You will accept my affair!

No one likes being forced into choices. The situation becomes more tragic when a child, who has no voice is forced to accept and tolerate their parent’s affair. The cheating parent literally forces their children to accept what they have done. Not only do they force their children to accept the affair, they often have to show ‘acceptance’ toward the very people who wrecked their family along with being sworn or threatened to keep the secrecy about it.

Those people are now their step parents. The child is then in a double-bind. There are consequences behind any choice they make. If they rebel against what is going on, they are labeled as being a trouble-maker. Those in the role of parent turn matters into an authority issue, when it actually may have been discomfort with the affair and the moral crisis associated with the affair.

By forcing the new parent on them and silencing their opposition to the affair, the children become ticking time bombs. When children are in such situations, is it any wonder that they feel ‘used’ or have no value. Their parents expect them to show respect to the trash that ruined their lives and now they are the ones ignored and treated like trash.

Many cheater force not only their children, but also their families to accept their affairs. It becomes a variant of blackmail, especially in Christian homes. The blackmailer and their accomplices tell the children and other family members that they have to show acceptance and love toward those who knowingly and blatantly violated moral codes. Those expressing disapproval are then viewed as being ‘bad’ or unloving or having bad attitudes.

It is one thing if the cheater asks for forgiveness, but another when their actions are forced on the family. It is as if the whole family get hijacked by the affair. The message is sent “You will accept my affair!” with the threat of ” or else” added for impact in some cases. Make no mistake, this action is a manipulation. The cheater, rather than accept responsibility and deal with the issues related to the affair try to short-circuit the process by forcing the family to accept their choices, and silence the opposition.

Forcing acceptance exploits family relations, it exploits the children, and exploits the bond between parent and child. The popular term ‘estranged parent’ is often used in these situations. It is no wonder that many children wrestle with moral crises when their parents force their own children and family to accept their immoral choices in such a manner. When the immoral behavior is theft or murder, there are laws to deal with the matter, but when it is an affair, the courts are strangely silent.

It is the children who suffer in such situations, carrying the burden of guilt along with the moral confusion of being forced into accepting an immoral situation as suddenly being the new ‘normal’.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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3 Responses

  1. Caught in the crossfire ….an adulterer who does not really want to continue in adultery …not interested in the OW but as the spider spins the web more and more ….he is caught ….

    I see that only turning to the Lord Jesus Christ is the way OUT and UP from such a situation….so far …he does not see this …so the web continues to strangle his perception ….It is not a pretty sight.

    Keeping the kids [ adults] in mind of the skill of the man who lied to us all is difficult but important to bring about his deliverance without them falling prey to the lies that he himself now does not recognize…..it is a mixed bag….the father of lies …the devil is ‘more subtle than any beast of the field” and scripture record frequently that man without the spirit of God is simply FLESH…..’beast’

    Surrendered to the deceiver opens many aspects of thought process to more and more intrusions of thoughts which are from that father of lies….and soon the mind of a person who is entangled more and more and soon cannot imagine that the thoughts he thinks are not his own!

    People under delusions start off by reACTING to EMOTIONAL desire….lust….limerance unbound by morality or godly character.

    The protection of the armor of GOD which is the Word of GOD is essential …man apart from GOD is NOT “equipped’ to deal with such an individual…the Father of LIES …the DEVIL is more crafty and able than man of natural mind…

    So then …the man …or woman who has surrendered to their feelings without examining them or caring to by the spirit of GOD …aka the WORD of GOD …is going to open their minds to influences which are very deceitful.

    God tells us that the heart of man is deceitful above all things and desparately wicked….man himself does not realize this state of his own thinking UNTIL he seeks the truth and allows HE who IS the truth to shine the light upon his own thoughts.

    EVERY thought we have is to be examined in the light of the Word of GOD …or as GOd put it ..”the sword of the spirit which is the word of GOD’

    In truth …new believers may be vulnerable as they enter into this new life due to “Confessing Jesus Christ as LORD and believing in their heart that GOD has raised Him from the dead’ because they do not know much ….God tells us in scripture that “MY people are DESTROYED …for LACK of knowledge’ ….not because we do not have the knowledge of the Word but because we either have not been fully instructed OR we may have taken to heart things that are not confirmed by the Lord as truth from the Bible.

    The largest effort of the father of lies is to attack the confidence that man needs in the Bible to learn and to apply it ..to trust it …Just as Eve was led away from trusting that God was good and had provided all that they needed for a life that was abundant and good.

    Doubting they had all that they needed ..that as God had said He made EVERY tree in the garden good for food and pleasant to the eyes…AND that they did have the attribute of being a ‘god’ in that they could choose to trust and rely upon GOD for all they needed and needed to know OR they could CHOOSE to disobey Him

    The cadence DOWN WARD as Eve replies to the query of the serpent is telling …she left out the word ‘freely’ and added the word ‘touch’ and then changed the word of GOD from an assurance that they would die when they ate of the tree of knowledge of GOOD and EVIL …and it was a very short walk to the disobedience which led to death.

