When you are cheated on, you likely experience anger. When in the midst of that anger, you find yourself tempted to ‘punish’ the cheater for what they’ve done.
It’s natural that you would want to punish them. Punishing has a way of balancing out hurts. Although you may be tempted to punish them or penalize them, there are dangers in doing so.
First, when you take on the role of ‘punisher’, you assume a parental-type role. You become the parent punishing the misbehaving child.
This is not good for your marriage. It shifts the power and roles in your marriage relationship. rather than a covenant between two equals, it becomes an unequal relationship.
The punisher assumes a superior role and the punished is in an inferior role. the difference in roles creates problems with communication, problem solving and intimacy. You want to be their spouse, not their Holy Spirit, trying to convict them of wrong doing.
Second, when the cheater is in the position of being punished, they’re in a position of irresponsibility. You want them to take on more responsibility rather than sluff it off.
Punishment carries with it the mindset that once the punishment is over, the whole debt is gone. They have not had to develop responsibility, but instead all they had to do was endure the punishment.
Their conscience will be cleared without having to assume any responsibility.The punishment relieves them of the pressure they are under to show some responsibility.
Third, in punishing the cheater, you short circuit the pain and pressure. You need the stress of pain and pressure in order for the cheater to change.
When you are not under pressure and pain, you often do not change your ways. Yes, punishment is painful, but the type of pain actually short circuits the kind of pain that you need.
You want their conscience to start working again. It takes a slow moving kind of pain to make that happen. Punishment is intense, but the short intense pain does not do the work of the pressure exerted by time and their own conscience.
Fourth, it trains the cheater to fly right by you. On the surface, this may sound good, yet the reality is that they will do right when you are around, yet return to their old ways when you are not. The old term is ‘eye service’.
They tell you and do what you desire, yet their heart has not changed. They learn how to act around you without having to make the kind of deep seated changes which will guide them in turning down temptations when you are not around.
Punishing may initially sound like a workable idea. Before you take off and punish your cheating spouse, consider what it teaches them, and how it will change the relationship. Your ‘quick fix’ may actually be making the marriage worse than it was.
For more insights on the thinking of cheaters, consider the ebook, ‘Why He Cheats“. in it you’ll find out about the role of fantasy in affairs along with what you can do in dealing with it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
Wow! Excellent post, Jeff. I’ve read it three times and it is just excellent. All other words escape me. Thank you for sharing this.
blueskyabove,
Thank you for your kind words. It was like a ray of sunshine spreading warm fuzzies and encouragement.
I appreciate your points here , and I agree that the wounded will find little in terms of effect OR satisfaction with a mind set of revenge. God did say “Vengence is mine , I will repay”
However with more study I have come to see that GOD is not ‘punishing ‘ sinners NOW …but the wrath is awaiting all who do not ENTER IN to the place where His forgiveness awaits.
That is one reason I see “repentance’ is to be sought …turning TO Jesus Christ.
The suffering that some think of as ‘punishment’ from sin is from the consequences that are found within sin itself. Being born dead and IN trespasses and sin mani s prone to sin.
To be turned from sin may be one of the results of consequences that they will eventually suffer from their deliberate life choosing to DO whatever they may think of and have twisted to believe will not bring about any harm.
It does not really matter what you or I THINK about sin if it does not comply with what GOD says about it.
Even if MANY agree that sin is doable ….it will STILL cause harm and havoc.
You state that the hurting spouse ‘should not ‘play’ the Holy Spirit’ ….I wonder then what the Word of GOD was talking about when we have been commanded to confront …with meekness TOWARD GOD which results in obedience’….to go to those who sin against us and WARN them of the consequences of not just the sin but of rejecting the Word of GOD who is JESUS CHRIST and living in rebellion?
If this plays out as it seems it has for many years where churches fail to follow the Word in how to deal with sinners who are continuing to ignore the Word of GOD and make excuses for their behavior based upon ‘God is love’ and “God forgives’ but they refuse to walk according to the WHOLE counsel of scripture then it is no surprise to see the state of the church now accepting all kinds of docrine and practice from many forms of spiritual beliefs to the denial of Jesus Christs distinct role as THE WAY and the ONLY name by which man must be saved.
Confession of Him as LORD also requires BELIEF in the HEART that HE is risen …and it is seen in how one goes about responding to HIM …IF He has told us that HIS WORD is that which IS the JUDGE of all and that we are to “judge not according to APPEARANCE but to judge RIGHTEOUS judgment’ then are we to deduce that we are not to judge as some like to say.
