affair.
They treat your forgiveness like a ‘Get out of jail free‘ card. It gives them permission to return to the way they were living.
When they know they’re forgiven, the tension which motivated many of their reconciliation behavior is gone. When the tension is removed, they often loose motivation to make changes.
The forgiveness stops the transformational changes which had started.
You don’t like pain or tension, yet pain is important for many people. It’s only when experience the tension and discomfort that they make changes. When their lives are without discomfort or pain, they don’t change.
For people like this, pain is necessary. Removing the pain takes away motivation for making changes. It could be that one of the reasons that there do not seem to be any changes is that the cheater has no motivation to make changes.
If you have forgiven them, don’t let them know that until they repent and turn from what they have been doing. Forgiveness is powerful and it is a necessary part of healing, yet when it happens before the issues are identified and resolution underway, it could be undermining the marriage you are wanting to have.
The video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” provides more helpful guidance in dealing with forgiveness.
Best Regards,
Jeff
9 Responses
In the scriptures we are commanded to forgive and to even LOVE our enemies. As I studied this important aspect of the WALK we are to have as those who FOLLOW Jesus Christ in our new indentity of acknowledging Him as our Lord and Savior I came upon the understanding that GOD has PROVIDED forgiveness but man must ENTER INTO IT …to RECEIVE it.
Being forgiven has been taught or understood more in the context of how I think your post has offered.
We ARE forgiven from the time our redemption was provided from the cross …”IT is FINISHED” was Jesus statement. He finished all that was necessary to satisfy the just judgment of God upon sin.
You do make the point that being forgiven is NOT SUPPOSED to make us ‘free’ to go on living in the way we have previously lived …IN sin…but we are to then acknowledge whatever is sin as we go along and have it exposed to us from the Word as we learn from Him and thus are ‘equipped’ with the ‘eyesalve ‘ to SEE what it is that GOD has identified as the KILLER of all …SIN .
We do not seek out ways to ‘get away’ with any kind of condition that we may have become comfortable with in our previous state of not knowing Christ but recognizing sin’s darkening qualities in all aspects of our lives…in the mind it blinds, which causes us to ‘step into ditches’ without having been aware of it.
Forgiveness of GOD is to be passed along to others as we have received it …but as you say …when someone is TOLD that they are forgiven they need to understand that trust and thus respect is going to have to be BUILT in order for them to be restored.
In scripture ‘repentance’ is not something MAN drums up but it is GRANTED by GOD for the purpose of causing ongoing growth in righteousness which comes from the WORD of righteousness…as 2 Tim 3:16 states ….ALL scripture God breathed and is PROFITABLE FOR ..doctrine, reproof and correction …which IS INSTRUCTION in righteousness.
Jesus told us that we are to CONTINUE in His words that we may be considered HIS disciples INDEED. His guiding us into the ways that are right is a necessity for CHANGE or transformation…as in ” Be ye TRANSFORMED BY …the renewing of your minds”
The mind of man is to be TRANSFORMED….in the world people without the word in mind or caring about it WILL BE CONFORMED to this world’s ways .
Change from the heart happens when the sorrow over our condition is of a ‘godly sort’ ….but there is also a sorrow ‘unto death’ that arises when a person is unwilling to acknowledge the depth of his NEED FOR the SAVIOR .
Rejection of the truth and the way GOD has set forth the MEANS for change is a demonstration that repentance has not come about . This goes back to that person NOT having true sorrow over the sin but having sorrow for the sin being condemned as such.
The changes needed within come from a heart that is truly acknowledging the depth of the damage sin does to themselves as well as others.
It seems to me that those who are invested in their own abilities to change are going to miss the mark completely …They may change their actions but their heart remains in a state of pride as long as they refuse to take time to evaluate their whole life in terms of how they gave themselves permission to do such things and then seek to learn how they might overcome THAT state which is demonstrated as a self confidence in their own fleshly ability.
In the section where we see Jesus speaking of forgiveness he is talking to his followers …as you have pointed out those who are invested in pride will see forgiveness as a ‘free pass’ to change.
