There are times in the aftermath of a life changing event you may wonder “What happened to my spouse? They radically went from a loyal spouse to a cheater.
How is this possible?” When life changing events such as traumatic events, exposure to combat, chemical trauma or brain trauma, happen, you may see sudden changes in your spouse. (I use the term ‘radical’ since this means ‘to the root’).
In the case of traumas, there’s a change in the brain itself. The whole functioning has been altered. Some traumas impact sexual self-control.
This is very different from ‘rat-ical’ changes, which is where a spouse uses an event as an excuse to act out. Sorting out whether you’re dealing with a radical change or a rat-ical change can be determined by whether or not they experience remorse for their adultery,
how much planning goes into the cheating, and their ability to control other impulsive behaviors. Cheater afflicted with genuine radical changes show little to no remorse for what they have done, exhibit poor planning and poor impulse control.
(The cheating will have to be considered in the context of the big picture rather than looked at as an isolated behavior.)
In the cases of severe genuine trauma, your spouses’ brain and emotions were mixed up. Intense experiences, brain damage and some toxic chemicals change the wiring in their brain.
Intense experiences create new neural pathways that never existed before. Those length of these changes can range from temporary to long term. Overcoming the power of those ‘new’ pathways presents challenges.
Although traumas or chemicals may have created the changes, they are not so easily ‘undone’. There is no magic pill that the cheater can take to make them ‘cheat no more’.
In dealing with such traumas, you and your spouse will have to decide which symptoms need the most attention, and talk about cheating with a bold new honesty. These are tough situations to have to deal with, which require you and your spouse to have to work together in overcoming the cheating.
In these situations, the cheating behavior is a common enemy that needs the help of both of you in overcoming the urges and behaviors.
New neural pathways can be developed, yet require a concerted effort by you and your spouse working together. Ignoring the situation or turning a blind eye toward it will not improve the situation.
It requires undivided cooperation and effort in developing a care plan to overcome this problem. You also need some serious help in getting the traumatized emotions unstuck. They don’t unstick themselves.
Finding yourself facing a radical change like this is difficult. Maintaining your marriage under such circumstances will test your mettle. You’ll find out the strength of your marriage vows.
At times you wonder if this is ‘normal’. Although traumas happen, their results are anything but normal. You’re dealing with some unnatural dynamics in your marriage.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma“, you’ll learn ways of self-soothing. These techniques guides you in getting the stuck emotions unstuck to where you or your spouse can calm down.
Although you can’t change the trauma, you can change how the two of you deal with it. You can find ways of restoring functioning to your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
