[Affair Recovery Radio] Listening to the Cheater’s Story

It’s hard listening to the cheater tell their story. Although hard, it’s a necessary part of affair recovery.

Listening to the cheater’s story <<– listen to the audio here

Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad you’re with me this evening.

Tonight’s topic that we’re going to be dealing with is one that each of you are eventually going to have to come face to face with. And that is listening to the cheater’s story.

Eventually you’re going to have to hear them out and they’re going to have to hear you out. Tonight we’re going to be talking about when it comes time for you to listen to their story, because it is hard, listening to them tell their story. You may have difficulty agreeing with their take on things, you may have difficulty agreeing with many aspects of their story. And it’s going to trigger many emotional reactions inside of you.

Since everyone eventually has to deal with it I felt like this was a topic that needed some attention. Although it is hard, it is a necessary part of affair recovery. Because you’re going to have to take steps to improve communication. If you never hear them out that’s going to stifle the communication and keep it from ever improving.

If communication is going to improve it has to be a two-way street. They’ve got to hear you and your needs, and in turn you’ve got to hear them and their needs.

When it comes time for you to listen to the cheater’s story I’ve got some suggestions here for you to go ahead and put into place to make the whole situation go much smoother.

Number one, in listening to the cheater put your focus on understanding rather than agreement. One mistake many people do is they think in terms of agreement rather than trying to understand. They feel like gee, if I listen to him then that means I agree and approve of what happened. No it doesn’t. All it means is that you listened to them.

You’re going to listen to try to understand what they did and why they did it, rather than whether or not your agree with them. There will be plenty of times to talk about that later. If you start looking for the agreement the first time that they’re talking, you’re going to have problems. So that’s why I want to say it’s more important to get an understanding rather than agreement.

Number two, avoid interrupting and correcting them. You may not agree with their version of the story, but when you start interrupting them and correcting them that’s going to send a very strong message that you really don’t want to hear them out.

That puts you in a situation where you say on one hand you want to listen to them, but your actions say much louder, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to believe my own version.

You may feel that way, but this is why it’s going to be important that you just go ahead and let them talk. Without interrupting or correcting them.

If you do need to ask them questions, if you do need to speak up, go back to number one which is understanding. Ask questions that focus on clarity. To clarify what’s going on, not for argumentation. Big difference in asking questions for clarity versus trying to pick a fight.

Emotions are going to be raw when you hear each other’s story out, and since the emotions are going to be very raw and defensiveness will be high, the risk for getting into a fight and getting into an argument, at this time, is very high. With that being the case I want you to go ahead and put these steps into place to keep it from being more volatile than it needs to be.

Besides the avoiding interrupting and correcting them, because you’re their spouse, you’re not their parent, you want to listen like an English teacher. I’m not trying to put you in the parent role here. When I say listen like an English teacher I’m fixing to explain that.

What that means, you listen. In terms of things like point of view, common themes, conflicts, problem solving, much like you listen to a person telling a story. You look at them telling their affair story. Are they telling it in first person, or are they telling it second person. This can give you some clues as to what’s going on and how much responsibility they really are owning about things.

If they’re talking about it as if they’re watching all the action happening but they’re distancing themselves, that’ll tell you one thing. If there’s common themes, like if some of their drunk work buddies or work friends or girlfriends, are always part of the story that may give you a clue as to where some of the difficulties lie.

You also want to listen for the conflict. Because in dealing with affairs somebody that is jumping into an affair to avoid an unpleasant situation, or avoid a conflict, is very different than somebody who is purposely going out with the full intent I’m going to sleep with someone else other than my spouse. You need to regard that.

In terms of problem solving, how do they go about solving the problem? We know that their solution was the affair, because affairs are always solutions to problems. And you may have to do a little bit of digging to find out what is the problem that the affair fixed. It’s not a good fix, but it’s a fix that they chose and you’re going to have to undo that.

If you go ahead and listen this way you’re going to get more out of it. And this way it’ll be much more productive, because some couples, they go over the story again and again and again and again, and they feel like they’re running in circles. And in many ways they are. When I sit down with them, what are they doing?

Well, they’re trying to get agreement. And no, they’re never going to agree. They’re doing things like interrupting and correcting each other, and since each person has their own perspective as to what’s going on and their own idea of what is the truth, there’s a lot of room for fighting and not much room for agreement.

Because our main goal, let me remind you again, is recovery from the affair. Not keeping the fight going, not all these other issues, not getting your spouse to bow down and kiss your feet and agree with everything you say, because that’s not going to happen. What is going to happen is the two of you are going to have to take some steps to change your relationship.

You can only change what you’re aware of, and listening to their story, it can open up a new awareness of what your spouse needs or where your spouse is making some bad calls. That way you’ll know what it is that you really need to deal with.

This will get you started, and these are things that, in many ways, need a little bit of practice. So before you have the big talk I encourage you, make some adjustments in your mindset and practice some of these things beforehand.

Because if you take off right after the radio session this evening and want to have that big talk and try to put these things into place, it will go smoother than it would have, but with some practice it’ll go much better.

If you’re the cheater and need help understanding the importance of disclosure and your Cheater’s story, the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” will help you gain perspective on this.

Best Regards,

Jeff