We obey GOD because HE is our Lord and due that respect ….we forgive for Christ’s sake but that does not mean reconciliation has taken place. It sets the stage for reconciliation.
Just as the offer of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ sets the stage for our having a personal growing relationship with Him. If we do not follow through with our part in relating to Him and with Him then there is little of the way BEING IN Him is going to be evidenced or experienced.
Though we may obey and forgive those who sin against us , the way THEY understand forgiveness may hinder the purpose of it just as our perception of Jesus Christ is hindered by ignorance of what HE has revealed about Himself or perhaps wrong teaching that we may have had that skews our perception of Him even as we read the Word.’
Asking HIM for bringing about the kind of heart hungry for His words and the changes He will enable in us as we obey going forward is most important to our being able to see as we ought to see all things as He sees them .
The adulterer who is brought to repentance I believe is one who has been brought to see his need for the Savior …otherwise the efforts to change are only ‘skin deep’ and are limited in scope and power.
MHO
Zaza,
Thank you for your response. We are commanded to forgive. My experience is that first, most people do not understand forgiveness. They may ‘say’ they forgive, but in reality, they have not let go of the offense. Secondly, they often jump in and forgive before they know what they are ‘forgiving’ in which case, they are cheating themselves and their spouses by being dishonest.
Third is that many cheaters and their spouses are not at the point of spiritual maturity to apply forgiveness the way that they were supposed to. A closely related point is that not only may their spiritual maturity not be at that point, their spiritual motivation needs to be considered as well.
To elaborate, verses meant to being comfort and healing become weapons and obstacles when applied to the either the wrong population or at the wrong time. The application of Bible verses has to be done carefully. With some members of the population it is a great thing, some others need instruction, some need encouraging words, some need emotional connection, etc. Knowing which population you are dealing with is important in knowing which approach to take.
Your response is very correct, yet way beyond the grasp of many hurting people. Had the couple been at that point of spiritual maturity, the likelihood of the affair happening would have been small, since they would have known better.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
I want to honor all of you who are the nurturers who have diligently cared for your families …husbands, and children.
Motherhood is work that, though difficult and ‘inconvenient’ at times, is the most rewarding and important among privileges given to human beings.
It is a ‘test ‘ like no other of our strength, fortitude and patience, and for that, it is one aspect of living life that is both encouraging, and exasperating which will bring us before God in the recognition of our need and His loving supply . It grows gratitude.
It is a means of humbling context .
In the company of a mother the foundation of future societies are formed.
No matter how difficult life may be from time to time it is being a mother that seems to make all sacrifices made in this calling worthwhile.
In a section of scripture, the Word of GOD speaks of children as being ” like young olive trees” that grow up and support the heavy branches of the ‘parent’ tree.
This is a picture of the way parents give their life to the raising up and training of their children, and then as the children mature they offer support to the aging parents.
Olive trees have demonstrated strength and endurance down through time, younger trees entwine the parent tree.
The design and order of a loving Father whose intention for marriage, family and life is distinct in having provided for us care throughout our lives as we follow His way.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Psalm 128:1-4
128:1 Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord; that walketh in his ways.
2 For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands:
happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee.
3 Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house:
thy children like olive plants round about thy table.
4 Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the Lord.
Biblical Trees Survive After 900 Years
OCT 22, 2012 10:49 AM ET //
BY ROSSELLA LORENZI
http://news.discovery.com/earth/olive-trees-jesus-121022.htm
Olive trees in the Jerusalem garden where Jesus Christ prayed before he was crucified have “miraculously” lived through the past nine centuries bacteria-free, according to a molecular research presented last week at the Vatican Radio in Rome.
Carried by a team of researchers from Italy’s National Research Council (CNR) and various Italian universities, the three-year study investigated eight gnarled olive trees in the Garden of Gethsemane, one of the holiest sites of Christendom.
The research found that three of the eight healthy trees (the only ones on which it was technically possible to carry out the dating) come from the middle of the 12th century, although the roots underground are certainly much older.
“These olives are among the oldest broad-leaved trees in the world,” lead researcher Antonio Cimato of the CNR’s Tree and Timber Institute in Florence, said.