We ARE told to forgive …but there ARE DISTINCT instructions for HOW that looks within the body of believers and how to deal with those who are serial sinners of a deliberate sort.
It is NOT love to know what to do that is right and not to do it.
Even the world has it’s judgments and consequences for breaking man’s laws. To call people to account is NOT LOVE and it is not a measure for what forgiveness looks like.
God’s forgiveness exists but sinful and unrepentant man has to first recognize his sin …and from GOD’S perspective which His word clearly defines …and man in GODLY SORROW will respond to that law with repentance or TURNING FROM his sinful ways and justifying them …TO the only one whose word counts in the long run …and then FOLLOW HIM.
This is seen as the sinner DENIES HIMSELF .
The unrepentant theif …if caught on earth goes before a judge.
The same goes for eternity when he stands before GOD .
The standard for purity and holiness is NOT FOUND in US …no flesh has any cleanliness …this is why we need Jesus Christ .
A person who sins against another will suffer consequences but according to Romans the willful rejector of the Word of GOD will suffer the results of ongoing lack of sorrow unto repentance…that is a smoothing over of their guilt …to go on to experience a REPROBATE MIND …in which case GOD will ‘give them over’ to all kinds of sin wherein they will not feel a thing.
A hardened heart …a stiff neck and ears that yearn to be told ‘smooth things’ …a refusal to see any sin as GOD does and thus not only does those things which are sinful in God’s sight but has PLEASURE in THOSE who do them.
To say when we call someone who has sinned against us to repentance is wrong or is our ‘playing the Holy Spirit’ is in what I have studied to be something leading people who DO function as the first century believers did in dealing with unrepentant sinners ..another means by which some of those who claim to be the church have allowed sin and deceivers into the pulpit.
Without the confrontation with the Truth of the WORD there is no repentance. …In scripture repentance is what GOD had brought FIRST to people ….then salvation.
Without repentance ‘you too will perish’ was one serious exhortation.
I have also come to see that as 2 Tim 3:16 tells us …ALL scripture …which IS HOLY and IS SPIRIT functions to convict of sin ….to awaken us to what is needed….and then to instruct us what to do about it …to speak the word to someone IS the very essence of what LOVE IS .
HOW THEY HEAR it is pretty telling …if they rankle under the word it is indication of a heart not open to hear from GOD …they are in rebellion ..our own heart must also be examined to make sure WE are receptive to the Truth .
Scripture exhorts us that we are to ‘receive the engrafted word which is able to save our Souls’ and that attitude for receiving IS what is defined by GOD as ‘meekness’ ….not abn outward posture as some might think.
The meek person will hear something and though it may be hard to hear they will seek out for themselves …asking GOD if the LORD is INDEED THEIR god to show them as they study.
Jesus made a distinction between those who are HIS brotheren and those who are the ‘children of disobedience’ ….HE said ‘ who is my mother and who are my bretheren …but they that DO the will of my father’
People who know the Lord should welcome doctrine that is founded upon the whole counsel of scripture they are concerned about doing what is in line with the Lord’s will ….which is revealed in the scriptures for all men to see and apply .
We are not saved by our works ..indeed ..but our life as those who love Him should reflect and ongoing concern to avoid sin …because it is what hurts us and those who we say we love.
To say one knows that sin is hurtful but to excuse it by saying we did not know it was wrong is absurd.
It is to say we can love and care for others but we do not choose to avoid harming them ….that people are selective about who it is OK to hurt through willful sin is pretty good indication of denial .
One may live this way and enjoy ‘forgiveness’ but the consequences of sin still do a good job of harming others and self.
Sin is not bad because it is forbidden …it is forbidden because it is BAD .
Obeying GOD in how to deal with those that sin against us is another form of ‘denying self and laying one’s life down’ …when we obey Him and forgive with the speaking of the truth …in love ..does not mean with cozy comforting words that allow the sinner to feel their is no harm in his behavior …HE WILL suffer MORE than what is consequences here in this life when he passes on and stands before the JUDGE who will judge Him according to the WORD .
For this reason it is LOVE and KIND to speak to the person about what THEY need to do …but if they are not sorry …if their heart has not broken …it will be seen in their response as the sword of the spirit which is the WORD of GOD cuts through the darkness in them and exposes to them what the condition of their heart is ….if they are truely broken over their sin they will receive it …and their actions will change accordingly.
God may orchestrate situations to bring them to that point but the WORD still must be preached …in order for them to hear….and it must be applied to their own heart, mind and life for them to LIVE IN the forgiveness offered through Jesus Christ .
