There are times that you may think or ask “How can I teach my husband or wife a lesson?” When I see this question, I cringe. It is one of those things that like fingernails on the chalkboard that put my nerves on edge. Although it is natural to pose the question, it is dangerous to actually do it.
When you start teaching your spouse a lesson, you start changing the dynamics of your marriage relationship. When you assume the attitude and behavior of ‘teaching them a lesson’, you are one-upping them. At this point, things definitely become dysfunctional.
At that point, you become a parent to the cheater. Taking on a this superior parent role only serves to solidify dysfunction.Whatever dysfunction that may have been temporary, is now on its way to becoming permanent or long term.
When you take on the superior or parent role, your relationship is no longer about two equals or even near equals. The team dynamic is gone, in favor of a more corporate structure with a boss and an employee.
Bear in mind that only Oedipus slept with his parent, and that did not turn out well. Sleeping with your parent is twisted and unnatural. Although the two of you were once peers, when the dynamics change, there is a change in attitude as well. They may be sleeping with you, but it you are acting like the parent, they are sleeping with the parent.
When you take on the parent role of being disciplinarian, you are no longer acting like a spouse. You are no longer in the role of spouse. When you are not in the spouse role, you can not expect your spouse to love you like a spouse.
You were done wrong, there is no doubting that. When you seek ‘teaching them a lesson’, you are seeking revenge. Revenge may feel good for a moment, yet the damage it does is long term. It is also a quick fix that gives you an emotional release and catharsis, yet at the price tag of the marital relationship.
An affair damages trust. Revenge destroys whatever trust is left.
When you ‘teach your spouse a lesson’, you also subvert the role of God in their lives.You at some level are essentially ‘playing God’ in their life. Some of you may have taken it as far as to function as their conscience, in which case, you are playing ‘Holy Spirit’ to them.
Many people struggle in their relationship with God. When their spouse takes on that role, the struggle intensifies.
The cheater does not need a conscience or God awareness when you are acting in that role. As long as you stay in that role, the cheater will remain immature. They do not need to grow up, since you are keeping them in that role. If you let them stay in their pain and face the natural consequences, they will begin maturing as a matter of survival.
Finally, when you ‘teach them a lesson’, you are treating your marriage like playtoy. You may have claimed that the cheater showed disregard for your marriage. At the point that you “teach” them a lesson, you loose your moral authority. You become no more respectful of the marriage than they were. You and the cheater have both drug your marriage through the mud.
Teaching your spouse a lesson will start dominoes falling that will forever change your relationship. You need to be aware of that danger. It reminds me of the proverb that talks about how a foolish woman tears down her own home one brick at a time. Teaching your spouse a lesson is a way to start taking apart your marriage one brick at a time.
Best Regards,
Jeff