    The devil knows the Word of GOD but he does not know EVERYTHING and cannot read minds…BUT he can insert thoughts through man’s willingness to listen to his arguments and influences….WORDS .

    Man ‘s mind is key to believing in God and to his ongoing growing in wisdom.

    Thus a person without the Word of GOD and without the Spirit of GOD will not realize the vulnerabilities they have to be deceived and then held captive to the ways that the thoughts planted in his mind unaddressed and unrefuted by truth will soon lead him to sin ..and sin to more openness to ideas they do not realize are not their ‘own’ ….and not ‘of GOD ‘ but are from the world , the flesh and the devil.

    The way sin becomes rampent in a society is that it first urges people to tolerate it…then accept it …normalize it …and soon to make the effort to legitimize it

    The more people who go without the knowledge of the truth and the heart that has been turned to the Lord the more people ….become a larger peer group of ‘workers of iniquity ‘ or agents of lawlessness …unknown to them as sin first appears as harmless and alluring …and when the trap door is shut upon a person’s attitude toward hearing anything from GOD or about the Savior ..the are ‘captive..”

    24 And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient,

    25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;

    26 And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, WHO ARE TAKEN CAPTIVE BY HIM AT HIS WILL.

    They do not know ‘what spirit they are OF” …they do not realize where the thoughts they think are coming from …it does not occur to them …for the NATURAL man has no capacity to understand….

    1Cr 2:14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.

    The ONLY way to be delivered of such a state of mind is to SUBMIT to GOD ….To take HEED to the gospel of Jesus Christ which delivers from death and darkness of mind .

    Eph 4:7 But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ.

    8 Wherefore he saith, When he ascended up on high, HE LED CAPTIVITY CAPTIVE, and gave gifts unto men.

    One KEY in staying delivered …is to PUT ON the MIND of Christ …the WORD ..

    Eph 4:17 This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,

    18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:

    19 Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.

    20 But ye have not so learned Christ;

    21 If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus:

    22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;

    “conversation” includes all former variations of the world’s view….we need to begin to think the thoughts that line up with the Truth of GOD …His WORD is given for such a purpose…it protects us from deceit IF we are willing to read it ..study it …ask GOD for understanding and apply it to our lives in every way….

    23 And be renewed in the spirit of your MIND;

    24 And that ye PUT ON the NEW MAN, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.

    25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

    Here is another ‘assignment’ that is useful for us to realize what and where the thoughts we have are coming from and what the outcome is from following them…as demonstrated and recorded in the Bible about real , historical people who either did what GOD said …or not and the outcome..

    To avoid the harm and pain to ourselves and others it is WISE to do what this says.

    2Cr 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

    This is to be a DELIBERATE active process of taking time and to paying attention to what we are thinking …the HOLY SPIRIT helps us …bringing to mind what the Bible says …and supporting those who are willing to do this …

    Another way to be delivered from deceit is …

    Jam 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

    Many people will try to carry out the ‘resist the devil’ part without the ‘submit to GOD ‘ part and they may be successful in their own opinion …’for a while’ …but we see JESUS CHRIST using the sword of the spirit which is the WORD of GOD to do ‘battle’ with the Devil …”IT is WRITTEN” ….and HE applied the word to everything he thought…as HE ALWAYS did the WILL of HIS FATHER” …for us the WORD of GOD IS the WILL of GOD concerning all things HE has revealed to us through the knowledge of the Word in Jesus Christ who IS the WORD of GOD.

    So …those who are decieved into sin such as adultery may believe what they think is ‘right’ because they are not submitted to the Truth and do not know it …they think the thoughts that convince them that their sin is ‘not so bad’ once people are led to compromise and to defile their consciences to ‘accept ‘ what ‘is’ …but the reality of what they believe is ‘ok’ or ‘unchangable’ is a LIE …and it is SIN .

    To lead others to accept sin …as NORMAL is DANGEROUS business.

    One of the things we see men who take upon themselves the responsibility of a teacher in the Word is the increased responsibility and accountability for WHAT they lead others to believe…Children being twisted to accept this sin will be a heavy weight to account for in those who are not willing to turn from their sin.

    Romans chapter one gives a pretty graphic view of what awaits those who resist the call to repent and to cease from sin.

    Jesus Christ offers all salvation from wrath which all sin is justly going to require …but one must RECEIVE the WORD of GOD with MEEKNESS and believe it …without hearing AND heeding it …there is no
    defense against the work of the world , the flesh and the devil ….

    Jam 4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

    Mat 18:6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

    This is often thought to only refer to children ….but it is ANY who ‘believe in ” Jesus Christ….

