When there is an affair, you will likely have to deal with the possibility of Parent Alienation Syndrome(PAS). The reason for this is that some spouses don’t play fair when it comes to affairs.
The intense level of hurt puts them in a state of mind that you may consider using anything and everything against you, since in their mind you wrecked the family. The adage ‘hurt people hurt people’ is very true in situations where parent alienation occurs.
The alienation may be directed at you or even your whole extended family.
PAS amounts to your child being programed to reject you or even outright HATE you. When the programming is systemic and consistent, it can be very effective.
This programming to create distance in the parent child relationship is what is now termed “Parent Alienation Syndrome’. There are also cases where the child chooses pulling away from the parent as part of their way of dealing with the affair.
Cheaters forget they rejected their spouse, their marriage AND their children when they chose having an affair. There’s a reason why lovers are often termed ‘homewreckers’.
Although PAS is real, there are some therapists and lawyers who insist that its not. They take the position that since PAS is a ‘made-up’ phenomena, then any programming which one parent is accused of doing did not occur.
With that logic, they exonerate the parent who’s agitating the hate and hurt. It astounds me how the impact of ‘hate’ and how it can spread and influence behavior is in the headlines, yet the nay sayers deny that it can happen in families.
I’m sure that there are many people in Syria, Nigeria, Egypt, Egypt or Sweden that can tell them a few things about how hate spreads and motivates people in doing extreme things.
The same spread of hatred is what happens with PAS when one parent poisons their children’s minds against the other parent.
In order to reduce the risk of PAS, the issues related to the affair need to be dealt with. All those unresolved issues are toxic to family life.
A spurned spouse will find a way of getting your attention.
If you refuse discussing the affair or addressing the issues, you’re creating an environment where you are at high risk for PAS developing. You may also need to resolve the issues with your children as well.
Making assumptions like “they’re too young to understand” or “they’re just kids”, or “it’s a just a matter between consenting adults” leads you in making some presumptive mistakes. Kids know things, even if it is just that mommy or daddy are not as emotionally available as they used to be, they know.
Leaving them hurting and your spouse hurting just because you do not want to feel uncomfortable is asking for trouble. Those hurts have to go somewhere.
The hurt will eventually come out. If not in conversations with you, it’ll be in conversations about you.
Working through the affair issues is your best defense against PAS. The material in the “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you in keeping the channels of communication open. Even when you and your spouse don’t reconcile, the two of you still need open communication.
Order your copy today. The benefit you receive will be worth the time you invest in it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Interesting article. I’m not sure, according to the article, which is the brainwasher and which is the brainwashee.
John,
When PAS is occurring, there is often a mutual ‘re-programming’ or brainwashing going on. As humans we often have a way of programming each other. When programming is intentional as in PAS, it impacts all the parties involved.
Got it! Either parent can influence the children. Makes sense. Thanks for the clarification!