A friend of mine was in the midst of having an affair. Let us call her Doris. Although Doris was keeping the affair secret from many people, her kids knew. Being that her children were aware, one of them began acting out his frustrations. He shows defiant behavior and experienced trouble with all his female teachers. Sadly, since Doris kept the affair secret, his behavior was attributed to other causes, leading to him being medicated.
Doris’ son ended up being put on medication and having a reputation as a ‘problem child’. After having her son diagnosed and medicated, she was able to continue with her affair without feeling any guilt or having to face the consequences.
The story of Doris is more common than I would like. With affairs, there are often consequences. When affairs impact a family, one of the members often carries a majority of the symptoms that something is wrong. The family member becomes the center of attention. What should be seen as a cry of help or a symptom of a bigger problem is instead viewed as the symptom of that child’s problem and quickly medicated. The wrong problem was addressed. Whoever did the diagnosing did not look at the big picture. Symptoms need to be considered in the big picture when you are dealing with an affair. There may be a member of the family who is carrying the pain for everyone. The one carrying the pain is often seen as the problem. They may be where the symptoms are happening, but they are not the cause of the whole dysfunction. When dealing with family problems, there is often a BIG difference between the cause and where the pain is showing up. Pain is a symptom that something is wrong. When something is wrong, you need discernment in identifying what the source of the problem is.
Affairs impact the whole family. You may assume that because the affair happens behind closed doors that the effects of the affair are kept inside. You are mistaken. The effects of the affair extend way beyond the door. They extend into the hearts and lives of each member of the family. When the affair is kept secret, they may think that something is wrong with them. They sense the dysfunction, the alliances, the withdrawal of affection, the alienation, the change of mood and they assume that it is them. Children often assume that everything is due to them. The family is changed and they are egotistical enough to assume it is their fault. Many cheaters, wanting to avoid blame/shame/etc. are more than willing to allow their children to assume the dysfunctional role rather than themselves.
So in assuming that your affair or the affair of your spouse had little impact on the children, you may need to re-think things. There may be more damage than you realize.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
