You probably view yourself as a ‘pretty good’ communicator. You may even pride yourself on your ability in expressing yourself.
It’s true that when you’re good at expressing yourself, you’re way ahead of those who are either unable to do so, or can only do it poorly.
It’s also important for you to realize that expressing yourself is only one part of communication. Another BIG part is listening.
You may not be as good a listener as you thought. Sure, you hear what is told you, are you able to pick up on what is being said, along with what the intentions are and what was left out?
Being able to listen well is MORE important that expressing yourself when it comes to relationship communication. When you are not able to listen to your spouse, they don’t feel the closeness of connection.
They don’t feel ‘heard’. When people don’t feel heard, they don’t draw closer to you.
It takes work to really ‘tune into’ what your spouse is telling you. It requires effort, mental clarity, emotional awareness, flexibility and empathy.
Relying on the ability to express yourself puts you on shaky ground. When you are expressing positive emotions, it can work for you. It’s when you express those unpleasant emotions that things get dicey.
The expression of negative emotions pushes others away. The clearer you are at expressing them or the more negative they are, the greater the risk of pushing your spouse away.
The over reliance on self-expression without being able to listen may also lead to accusations of you being bossy or controlling. The terms ‘bossy’ and ‘controlling’ are often used in addressing this pattern.
When your spouse says that you are either bossy or controlling, yet you do not see yourself that way, it could be due more to unbalanced communication. They know what it feels like when communication only goes one way or they do not feel listened to or validated.
In such circumstances, they feel that you are controlling the communication with your agenda, and they would be correct in their assessment of what is going on.
So the next time they say that you are bossy or controlling, it may be due to your unbalanced communication rather than any intentional attempt at dominating what is going on.
If you want more on communication, the download, “Affair Recovery Workshop” goes into ways of bypassing their defense mechanisms along with how to’s for making your communication more effective. Knowing what to say, along with how makes a difference.
You’ll also know what areas are more essential to your relationship than others. Knowing what to bring up and what to avoid goes a long way.
Best Regards,
Jeff