    Teaching or leading people to accept what is sin as “normal” or “acceptable” is SIN and one must consider one’s influence upon others….accountability is CERTAIN. Repentance is due …in addition to confession of sin …admission of sin is not the same thing as CONFESSION of sin ….and repentance includes following the Savior ..

    Jam 3:1 My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation.

    In the scriptures is appears MEN …have a very real and great influence upon others…especially women and children …their conduct is especially important in how it impresses upon those who are unlearned and uninstructed in truth ….they do bear a great responsibility

    Eph 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

    Col 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

    This is close to everyone’s heart because we are born and grow up not knowing what we don’t know about GOD …and only Jesus Christ REVEALS to those who are willing to seek Him to find out ..FROM HIM.

    Luk 10:22 All things are delivered to me of my Father: and no man knoweth who the Son is, but the Father; and who the Father is, but the Son, and he to whom the Son will reveal him.

    It seems we are in a world today where many who are fathers have not come to realize the depth of impact their decisions and actions effect not only their wives but the children they ‘presume’ that they love!

    We learn about what real loving involves by observing and following Jesus Christ and obeying not parts of His Word but submitting ourselves to learn and do all that He has said.

    Luk 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?

    This life is short…we have no time to waste in learning how to live a life we need not be ignorant of how to really love and to live a life that is a better and better influence on whomever we met and live with!

    Jhn 8:31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;

    1. Zaza,

      Wow! There is not much more that I can say in response than Amen! When caught in an affair, the cheater has to get honest with themselves and their own values in order to escape. part of getting honest with their own values requires that they get right with God. Few are willing or able to hear such truths, much less act on them. That does not diminish the validity of that truth.

      A simple way of viewing it is in terms of cause and effect. They devote mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological energy into making the affair happen. When it does happen, they unleash powers that they never bargained for. That sweet or handsome lover they were enamored with now wants to control them, use them, abuse them, and then do it all over again. When cheaters do manage to escape, they are fortunate to get out alive and sane. That sounds harsh, but that is the reality of the matter.

      Thank you for sharing your heartfelt passions.

      Best Regards,

      Jeff Murrah

  2. Thank you Jeff for allowing me to share …I have spent the last 7 years trying to learn how this happens,…what to do that is in line with God’s Word…and it is not easy since it is often not known what to advise even among various believers….Pretty much on one’s own relationship with the Lord to seek out truth . I find that to err in doing less rather than more in going forward important.

    So often emotions make us want to end it …or some other extreme in a society that devalues loyalty to many of the things that remain the solid infra structure to society.

    Throwing more money at it ..[or printing more money] is not the answer….as you pointed out …only turning to GOD and taking HEED to what He directs us to do ..each one will bring about enduring changes and strength to make them.

    My husband has chosen to retreat to a separate living place..”house sitting ” for an undetermined length of time with an unknown intention and goal.

    It reminds me of the scriptures which point to those who are double minded or blinded …not having a clue what they do or why but they just know they don’t want what they have …which is the mess THEY have made of things.

    Run , run, run away is a habit I have noticed now that I have a retrospective examination . Thinking deeply has not been part of his life focus and yet he is a graduate of a very prestigious university that is very selective even of the cream of the crop . Just goes to show academic success in the world’s education system is not all ‘that’ .

    He is good at what he is good at but not as skilled at dealing with things he has decided he is not interested in learning to do.

    This was demonstrated a number of years ago when his son did not continue to play the sport my husband loved. He said that he did not think he and his son would have much in common as the years went by . { I did not realize at That time he also had a new baby son]. I said that if he loved our son he would simply involve himself in some of our son’s interests….but he apparently did not care to be with people based so much on the PERSON but the activity that was to be involved in.

    I found this coming up often …it did not matter who he went with ..as long as it was not ME ….seriously ..he could enjoy anyone but his wife! There was no particular reason he could come up with …it just developed as he went about procuring the favor of people at work …and women he might ‘enjoy’ …

    I have always wondered what he meant by saying he did not want the OW and was never interested in marriage with her …because ‘she was not the whole package’ !

    What does that mean ? what part of the ‘package ” then did I have >>>>?

    Deceit has no real answers…it is just a way to deter actually taking a hard look at one’s self

    OR maybe GOD just did not take into consideration that one woman was just not’ enough’ for some men….those ‘special’ ones …that ‘need’ more women ….

    I see it as a demonstration of a man himself not really being ‘enough’ …too lazy to invest in anyone for long….

    Still my husband is continuing to pay the bills …visit our daughters…but infrequently and will not engage me except for what is absolutely necessary . I remain respectful and hospitable but it is astonishing to experience such a display …not cold but more like indifferent to me and how his behavior impacts me and our daughters.

    OK …before I ramble on….thanks again.

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