When the cheater tells you “I can’t control what I am doing,” that “something just comes over me”, you may be tempted to classify in the same category as animal droppings. Rather than throw the ‘baby out with the bathwater’, you may want to listen to what they are telling you.
What they’re telling you may have more truth to it than you first assumed.
The choice to cheat is never a good one. With some people, having will power and resisting temptation is not enough.
They may not want to have the affair, yet something clicks in their body and it suddenly works against their will power. They experience intense internal sensations that often overwhelm their thinking.
It is like their body suddenly becomes super charged and bypasses their brain along with the ability to make good choices. When they tell you that they could not control what they were doing, they may have been telling you the truth.
Dealing with this kind of affair requires a different approach than used in dealing with a cheater who plans out, seeks out, and acts out an affair. When you are dealing with the “something just comes over me” affair, there is a good likelihood that chemistry is at work.
When you are dealing with the effects of strong chemicals, the answer to the situation requires more than just will power. There are several types of persons with chemical issues.
Those with early life trauma, especially sexual traumas often experience the release of strong chemicals within their body and brain. The release of these internal chemicals often act like triggers. Once the trigger is pulled, they loose control.
All you can do at that point is strap yourself in for the ride. There are some cases where trauma in their adult life also brings about such changes.
With cases of PTSD, or extreme trauma you’re dealing with chemicals (including hormones) that trigger intense memories and out of control behavior as well. The trauma category is also where those individuals who have been victims of mind control would fall.
Besides the internal chemical changes triggered by trauma, there are also some cheaters of the “something just comes over me,” that are dealing with the the effects of outside chemicals or toxins.
Much like the population that struggles with loosing control after the release of internal chemicals, they also struggle with the effects of chemicals, although the source is from external sources.
Some of the chemicals impact the level of sex drive, the amount impulse control, memory and thinking. The exact area impacted often varies with the chemical involved and whether or not their brain functioning was optimal.
When you combine attention deficits with chemicals, the potential for problems is high. Although there is debate about whether attention deficit came before the exposure to chemicals or after, in either case, and whatever the cause of the impaired impulse control and impaired thinking, the introduction of outside chemicals, especially those that effect the nervous system increases the risk of affairs.
So when the cheater tells you that “Something just came over them. ” you don’t want to dismiss it. Listen to what they are telling you.
It may be the start of understanding them. When chemicals are at work, the victim often struggles putting their experience into words. It is not a matter of being evasive or playing games, they often experience difficulty putting what happens inside of them into words.
The cheater still needs to assume responsibility for what they did. The chemicals may have contributed and triggered it, but they made choices as well.
If your cheater needs help with starting the healing process, the video “Help for the Cheater” will get them started.
Best Regards,
Jeff