The lack of knowledge and understanding abounds today as many who claim HIS name have not studied to show themselves approved UNTO GOD and thus are ill equipped to understand and act upon the New Testament exhortations.
To the unlearned or unbeliever the way GOD has commanded us to live and to deal with sin seems ‘old fashioned’ or even ‘harsh’ but GOD shows us HIS way of dealing with sin as we look upon the Savior who was UPON a CROSS …what HE went through is what sin is dealt from God’s judgment ..,..it is very ‘harsh’ but that is just …and in JESUS CHRIST we are found justified….SIN STILL had to be dealt with …and HE took our punishment…..so IN Christ we are no longer under condemnation.
This is applied to those who are IN Jesus Christ and ‘walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit’ aka …according to the leading of the WORD of GOD that ‘speaks’ to us from where it has been sown …obeying GOD DOES come into the matter…study to learn what HE has told us is crucial ..and that is HIS estimation.
“MY people are destroyed for lack of knowledge’
Yes it would be hard to live with a ‘perfect’ person …but indeed we are called to live WITH and IN Jesus Christ who is the ONLY perfect person …we are called to ‘be perfect as I am perfect’ but we do stumble and we are in need to grow UP into HIM….as we go this involves forgiving ourselves and others as we become aware through the WORD of what to do and how to do it.
Living through many offenses …some severe has not thawarted my walk …I am not perfect an all practical ways but I will not deny the Lord nor what HE directs us to do …that is the ever and ongoing effort to walk IN Jesus Christ according to His spirit which HE said IS HIS WORD>
SO then …speaking the truth in love …in meekness to GOD but boldly to those in my path is what we are called to do …ever mindful that the TRUTH is what sets people free WHEN THEY RECEIVE IT.
To the unbelieving and unrepentant …SPEAKING the WORD IS ‘punishment’ but it is the actual remedy for those who will hear it .
Luk 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy BROTHER trespass against thee, REBUKE him; and iF he repent, forgive him.
Luk 17:4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day TURN AGAIN to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.
Luk 24:47 And that repentance and remission of sins should be PREACHED in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.
2Cr 7:10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
Here again because many churches are SEEKER FRIENDLY they have ignored the preaching of the need for repentance ….they avoid teaching what would convict sin …how can there be any repentance and thus receiving of what GOD has offered as the remedy if people are not made aware of their NEED for it ?
Thus we see a lot of experience seeking and what the Bible calls teachers who address the felt needs and itching ears to the destruction of souls.
I was in a ministry for 16 years and not once hear a preaching on the subject of repentance! The leader said he did not want to preach on sin because he felt “It did not help anyone ‘ …that ministry decended into debauchary …with people doing whatever they ‘felt was right’ ….it finally was broken apart and some of those hundreds of thousands who had no real true relationship with Christ were broken without repair!
Seeking a soft answer where some straight forward teaching of the WHOLE counsel of GOD may not fill the pews and coffers but it will strike a blow against ignorance and sinful handling of the Gospel of Jesus Christ …
I would rather have a brother who has lived through his own conviction of a sin speak to me about what he went through and how the Word defines what is hindering me than to have a hug as I look for an excuse to go my own way.
So I see your thread as a good exhortation to seek wisdom for how to deal …even in the midst of emotions we need to see that it was the emotions that drove the erring spouse to justify their sinful choices…so then we must not allow Satan to cause us to act out of anger and then find ourselves dealing with the consequencs of sin as well …ours having been acting out of anger and exacting revenge,.
God is perfect ..and His way is to restore …and if one is in sin the conscquences are part of what should drive them to seek the remedy which is Jesus Christ but without the knowledge of the Word they will not find rest …for peace with GOD is found only in Jesus Christ .
The world offers “peace’ but it is through compromise …God offers peace through conviction of sin and our turning to Jesus Christ to receive forgiveness,
Otherwise forgiveness IS …but people fail to enjoy it …not having received it and having been reconciled to RELATIONSHIP with He who IS our peace.
Woah …ERROR in my posting and THEN rereading …I found error in my own writing ….
Even the world has it’s judgments and consequences for breaking man’s laws. To call people to account is NOT LOVE and it is not a measure for what forgiveness looks like.
Actually ‘to call people to account IS indeed LOVE ….it is loving to give them GOD”S way of ‘measuring’ which is HIS WORD>…
Don’t know how I skipped the mental track!
How great is that an illustration of our flaws !
So sorry …glad I caught that one!