A reader recently posted the question “Do narcissists seek out other narcissists for affairs?” If your spouse is a narcissist, this is likely something that you have wondered about.
I have not tracked the actual numbers on this one. The answer would be “yes”. Some narcissists do seek out other narcissists.
The very nature of narcissism is seeking out someone like yourself. Since they’re self-focused, they want someone who reminds them of themselves.
The similarity may be in attitude, activities or values. When it gets weird for me is when the narcissist seeks out someone who looks like themselves.
The challenge comes when they’re competing with the other narcissist for attention. Some narcissists overcome this challenge by joining with their mirror and jointly find ways of finding validation.
In some ways, any lover the narcissist chooses is more about themselves than it is about the lover. They want someone who will ‘complete’ them, ‘make them whole’, or something along those lines.
It often scares me when people make references to being ‘made whole’ in relationships. Such phrases send of the narcissistic alarms inside me.
Rather than loving someone due to wanting to be with them, or enjoying their company, enjoying sharing thing with them, it is instead about the ‘narcissist getting made complete’.
It may help you to consider that a the narcissist lives more in their head rather than in reality. They are more focused on the version of the relationship that lives in their head than the ‘actual’ relationship.
Since the important parts are happening in their head, they often read more into the relationship than is actually there anyway.
I encourage you to purchase the ebook “Why He Cheats“. In this book, you’ll learn about fantasies and the role they play in the affair. The surprise is that both spouses have fantasies that impact the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
