Where is your pain coming from?

When it comes to the affair, have you ever considered ‘where’ the pain is coming from? In all likelihood, the bulk of your pain comes from your own ‘interpretation’ of what happened rather than what actually occurred.  Your mind may have bent, twisted and distorted what has been said and done to the point that there is a huge gap between the reality of what happened and what you imagine happened.  There may be a big difference between what factually occurred and your interpretation of what occurred. To some of you, this may seem to be a startling shock. The truth is that it is often our ‘interpretation’ of events often cause us more pain than the events themselves, including affairs. In your mind, you make connections of the affair with emotions, thoughts and motives that are concoctions of your own mind, rather than being based on facts.

Yes, they cheated. Yes, the violated their promises. Yet, it is often your interpretation of the event that brings the bulk of your pain.  I am not blaming you for the affair. The cheater made some bad choices. They did you wrong. What I want is for you to understand where your pain is coming from and taking steps to reduce it. I want you to be able to move past the pain. To move past your pain, you need to do work at the source of the pain.

When you know where your pain is coming from, you are better able to know what to do about it. When your pain comes from what is going on in your own mind, then the solution lies in starting making changes with yourself. Once those changes are done, then you can focus on encouraging the cheater to make changes. Too often people want to ‘change’ the cheater or the lover, assuming that such changes are going to remove your pain and change everything. If you were able to magically change them, it would likely not take away your pain. It may help you feel good for a short period, but it will not remove the bulk of your pain. The simple truth of  “in order to reduce the pain, you have to go to the source of the pain” is what you need to consider.

For example, they (for illustration, say Tom and Sue) did have the affair. You mind may be telling you that they have ‘rejected you’, that ‘they did it on purpose’, that ‘they ________’.  Such statements are filled with your own assumptions. Rejection hurts, intentional hurt is painful, yet you may be the one assuming that the affair was about ‘rejection’ and ‘intentional hurt’.  If that is the case, you are burdening yourself with additional hurt of your own making. When those messages become twisted into your reactions to the affair, it complicates the situation and makes it more emotionally explosive. The added drama may make the situation so toxic that you are unable to resolve the affair situation.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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