When your husband wants you to sleep with another woman, you’ve got problems.
When they request you do something like that, it puts you in a moral dilemma if you are not naturally attracted to women.
Should you do ‘whatever’ to please your husband, or stand by your moral convictions?
If you feel that sleeping with another woman isn’t something you’re comfortable with, what do you do?
That’s a dilemma that you should not have to consider or deal with. It messes with your head, your heart and your marriage. When your husband takes you beyond your sexual comfort zone by violating the exclusivity boundaries of your marriage, there is reason for caution.
Some men have fantasies that they can service more than one woman. Your husband may be one of those men with such fantasies.
With artificial stimulants, your husband may be able to perform inhuman tasks. Although they can physically perform like superman, that does not ease the guilt, shame and emotional consequences of such actions.
Sleeping with another woman is adulterous. The cheater may call it being adventurous, expanding your sexual horizons, part or your sexual education or some other label. The bottom line is that the manage a trois is nothing more than another form of an affair.
It may turn him on, but that will not do much to reduce your guilt and shame. The cheaters that encourage such behavior may not fully comprehend the mental and emotional bind it puts you in when they request this of you.
Don’t be surprised if you find yourself taking Xanax, anti-anxiety medications or tranquilizers in coping with the guilt and shame. Although the drugs temporarily over ride your conscience, eventually the consequences catch up.
Your body knows and remembers. You may not remember everyone you’ve slept with, but your body does.
If they are aware of those binds, then you have a huge problem in terms of how sexual activity and stimulation have totally replaced love and compassion.
Some of you may consider sleeping with another woman ‘not quite adultery’, since there is no coitus. You’re fooling yourself. The intense feelings, and the biochemical activity associated with it creates emotional bonds. Bonding occurs with same-sex experiences as well as opposite sex relationships.
You are setting yourself up for some unnatural bonding experiences and emotional confusion that will plague you for years to come. Even in the event that you get drunk enough or ingest enough drugs to numb you out so that you can ‘silence’ your conscience.
Eventually the emotional baggage from what happened will catch up with you. In the event that your husband does not use it against you, there will still be a feeling of being ‘defiled’ and ‘dirty’ that lingers long after what happened.
When such requests are made, it is a sign that your marriage needs help. The kind of help it needs does not include sleeping with another woman as the solution. The saying “The problem is the not the problem, the problem is the solution” applies here. The solution of another woman is going to create more issues than it solves.
If you find yourself struggling with these issues, you’ll want the video, “Relationship Trauma for Swingers” in helping you through it. The swinger lifestyle has unique needs and experiences not everyone understands. Those experiences require special help.
Best Regards,
Jeff
10 Responses
This article didn’t really cover the issue of a husband suggesting he is “ fine†with his wife kissing or having sex with another woman, in fact he would like it even if he wasn’t involved.
This is what my husband said to me the other day.
I have never even suggested I would want to be with a woman and have always said I would never have a threesome.
I am concerned as to why he would want this?
Elle,
Thank you for your comment. I don’t go too deep or cover all the aspects of each topic. Although I would like to, many readers are doing well in handling one thing at a time. I don’t want to overwhelm with TMI (too much information).
I would be concerned with what your husband said as well. his comment has some voyeuristic qualities to it.
I don’t know your husband enough to say why he would want this. I can share a few items with you though.
Many men entertain the fantasy that they can satisfy two of more women simultaneously. They act on that fantasy by wanting their wife to sleep with another woman.
There is also the voyeuristic element for some men. They are aroused watching two women. If this is the case, I would wonder if there has been a consumption of pornography. He may be wanting to act out something he has seen and was aroused by. In such a case, he’s acting out a fantasy MORE than being aroused by you. Ideally, you want him interested in you rather than some kind of voyeuristic or vicarious dynamic. This situations can be highly arousing, yet end up damaging your relationship in the long run.
There is also the possibility of subtle sexual addiction tendencies showing up.
Whatever the cause, it activates a flashing yellow warning light for me.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Hi Jeff! Thank you for your article. I’m having a similar situation. I’ve been having a long distance relationship with a man for a while now, I really love him but there’s something I’m worried about. I haven’t been with anyone else before, I’m more conservative in these matters of sex, like I need some bond to feel attraction and I’ve found that with him but he insists he wants another women to satisfy me (we haven’t even slept together), I’m not into women, I’ve told him that but he insists. Also he’s obsessed with rough/porn sex talk or insisting on doing things I’ve told him I can’t. Are these just fantasies or should I be cautious? Thank you!
Amanda,
Thank you for writing to me about your situation. On reading through your situation, you should be CAUTIOUS about things You want him to be interested in you and ONLY you if you want a close intimacy and special relationship with the two of you.
Bringing in a third party always has repercussions. One party will be favored over the other. It provides an intense experience. Confusing intensity for intimacy creates problems. It also confuses bonding. The bonding attraction gets confused and misplaced.
I encourage you to stick with what you feel comfortable with. Once the line is crossed into threesomes and rough sex, it takes you down a road that’s not easy recovering from. When you compromise, you can’t go back.
Given his taste for ‘rough porn’ I wonder how he views women. Rough porn also brings in the dynamic of substitution control for love. If he’s rough in the bedroom, what’s to stop him from being violent in other situations?
It’s not just fantasies and talk. Something is feeding into his thinking.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
Thankyou
for your help.I’ve been in a relationship 4yrs and partner assures me he would never touch the other woman. Just wants to see me loved by her. He has actually named some women we know. Therefore I think he fancies them himself. He apologised once and stopped for 10mths.Now its come up again.When we drink too much.. I am so upset but he brushes it aside and tells me I overthink. I told him I feel insecure. He won’t apologise. Justifies that it’s just a fantasy he would never actually do. I take it as disrespect. Thankyou
Lesley,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad that you took what happened as disrespect. Since he mentioned the women the both of you know, it’s likely that he’s been fantasizing about them. If he selects people the both of you know, there’s a lower risk of you objecting to it.
Your partner is definitely slick. He also knows that when there’s a lot of drinks that inhibitions are lower at those times. There’s an old Latin phrase, “In vino veritas” that can be interpreted as when the alcohol flows, the truth comes out.
Instead of building up your sense of security, he’s advocating things that will make your more insecure. Security will increase with commitment to the relationship.
Jeff
My husband has started talking about having a threesome or me having a girlfriend and him watching, I’ve never been with a girl before and I take my marriage very sacred. Because he has been away for 2 weeks we was trying the sexting thing, and even though I told him how a threesome and all made me feel and me trying to get him to focus on what I could do for him it always turns back to another girl being in the picture. He says he’s sorry when I tell him how I feel but it still comes right back up, or he will talk about us going to a strip club together. I feel like I’m not enough at all.
Hope,
Thank you for writing. When your spouse starts desiring threesomes and talking about strip clubs, another woman has already entered their mind, if not their heart as well. Although many men fantasize about threesomes, they end up being destructive. It puts your marriage in an unnatural bind. It puts you in a position where you have to make unnatural choices as well.
It puts your desire to please him in conflict with natural one man-one woman boundaries.
I wonder what is firing up these desires in him. My first suspicion is porn of some sort. His mind is already fantasizing about things outside of your marriage. He’s focusing on sex rather than building intimacy.
You’re right in wanting him to focus on you, instead of other women.
Jeff
Honestly all these complaints about husband’s. If your bothered by your husband simple solution DIVORCE HIM. I’m sorry but I needs to be said
Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have no problem about the complaints about husbands. I realize that many need to vent and share their frustrations. Divorce as a solution only changes the legal status of things. It doesn’t improve relationships or make recovery from an affair easier.