When an affair happens, it is natural that you look for someone to blame. It is possible to find a something or other object to put blame on, yet in most cases, you want a person. You want a particular individual to blame for what happened. Even though the affair was a situation that involved more than one person, you still look for that one person to point your finger at and say, “You are the reason!” If you find that person, and if you put all the blame on them, then what do you do next. After the blaming, what do you do?
After you attach the blame, then comes the time to begin fixing the problem, assuming that it is fixable. Although you found the person to blame, the person who is ‘responsible’ for making changes and fixing things may be very different than the person who is to blame. In this case, blaming and being responsible are two separate matters. Each has a different purpose. Each has a different task to perform. The person who takes on the responsibility for fixing things is taking action. They have the power. They are ‘undoing’ the affair. The blame game only takes tension out of the air, the fixing of your marriage requires effort, responsibility, and maturity. Blaming does not require much effort, or responsibility or maturity. Sure it makes you feel better for a few moments, but it does not fix anything.It gives you the illusion that something has changed or is made better at some level. All it has done is painted a target on one of the players.
Moving forward with recovery can be done without blaming. Moving forward with recovery is more important than blaming. It is also more important that a person assumes the responsibility for the affair by their own conscience than you coating them with blame for what happened. When they come to that realization on their own, it will accomplish more than you can by putting them on a guilt trip about the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