Carbon dating showed that the trees come from the years 1092, 1166 and 1198, a period when the Crusaders, engaged in the reconstruction of the great churches of the Holy Land, re-built the Basilica of Gethsemane in Jerusalem.
According to the researchers, it is likely that during the construction of the church, the olive garden was rearranged and renovated.
Indeed, olive trees can grow back after being cut down or even burnt.
DNA analysis of the eight trees revealed they were all related to a single, older tree.
“All eight trees have similar genetic profiles, meaning they are olive ‘twins,’ all children of a single specimen,” Cimato said.
According to the researcher, this means the olives were not spontaneous trees, but were deliberately planted.
Why did the Crusaders choose one single tree, among the thousands
growing in Jerusalem? Were they trying to preserve a specific,
meaningful lineage? Are the olives linked to the
very trees under which, according to the gospel of Luke, Jesus sweat drops of blood as he prayed?
The questions will remain unanswered, according to Cimato.
“Finding the original tree is impossible,” he said.
Despite their age, the 900-year-old olive trees were found in excellent health, unaffected by lead pollution and bacteria.
Amazingly, the garden’s earth appears to block insects and bacterial proliferation.
“I would call it a small miracle,” Cimato said.
I like the olive tree story. It is fascinating in light of there being a local olive yard near here. They truly are some amazing plants. When the Spanish came to the New World, one of the things they brought with them were olives and olive trees.
Good points re forgiveness which is often demonstrated in ways that do allow for those in need of it to feel they have a ‘free pass’ so it is a topic in great need of instruction as well as discussion . Much damage has been done in the name of forgiveness without sound doctrine.
Believers often are taught less that what is useful in how this goes. How true ..I personally find it some kind of “tightrope’ as my husband’s perception of this ….and part of that is after giving themselves many ‘rationalizations’ to go ahead…have far more ‘practice’ in excusing themselves from the work and duty of one who is or has been forgiven.
Hence your sharing of how many times it turns into a repeat ‘performance ‘ of deceit only more efficient than what got exposed in the first D DAY.
This is sadly a state of the heart of one who knows not and/or has been led to deny or reject God in the first place as you said.
….Olive Trees.
I did not know that these were planted in Oregon ….where are they ? I love how the Word has so many interesting aspects about life on this earth …despite it’s fallen state….
So hope your mother’s day was one that gave that glory to GOD as I suspect you enjoyed…
Your wife is a treasure as you know …and I ‘ll bet you have enjoyed discovering all the good that GOD invested for a husband to find in her!
Hugs to HER!
Zaza,
You are right, many believers do not know all they need to about forgiveness. The word and its usage have been distorted over time, and most believers have not studied Scripture enough to fully grasp forgiveness and what it means to them and their marriages.
I hope that you had a wonderful Mother’s Day as well. Ours was quiet and relaxing.
In regards to olive trees. I was not aware that they were in Oregon either. We live in Texas and it has been surprising that there has have been an increasing number of olive yards here. It only makes sense that the soil and climate approximates that of Southern Italy that olives would do well here.
oo I guess I thought you were in Oregon! Hahah….I guess I better visit Texas!
We had a quiet day ..watched some of the sports my husband enjoys….The Stanley Cup , the Golf tournament …baseball …..but he was good in participating …took our daughters out the day before doing things that they enjoy then they all took me to go to a music store . I wanted to buy a blues harp to start up playing again for my own enjoyment. I do not like to go to that section of our area since that is the area where the OW lives . It is not likely I would come in contact with her but I do not want to run into her at all …so I don’t go on that side of the area.
So I am once again enjoying the way playing the harmonica works to express your emotions, skills and is also good for your breathing and actually is better than botox [ugh who would us that !] on the lips….mmmmmm good for the whole person..So I am going to get back into playing it …it is also portable…..I used to carry one everywhere with me…
I thought about that nursery rhyme….”Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes and she shall have music wherever she goes…” Harmonica was a good way to have that ..
Joy in the “simple” things ..
“music wherever she goes”, and this before the days of the ipod.
well….harmonica is healthy too …breath control…deep breathing….ear training ….expression….lots to love …don”t have an ipod….guess I “R ‘ one! heeehee…